Moral support
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Moral support
| Tue, 05-24-2005 - 9:40am |
I have decided after almost 11 years of marriage and being together for 15 years, it's time to call it quits. My husband is totally unsupportive in anything I do outside of being a wife and mother to our 2 small children. He has nor has he ever had an interest in sex, avoids confrontation at all costs, doesn't defend me to his family, makes me fight my own battles with them. I've tried talking to him, we tried counseling in the past and he refuses to go now. I am beyond miserable. I met a fantastic guy 2 1/2 years ago and we became friends, just friends. He made me see that I deserved more than what my husband is willing to give me. That's when I realized the problems in my marriage and addressed them to my husband. It fell on deaf ears. I ended up falling in love with this other man, but I did NOT have an affair with him. I am also no longer in contact with him. I need to close this chapter of my life before I can move on to the next. The prospect of divorce scares me to no end. My husband makes a good living (I'm a stay at home mom) we built a beautiful house with a beautiful backyard for my kids to play in. I know I'm going to have to sell my house and go without a lot of "stuff" and that's ok, because I need to be happy and money doesn't bring happiness. I have an attorney and filled out all of the paper work and all that is left is for me to put the check in the mail for the retainer. I know this is something that I have to do although it isn't that I really want to do. My mother offers no real support, all she keeps saying is what about the kids? How could you do that to your kids. I keep telling her I'll be a better mom w/o him. She doesn't see it. My parents are divorced. My sister keeps telling me how scared my mom is for me. These are not the things I need to be hearing right now. I know it will be a struggle & I'm scared, terrified, sad & depressed. Thanks for listening and any words of wisdom are welcome!!!! Also, any advice on how to tell him????

Awww, I feel for you - it's so hard.
I initiated the divorce in my marriage as well. The best way to tell him is just to tell him. I was making myself physically ill thinking about the prospect of telling my STBX that I didn't want to be married, but I ended up just blurting it out. It was hard, but not as hard as I was envisioning. And once it did it, I felt a HUGE weight lift off my shoulders. It hasn't been easy by any means, but it wasn't as hard as I imagined.
I'm still dealing with a lot of guilt issues. I also met another man that I fell in love with, but didn't have an affair with. It also pushed me to end my marriage, because I realized all the things that were missing out of my relationship. My STBX still loves me very much and the guilt I feel for leaving him is almost overwhelming at times. I wish he would just move on, because I am trying to, but I know I can't control his feelings and reactions, I can only deal with mine.
But, you can do it. We all deserve to be happy and if you can't be happy with your H then you need to move on and find your own happiness. Lots of women "do it" on their own and there's no reason why you can't either. Good luck!
I feel for you. This is exactly the stage I was in almost 1 year ago. The thought of divorce was terrifying to me. I for the most part have always had the support of my family. I have 3 children with my H. We are still not divorced yet. And I agree with the other post that once you actually say it there is a huge weight lifted off of you. I couldn't believe how much better I feeled.
But I also know it is hard because of the kids. We had just built a big brand new beautiful home. People kept saying I can't believe you are willing to give that up. I didn't mean anything to me because there was no happiness inside it. You are right, money does not bring happiness. I have had to deal with the adjustments on the kids and not being able to give them everything but their father is still able to do that. Which is very difficult. I just try to go over and over again how much I love them. Watching a movie or taking a bike ride with them is worth a lot more than a new barbie doll.
Just remember the initial step is the toughest and after that you have some hurdles but each day it does get better. And the new found happiness you will have will be worth it.
I was married 27 years and fell out of love with my H. I did fall in love with another man, and unfortunately did have a long affair. You are smart to stay away from that!!
But I have married friends, who have been unhappy in their marriages for many, many years and did nothing about it. Now they are nearing retirement, the kids are gone, they have an empty nest and it's a sad situation all around. I have one friend who is constantly traveling out of town and visiting her aging parents in another state just to get away from her H. You don't want that, do you? You can hear the bitterness in her voice every day.
You may feel it's selfish, but it's not. If you are really unhappy it's for the good of everyone concerned, including your H. He deserves someone who will love him completely. And so do you.
Good luck to you as you make your decisions.
maria
I agree with you about taking care of things before you do it. When I did it I had a place for me and the kids to live, opened my own savings & checking accounts and made my family aware of it. I also spoke to an attorney before I told him. I wanted to know what my rights were.
We were also seperated on and off for about 7 months before I did it. He never really would make the seperation work because he didn't want it. It is very hard but I had a lot of great friends and family that have stood by me. I don't miss my big new house at all. I have just bought my first home and it is little and old and I love it. Home is where you hang your heart no matter where it is.
And remember that after you make that final decision you will feel better each day.
I'm not saying there won't be ups and downs, but at least you know that you will do the best you can by your kids and more importantly, for yourself.
Women often sacrifice for their children, but in the long run, your kids grow up and
move on with their lives. You don't want to be stuck with someone you don't even like anymore.
I have days when I feel very lonely. And yet, I know that I made the right decision for me.
Take care,
maria