Mind Games

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Mind Games
28
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:09am

I've posted before that my STBX is an alcoholic. He quit his latest job on january 12 and has not worked since. he has no money, no food, nothing.

Our DD (age 10) misses her father terribly. So last night, she decided that she wanted to stay the night at daddys house. I dropped her off, and STBX said to her:

"well DD, i don't know what we are going to have for breakfast tomorrow morning, because daddy doesn't have any food or money to buy it."

so, DD looks to me and says "mommy, can daddy come to our house tomorrow morning for breakfast?"

now what am i going to say, NO, your father is loser and shouldn't have quit his job? so i said ok, sure. 10 am will be fine. we'll have brunch.

now, this is the kicker:

stbx looks at me and says, "i almost passed out this morning." knowing that he is out of bp meds, i asked if it was related to no medication. (there is a free clinic close by that he can get meds AND we have a good friend who is a cardiologist, he would give him meds to get by, but STBX wont ask)

and he says to me, "no, i am only eating one meal a day and i am so hungry." he said this in front of our daughter. now, before anyone judges me, stbx also has a tobacco habit. he went to the convenience store to buy his "Dip" before i dropped dd off. 2 cans of dip is about $9.00. he could have purchased 2 chili dogs for $1.50 if he was that hungry.

what kind of BS mind game is this??

what

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:29am
Whatever the he** kind of "game" it is, it is so messed up to play it infront to the child.! Document it. If you are not keeping a dated journal, begin one immediately. I guess you could give him a few canned goods and a loaf of bread, stating that you hope this helps to hold him over until his first paycheck comes in (tuck in the job postings from the local newspaper or an add for a local temp. agency?). This should take the wind out of whatever bs he is trying to pull maybe and show your daughter that you dont want to see daddy "suffering". Again, document that you had him over for breakfast as a gesture of goodwill and gave him a few groceries to help out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 12:29pm

It is just that -- a mind game.

I am so so sorry you and your children face this.

By your own reporting, your stbx is seriously ill with the alcohol and other addictions (tobacco). He also has depression and physical ailments (BP). He is lost until he saves himself, if he does.

What a tragedy for your children and you. I wonder if a child psychologist would say to keep your kids from Dad until Dad "gets better." Seeing him like this and hearing what he is likely to say out of your presence can't be good for them. But, I don't know; I would definitely talk to a child psychologist asap. And to one of your own to help you deal with this for it is a nightmare.

My heart goes out to you.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 6:05pm

it is so sad that it is done in front of your daughter. But unfortunately, you're not the only one. You are really stuck between a rock and a hard place. Your child is going to see it as you mean if you don't help, whereas it sounds like stbx needs to grow up.

Many exes play these games where kids are involved. I have adult children and still my ex does the same. He makes almost twice as much money as me, has a tiny apartment an no bills and whines how he doesn't have enough money for a house. If he were to sell our or i mean his recreation land, and some of his stocks, he would have enough money to buy a better house than I have and buy it for cash. But he wants it all. So mind games continue.

Be strong and hang in there. You may need to talk to him about it and tell him it is inappropriate. It's hard to keep communicating with them when they still want you to take care of them.

Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 6:11pm

I wouldn't judge you for not being sympathetic. He's a grown man, and if he's hungry he needs to go get some damn food. The one thing I can say about this country is that if you are hungry, there is a food closet or soup kitchen nearby that will give you what you need.

It's shameful that he'd do that in front of your daughter. He is going to make that poor kid feel guilty and worried that he's in trouble. How dare he burden a child with his nonsense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 6:57pm

That is truly one of the most awful things I have read in a LONG time! How could he involve his child in this lunacy? It may not be fancy, but $9.00 can buy a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, and some milk. Even if there was NO option for him to obtain food (no soup kitchen, etc.) he could take you aside and ask you to pick up DD early because he doesn't have food for breakfast right now. He should NOT say these things in front of her.

Believe me, I'm not judging you! If that man can't work or is having trouble finding a job, then he needs to head down to the welfare office so he has some food for his child when she visits. Your STBX reminds me of rlch's ex....he'll say anything in front of the child without a second thought. Good luck to you! What a horrible situation to manage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 7:52pm

this entire situation sickens me. i am wondering how long the emotional blackmail has been going on in my life. i am a very kind person, almost to a fault. i need to buck up and tell him where to get off.

someone posted that i would be seen as mean by my daughter if i didn't do what i did, (have him over for breakfast this am). i tried to explain that to my father today. he's 73 years old and boy did he let me have it. "divorce him or go back to him, make up your mind!" everything with my father is black and white, as it is for me. however, this situation is extremely gray and i did what i thought i needed to do.

I WILL NEVER HAVE HIM INTO MY HOUSE FOR ANYTHING AGAIN.

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:00pm

I think you are 100% correct there, sister! If he tries to pull this garbage again in front of your daughter, and she asks you if he can come for a meal (nothing wrong with her asking...she's a child...HE'S the adult) simply say no, and you will discuss it with her later. You can later explain in simple terms that since you are getting divorced, her dad needs to learn to care for himself now. It might seem mean when you don't help, but it's really helping him to learn to do things on his own. Hopefully, that will make things a little less confusing for your poor DD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:12pm

Thanks justice. in a way, i think my submissiveness to him is a penence of sorts. see, while he was out of work and drunk, sleeping on the couch, i got involved with another man. NOT A GOOD IDEA (hence my screen name). and not something i am proud of or ever thought i would do.

its a mess, but it can only get better.

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:38pm

I don't think I made myself understood clearly. I don't think your daughter would see you as mean (though that is what he wants). Since you already invited him to brunch, I was brainstorming ways to diffuse the situation further ... obviously I'm too nice also.

I'm with you never letting him in your house again...won't let my stbxh in my house either...we exchange the kids at his moms house or he calls me from is cell on the few occasions I even allow him into the driveway (only for snow, he has a 4wd vehicle).

Maybe you could ask his lawyer or a psych. person to talk to him regarding inappropriate comments infront of your daugher? Or you could mail him a letter so, you don't have to actually speak to him. I communicate with my stbxh through email most of the time, which is great because, every word is carefully weighed...and on the record.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:21pm

am-

thanks for the claification. sometimes i read too quickly.

regardless, i cannot believe this is the way my marriage has ended. i think i have been blind to alot of the bs for most of my 20 year marriage.

what.

what

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