Mistakes We Make During & After Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Mistakes We Make During & After Divorce
5
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 3:47pm
Hi! I wanted a friendly divorce because of the kiddos. I wanted it fast, with as few confrontations as possible. I concentrated more on healing my heartbreak and trying to get over the betrayal. A year later now looking back, I see several glaring mistakes I made that can't really be corrected now. Did you make some boo-boos, too? Tell me your story!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 5:04pm

Wow - what a great topic! I am a newcomer on this board, and have not yet even BEGUN any divorce or separation process (other than talking about it with my spouse and parents, therapist, and a few trusted friends.) I guess what I'm struggling with now is the fear that I may look back a few years from now and feel I've made a mistake. My husband really wants to stay married and insists he's still in love with me. We have 2 young children together. He's never cheated, and I'm sure he never will. It's just that this marriage has been a loveless one for years now, and our relationship is not functional. I don't like the way we are together. Counseling hasn't helped.

So that's where I stand right now... do you mind if I ask you, Zoomama, what glaring mistakes you see?

Any advice for someone like me?

Thanks...
S

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 5:18pm

From hanging around on the step-mom's board, I can see that many people made the mistake of forgetting that they are not just getting rid of the annoying spouse. They are also losing at least 50 percent of their children's time, losing any ability to say who can be IN their children's lives, and losing ALL of the power a parent usually has for keeping teenagers in check.

Some of us have no choice and the divorce is going to happen. Anyone who does have a choice has got to think it all the way through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:53pm

I agree. I don't think people think through the ramifications of losing a part of their children. I don't have that problem because my stbx of nearly 20 years has recently moved to Florida to be with his girlfriend. Although I grieve for my children not having a quality father, at least I don't have to share time with him. He plans to fly here every 2 weeks and see them. Yeah right.


In most cases you take on a lifetime of split children, split grandchildren, awkward weddings, strained graduations, double birthdays etc. My 4 year old told me last night that he's "tired of missing his dad". Those are the things I wish I could change.


Also, the teenage

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:47am
After everything I went though with my ex a few years later we were talking me and him stayed good friends and we relised all the stupied mistakes we made and how we never thought of them before.Now he want to get back together and it scary i dont want to make the same mistakes...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:54pm
ITA. That was my mistake. I didn't realize how much I would miss the little everyday things like waking him up for school and making him french toast on Sunday mornings. You're so right about when you have the choice you'd better be damn sure you've thought it through totally. Be careful what you wish for.