A month of no contact and counting

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
A month of no contact and counting
7
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 3:03pm

I cant believe it's been a little over a month since the last time ex and I spoke and he left a message pretty much disowning our son mad that he couldnt have his way on last minute vistation that he wanted. I am surprised at how strong Ive been. But Im damn proud. He said some of the most awful things he's ever said and ended it like that. Im sure expecting me to freak out, call him yelling, crying asking how could he but I didnt. Since then I have gotten calls of just someone listening on the phone then hanging up. I tried *69 once and revealed it was his cell #. So now everytime that happens I wonder if it's him. I imagine that he will eventually break the silence I guess. Just scared I guess. Wonder what he's thinking, I know he must miss the baby like crazy it's been almost 2 months since he's seen him and I just cant figure him out. Why bother calling and listening on the phone and not say anything. How can he just cut his son off like this. But ofcourse he blames me for his having to "resort to this".

No telling of when he will grow up and stop being so selfish huh? If he does call asking to see the baby they've been apart for so long I feel it necessary in the beginning for him to come to the house until the baby gets familar with him again. Would this be bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 3:34pm

I think when the time comes that he is ready to see his son again, you can discuss it with him at that time and make the suggestion that they ease back into a routine for the child's sake.

That is weird about the phone calls.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 4:36pm
I think it's partly because he must now realize how wrong what he said was and cant simply call, say he's sorry and I give him another chance as usual. So I know this time I surprised him by being silent. He blames me for everything thats gone wrong or has some crazy notion that I will try to do anything I can to hurt him, even said so in his message. He was being so irrational and confrontational, threatening to come to my job about the baby's copy of the b.c. that after telling him not to do that, he said watch me! I felt I had no choice but to say I still had the "restraining order" to try to scare him off. But it's been expired and he should know that. Ofcourse he used that to say Im still trying to hurt him. Go figure
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 9:17am

He blames you.... but who's behavior was it that was disrespectful and


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 11:39am

I'm proud of you too for how strong you've been. If he does call again, I can understand your desire for the baby to become familiar with him before he takes him for a visit. But I think him coming into your home may not be a good idea. Remember in the past a lot of the drama seemed to happen when you let him into your life. Seeing him again may be emotionally difficult for you no matter how much progress you've made, so I'd keep the relationship as 'at arm's length' as possible and try to keep meetings to non-personal locations. Is there a park near your home where he could play with the baby while you could read a book on a nearby bench?

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 1:43pm

I hear you, and youre right. There are a couple of parks near me that would be good for that purpose. I can see it now though, he will take offense to me asking that the vistation happen with me until the baby gets familar with him again. It's like he thinks Im out to get him or something or trying to keep the baby from him (so not true at all) I just want stability for the baby and for him not to be around two or three different women ya know.

If he calls and finally talks, I will just try my best to be calm, seem non-confrontational and rational. In the last conversation he was so irrational accussing me of all kinds of things and I tried to even compromise with him telling him since I had already had plans he could get him in the evening when I got home with the baby, but he didnt want to hear of it. He just wanted HIS WAY! Then said I could "keep him, he had his girld" when I didnt let him have his way. He's missed sooo much time with the baby and that does bother me, but hey he's losing out in a big way.

Time will tell.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 10:34am

He's just not used to things not going the way he wants them to, but if you stay firm he'll see he can't manipulate you like he used to. I think what he's doing now is all about trying to make you call him and apologize for hurting his ego and beg him to come and see his son. I hope that when reality hits him he'll be mature enough to initiate seeing his son, but you can't make him be mature. All you can do is control your own actions and keep yourself as calm and rational as possible. If he says you're keeping him from his son, and all that other crap, say "No, you're keeping yourself from him. I'm happy for you to visit with him if you give reasonable notice, and I've even tried to accommodate or compromise when you call on short notice. You're his father and you can be a part of his life if you choose to." You could also offer to set up a visitation schedule if that would work better.

If he calls, instead of saying it in a way that might make him feel you want to supervise visitation, maybe say that since it's been a while, the baby might be less stressed if he didn't just come and take him. Say that you've been taking the baby to the park (even if that's a little white lie) and that maybe sometime he'd like to meet you there and play with the baby with you nearby to ease the transition.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 9:30am
Thank you so much for the advice. It sounds like a good idea.