More lies, so ready to leave....
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| Fri, 06-09-2006 - 5:17pm |
I posted this over on the Domestic Abuse Board, but needed some advice from you guys here as well. I've lurked her and posted a couple of times in the past.
I have been reading some great books in preparing myself for what I'll say when I have that ultimate "I'm done with you" conversation. One in particular is by Susan Forward, a PhD and a therapist who focuses on emotional/mental abuse. One of her well known books is "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" - I just ordered it and waiting for it to come in. I just finished her "When Your Lover Is A Liar" book. I wish I had read it 11 years ago. H is quite a skillful liar. I wish I had realized long ago that it's part of who he is. I'm sure he will never change. I'm so tired of being someone who used to be so trusting and loving and who is now suspicious of everything he says and hasn't been in love with him for years.
I know he has lied to me more times than I can count and even more that I can't confirm. However, just today I've realized that he more than likely lied about having a doctor appointment on a day that I was supposed to meet friends for dinner and therefore couldn't because it meant I had to pick up our kids from school/daycare. He had broken his finger the day before and had gone to see a doctor that day. He told me that he needed to go see another dr. the next day (my night out) for a possible MRI. I believed him, although had my suspicions. So on my way home that night he calls me and says he needs to go back to the other dr. on the following Monday, that the dr. wanted to wait on an MRI and just see how it looked on Monday. Fine. Then he says he needs to discuss some things with his boss, wants to do it in person and tells me he's going to his boss's house. I call 30 min later to see when he expects to get home, get his voicemail and never hear back from him. He gets home after midnight. So, I'm at home fuming because I was the one who was supposed to be out that night but am at home instead. I'm sure you all know by now that he's the one that always goes out while I go out once a month or so and get attitude just about every time.
But, I digress. I've had it with everything of course, but the lying? It's going to be what pushes me over the edge. I have just had it.
What can I expect his reaction to be? He's never really laid a hand on me (except one time he grabbed me by my shirt and yanked me in the door.). He's punched a hole in the wall and kicked things, slammed doors - that kind of stuff. The hole punching was about 4 years ago. I'm not afraid of him convincing me to give him another chance. It's not going to happen. I'm so over this. Done. Done. Done.
I have a name and number for a divorce attorney but haven't called her yet. Should I do that first before I confront him? I'm trying to think this all out and have been thinking about it for awhile. I just want to have my head about me, you know? Any advice?
Thanks for reading. Any advice you have I'm grateful for.
Lisa

Hello, and welcome. You can never really anticipate how someone is going to react to news of a divorce. If your instinct tells you there might be trouble, I would listen to it. Make sure a trusted friend or family member is close by and available. Tell them if they don't hear from you be a certain time, that you're in trouble, and they need to get help.
However, I would encourage you to have a consultation with an attorney before you confront your H with the news. Having all of your bases covered will give you better peace of mind. Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....
hi and hugs... kudos to you for taking the first steps. i agree with christine that you should speak to a lawyer first (remember; knowledge is power), and also that you should have the talk with someone else there. hopefully - nothing will happen, but you are describing a violent person. he DID once grab you and throw you to the floor, he DID punch a hole in the wall, so please be prepared.
One thing i don't understand - you are separated already but he has no idea that you are planning to get divorced?
one other thing - he is what he is. (a liar, a SOB, whatever). you KNOW that you can't count on him to watch the kids - SO DON'T. don't spend your life being angry with him, don't turn yourself into the victim who never gets to go out. find 2-3 babysitters you can trust, or - if you can't afford that - then find 2-3 moms that you can swap baby sitting with. but you need to get out - its the best gift you can give yourself and your kids.
hugs....
sk1960 mentioned, "One thing i don't understand - you are separated already but he has no idea that you are planning to get divorced? "
I would like to hear the answer too. In my case, my husband and I have been separated for 2 years, and he does not support me at all. But I don't think my husband expects me to file for a divorce neither. He calls to complain to me why I don't call him. I always remind him that he is not doing anything as a husband, and I don't feel like talking to him.
I know MY husband does not believe I would file for a divorce because he was able to get away with so much BS for this long, so why would I ever stop taking S#@T from him now???? I did love him and he knew it too. So he thinks "I still love you" would keep me away from collecting child support for 3 kids from him. What can I say, it worked this long, but not forever ;-)