missing my child when I don't have her

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
missing my child when I don't have her
4
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 2:39pm

I am newly separated, for 7 months now. We have a 4 year old daughter, sharing time as 2 on 2 off. I cannot help but feel totally depressed and sad when I don't have her. I constantly tell myself my happiness should not depend on my child, but it still really hurts. I try to keep busy, spend time with others etc... It's tough though with limited funds as a single mom and what not, so I find myself home alone. I am in need of some encouraging words and support from other moms out there! Thank you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-1999
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 3:20pm

I live in NY State and my Ex moved to Fla so when my son goes to see him on school breaks only, it's for a whole week

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 8:28pm

Hi Move,

Of course you miss your child when she's with her father. What Mother wouldn't? She's little and still very dependent on both her parents for her care and well-being. How does she do when she's with her Father? Does he report she cries for you or misses you?Do you talk to her on the phone while she's gone? If so, does this make you feel better or worse? Does your STBX take good care of her when she visits? Does she return home clean and happy? If so, rejoice that she is loved so by her father. Sometimes, when a child is happy to see the "other parent" during a separation and after a divorce, you can feel saddened because she is happy to see the person who made you sad. My advice is to make sure you aren't reacting to her feelings in a way that she knows. You don't want her to hide her joy at time with her father because she figures out it makes you sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 12:51pm

Hi Movement -

I can completely relate --- and for me - who is single mom to two boys & one girl - I do tend to feel that my time away from my daughter is harder & even though I don't like to admit it - I miss her more & feel way more guilty about not being there for her. I think boys need their moms - but they need their dad's just as much - so - I can sort of feel better about that ---- I'm hoping that in the future, as she gets older (she's only 6 now) that she will choose to come live w/me full-time - but - I can only hope. And my situation is even tougher than yours b/c my ex & I are at a distance - and until recently I didn't even have employment - so I only am getting mine on the wkends & fortunately I have had them a lot this summer ----

But ---- you are right when you say that your happiness cannot depend on child. As much as the two do intertwine on some level, it's important for us to know & love ourselves first --- and then understand our roles as mother's. Whether you end up having to "share" your child due to divorce or other situations in life or end up seeing them off to college - at some point, you will have to find happiness & support in your life in different arenas. And the truth is - you would have to have a happy life before having kids in order to have one during & after --- so. For me - something that has helped is going back to school & having that on my plate - taking a class - and meeting others that are in a similar boat - OR a lot of my friends don't have children at all. I also fall heavily on things that I enjoy - like reading, writing (obviously ;), swimming this summer - tennis. So ---- you have to either know who you are - or find out more about who you are & what you enjoy in life - other than spending time w/your daughter. That definitely should be at the top of your list - but it can't be the only thing.

Also - you can read my post about books I just posted that may help - and when looking up single woman/women on amazon - I found one called Single Mother - or the courage to be a single mother? Something to that affect - I know there have to be ones that can help guide & support you in this new chapter in your life. I have always relied heavily on books to help see me through difficult times.

I know how hard it is though & often wonder if people should have children at all now w/out taking the huge possibility of not being the ones who truly raise them b/c of the high rate of D & shared custody now. I personally hate the fact that my XH basically can go out into the world & choose whoever he wants to be in my kids lives - even tho I didn't lay down w/them. I would have stayed in my marriage for the 18 yrs b/c there wasn't physical abuse - just to make sure I was the one raising the kids - but it doesn't always work out in which the way we would've liked.

(((Hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 12:56pm

Oh - another thing that has made me feel better - is that my daughter now has an i-pod and she can call me from it :) I didn't really care for her to get on at 6 yrs old - but...her dad has it hooked up to where when she has access to internet - think he has magic jack or something?) then she can call me from it :) I love this b/c she can call me whenever she wants & vice versa w/out us having to go thru her dad!