Mind Games
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| Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:09am |
I've posted before that my STBX is an alcoholic. He quit his latest job on january 12 and has not worked since. he has no money, no food, nothing.
Our DD (age 10) misses her father terribly. So last night, she decided that she wanted to stay the night at daddys house. I dropped her off, and STBX said to her:
"well DD, i don't know what we are going to have for breakfast tomorrow morning, because daddy doesn't have any food or money to buy it."
so, DD looks to me and says "mommy, can daddy come to our house tomorrow morning for breakfast?"
now what am i going to say, NO, your father is loser and shouldn't have quit his job? so i said ok, sure. 10 am will be fine. we'll have brunch.
now, this is the kicker:
stbx looks at me and says, "i almost passed out this morning." knowing that he is out of bp meds, i asked if it was related to no medication. (there is a free clinic close by that he can get meds AND we have a good friend who is a cardiologist, he would give him meds to get by, but STBX wont ask)
and he says to me, "no, i am only eating one meal a day and i am so hungry." he said this in front of our daughter. now, before anyone judges me, stbx also has a tobacco habit. he went to the convenience store to buy his "Dip" before i dropped dd off. 2 cans of dip is about $9.00. he could have purchased 2 chili dogs for $1.50 if he was that hungry.
what kind of BS mind game is this??

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I know exactly what you mean, when I look back at my marriage it's like my eyes were open but, I just did not see. Put up with things I really shouldn't have in the interest of peace. What is great is that now my vision has been corrected! Ha, ha, ha ...
Seriously, we are here for you. The situation is rough for everyone but, worse for some in certain areas than others. Dealing with alcoholism and mental illness is a real kick in the pants. I'm so sorry. You are on the right road and will get some peace from it, when the dust settles.
One more idea, does your daughter see a counselor at school? It's free and they already are sort of familiar with your child (as opposed to hiring an outside professional who will need to build a relationship with your child, which may also be advisable). I have done both for my older son but, the school guidance counselor has done the most (and provided the most insight into my childs mind). Our family psych. guy is still in the process of building the relationship and the school person has a great handle on things.
What,
I not a social worker by profession, but I know enough about child neglect and abuse to tell you this:
DO NOT - EVER - LET YOUR DAUGHTER STAY OVERNIGHT WITH YOUR STBX AGAIN. Period.
This man is isn't capable of taking care of himself much less a child. I know your daughter misses her father, but it's very poor judgement to allow her to be alone with him overnight and
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
There is something that you haven't addressed yet and untild you do you will continue to be subject to your ex's whims and manipulation and you will continue to put your DD at risk.
He is using her as a pawn and you know that.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Fortunately, my children aren't in the child support loop.... BUT, my EX would rather build a 3,000 square foot BARN than pay his child support.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Granted-it isn't right, but I think you have beat yourself up enough. It was not a reflection on your character but rather a response to a completely insane situation that you did not have the skills to cope with.
Hang in there.
M.
Karen,
Wow, I had no idea how hard it was with your X. He sounds alot like my stbx. Mine also has mounds of "stuff." I will be happy to see it leave. Mine will have the cs and the spousal support deducted automatically from his paycheck. On all other money matters (child care costs, medical costs, extracurricular activities) which he will have to pay out of pocket, I suspect I will have difficulty getting funds from him.
He also sounds like your X in that despite his words, his actions suggest he will have minimal involvement with our children except as the "fun uncle" type.
And if all this wasn't enough to break our mothering hearts ... mine announced he wants 50% of the "profit" from our last house -- a house I bought with *my* money. I am willing to say he should get a %age share based on his contribution to mortgage payments, but not half--not when all the original investment was mine. I feel like in addition to all the grief and pain he is visiting on my children and me and the financial crisis he is creating (I am a sahm), he is also trying to rip me off for thousands of dollars.
I was literally sick to my stomach to the point of losing my cookies last night when he told me his expectations.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack this thread, but I was struck with how you could almost have been describing my stbx.
M
Ahhh.... my lovely EX is self employed.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Wow!
thanks everyone for the replies and the support. M-- you actually mentioned something that my therapist told me a few months ago. that people who are in relationships with alcoholics do tend to stray. i never thought i would be in a situation like that.
and someone else posted not to allow dd to sleep over. i must say, i agree. our tax check saturday and he put it in the atm and went to the store and bought beer, but apparently no breakfast food.
i could go on and on, but i think i will call the therapist and make an appt. i have never tried al-anon, not sure if i want to. has anyone had experience with al-anon? i am under the impression that they help you to "live" with your alcoholic. I need to learn how to put him out of my life and that of my children.
what
What,
Here's the link to Al-Anon. It's an organization dedicated to helping family and friends of alcoholics. Please click on the link and read up on its purpose, chapters, and resources. It's intended to help families understand the impact of alcoholism on the family and how they can cope. It's NOT intended to make you stay with an alcoholic or abusive person.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
wisdom,
thank you for the link. i am getting more concerned with dd as this progresses. obviously, by her behavior and her anxiety tonight, i think i may need to limit the time she spends with stbx. she told me tonight that she is trying to be brave for db and me. this through tears and sobbing. she also said that daddy told her that he will make everything right for her. WTF?? this is his fault, choosing booze over responsibility. someday he will see what his drinking has done to this family.
i hope he figures it out. tonight, i can truly say that i am disgusted by this man, and god help me, hate is a strong word, but tonight, i think i hate him.
i keep questioning myself, was it better to put everything else aside and preserve the family and stay with this man until the children were grown? have i screwed them up for life? i always thought that one parent could handle it, i don't know, and i am rambling. again...............
what
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