Merry Christmas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Merry Christmas
17
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 8:46pm
Hello, I know I haven't been around much in the past few months and I am sorry. I have been lurking though. I am not doing so well and didn't want to bring everyone down. The divorce was final in August and I don't seem to be moving on. I still love him and wish he would come home. I don't sleep and my eating is out of control. It's been four months and no matter what he's done now, I still miss him. My heart is so empty. He took part of it with him when he left. My boys are doing OK. 12yo is angry. 10yo is weepy. I feel like I have no one to talk to except my therapist. I hate to bother you all, everyone seems to be moving forward, but me. I am so lonely and I know I am not ready to date. Not that anyone has asked. Am I the only one who feels like their divorce is a bad dream and someday I will wake up? I don't understand what happened. I need answers that no one, but my ex can give me and all he says is that he doesn't love me anymore. When did it happen? We were still making love. He bought me gifts for Valentine's. We were looking at larger homes to purchase. He even asked me what I wanted for our anniversary this year in June. He filed on March 4. How do you all do it? How do you live day to day? I spend most days crying at some point. At the very least I cry every night in the shower. What am I doint wrong that this isn't getting eaiser? I am a fool, but all I want for Christmas is my husband back.
Sorry to do this to you all.
May everyone have a wonderful Christmas and God Bless!
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 11:22am

hugs brenda...


you know, every one has their own pace. but i think that it takes a year (or more, or less) to get past a divorce. its a big issue - there are alot of emotional, and social, and financial aspects to a divorce. there are kids to deal with. etc. its not something that you can just "move past". and you have kids together - you are going to be tied to him, forever.


what does your therapist say about this, about your feeling so bad, and feeling still connected to him? have you discussed this with him/her? maybe they have ome technique for moving on. if you are not ready to date - you are not ready to date. but how about just going out with friends? or maybe trying some kind of group thing - like a hobby, or a volunteer group - someplace that you will meet new people, try something new. after i got divorced i went to an online single parent group (that was a total disaster) and i went to an online foodie group (that was great and i am still in touch with the people). i also went back to school last year after i had dropped out 20 year ago. there must be something out there that you can do that will not be intimidating - not a 'date' type thing just something fun and different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 10:14pm
Hey Rebecca, Thanks for the hugs! I take Lexapro and Buspar for antidepressants and Trazodone for a sleeping pill. My doc upped the sleeping pill dose this week so maybe the sleeping will get better. I would be in a real mess without all my pills. Thank God for them. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 10:34pm
I have discussed my attachment to my ex with my therapist non stop. She gives me suggestions, but it all comes down to time. I am so attached to my ex because I truely feel he is the love of my life. God gave him to me and I got greedy and lost him. I am not the easiest of people to live with. When I married him I gave him my all. That piece of me is attached to him permanently. I have been in love with him for 20 years, that's more than half my life. He came into my life at a point when I really needed him. I don't understand why God gave him to me, then took him away. I am still unable to give up hope that someday he will return. It's almost like he is sick in someway. He recent behavior is so unlike the loving man I married. I have devoted myself to him completely. Did everything he ever asked. I don't truely know what I did wrong except I took him for granted and lost him. I wish I had someone to go out and do things with, but truth be told I have only one girl friend and she is busy with her family. My whole life has been revolving around my family. My children are great, but I miss having someone around who is an adult and to tell the truth I miss the intimacy. I wish I knew what I wanted. He always told me what and how to do everything and it is a daily struggle just to make everyday life decisions. I live in a very small town without much to do in it so I am sort of trapped in my loneliness. I have never been one to go to bars and my church has no single men. I have found myself helping an elderly neighbor just to get some human contact that isn't at work. Thanks for all your suggestions. I know it will just take time. I have a lot to learn about living. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: mebrenda
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 11:19am

Brenda,

I'm in a similar situation in some ways. I still feel very emotionally attached to my stbx, though he has hurt me terribly (in the past and more recently). I have 3 kids and don't spend a lot of time hanging out with adults. ..except via the internet (on-line girlfriends). You're welcome to email me through my profile if you'd like.

Virgo

PS: I'm in KS too. . .a grad student at KSU

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: mebrenda
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 5:32pm
Thanks to everyone that responded to my post. Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I got to spend the whole day at my ex's home with my boys!
Thanks again for the support! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: mebrenda
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 11:18am

Brenda,

You're not alone. I have no regrets being away from my STBX. He is a mean person and I am so much better off without him, however, it was still a difficult Christmas to get through. Our 21st wedding anniversary was Dec. 22 and that was hard as well. Even if you don't love your spouse anymore, it is still difficult. I'll be happy when the holidays are over. This is a tough time of year for many people, so we are not alone. Let's hope for a much better 2006! Hang in there, Belinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
In reply to: mebrenda
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 12:46pm

I'm glad you posted...I didn't have a chance to read it until today but as you can see I have posted a couple of times..

You could be me...our stories are almost exactly the same...3 kids..came out of the blue..
We have been separated for 11 mos...and in some ways I have moved on..I definitely don't want back the man he is now..but I too think "something" happened to him..he isn't the man I married...he still insists he did love me at one time..but I doubt it everyday..

I am still very "attached" to him...I think about him everyday..Christmas day wasnt so bad but I am off work for a week with the kids home & the first day I'm going crazy!

People ask me why I'm not dating yet...I don't see any men as attractive either..I too still think my ex is the handsomest (?) man I have met..I have no interest in meeting anyone else..my kids also have been godsend..

Your doubts are normal but don't make this about you..It is about HIM...my ex decided he didnt want the responsibility of a family...yes I "neglected" him, took him for granted..but he did the same..If he wanted to we could have worked things out...he took the easy way out & you were the one who stayed ..your kids will thank you for it..

You will have your bad days but I just think about what he is missing with our kids...he will regret that one day...

Annette

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