more stress and heartache from STBX.....
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| Mon, 04-11-2005 - 6:23pm |
Hi everyone
I've posted before about issues with my STBX- we've been separated for a few months- but the separation had been long overdue- Its been coming for a long time now. I met someone else and have been dating him for just over 2 months now. Anyway, STBX knows about my new bf and has come to terms with it although it was really hard on him when he first found out. I didn't intend to start dating so quick though, it just happened....
Anyway one of the reasons STBX and I broke apart was his depression issues and fear of committment, plus his alcohol and drug addictions. Yes, it got pretty serious there once he had to be hospitalized a couple times. So I had to finally go my own way. I stood by him and supported him for years and I just can't do it anymore. I was becoming depressed, and was constantly unhappy. Plus he was the one who initially wanted the separation- claiming he didn't want to be married and he'd rather be alone. He hurt me so much emotionally, all the time.
Anyway, now I am FINALLY happy! I didn't think it would ever be like this, but my bf treats me like gold and he is wonderful.
But I still talk to STBX and he's had a rough time. On and off with drugs, working way too much overtime, not eating, not sleeping. I still care about him and I worry about him too. We met on the weekend and took our dogs for a walk (whom I have custody of but he still loves them alot and they love him too). We are getting along probably better than we have in a long time and he confides in me more now then he did when we were together. We just walked and talked and he seemed to be doing better (I thought so anyway). Except for the fact he is really worried right now cause he just found out last week he has testicular cancer (he's 26). So this morning he calls me on my way to work and he didn't even sound like himself. I asked if he was ok and he said no not really, and he asked if he could talk to me for a minute. He told me he didn't want to tell me when he saw me on Saturday cause he didn't want me to get all worried about him, but he just came off of a straight 12 day drug binge (I don't even know if thats the right word)- 12 days of doing cocaine and not sleeping. Then he tells me that yesterday was so bad for him, he spent all evening and all night alone in his apartment crying his eyes out, then he ended up in the bathtub with a radio to electrocute himself plus a razor to slit his wrists. He said he was seriously considering suicide. He spent all night in the tub and didn't sleep at all. He said he's been trying to figure out what went wrong with our relationship and why he blamed all his problems on me when none of it was my fault. He said he constantly anylzes this and is always jotting things down on paper to try to figure out what went wrong.
So now I am really worried. Obviously he came to his senses last night at some point when he decided not to kill himself. But what if he did? Who would have found him? He lives alone, on a normal basis his cell phone would be off anyways so if someone was trying to call him, they wouldn't think it would be odd that he wouldn't answer his phone. He's had so much going on in his life lately, I know how stressed out he is. He needs to stay away from the drugs but he won't listen to anyone.
Sorry to be rambling here, but I needed to talk to someone about this. I can't go and talk to my bf about this cause I am pretty sure he is tired of hearing about my STBX.
Jess

I totally agree with firstamendment. Counseling and treatment are the best things for him right now. My first husband was an addict. I did everything I could to help and finally had to realize that I wasn't qualified to give him the help he needed. Only he can change his life. I learned the hard way that there are 2 things in life you can't ever change and they are other people and the weather. I understand that you still care, but he has to care about himself before he will change. He has to realize that no matter how high or drunk he gets the cancer isn't going to go away. And drugs and alcohol could make treatment for cancer harder.
Hugs to you.
He definitely needs help. You will too in dealing with this.
I agree with the other posters.... find a way to get him to get some help.
He needs to be hospitalized, Jess, for his own safety. He hasn't come to his senses, he's only had a moment of lucidity. His behavior is irrational and unpredictable. He could hurt himself at any time.
Please speak to his parents or other family members and tell them he's in trouble. Try to convince him that he needs in-patient care; he needs to be on medication for depression and he needs to be closely monitored.
May I ask what caused your separation? Was it drug use? Would there be a chance for a reconciliation if things changed? It sounds like the two of you still have something between you and that maybe all is not lost? Just wondering.
Has he been diagnosed with a mental illness by a psychiatrist? He sounds bipolar, possibly with compulsion issues. My X was diagnosed with bipolar and is a hard drug addict. He constnatly analyzes the relationship and his choices. He'll simply isolate himself and think about it for days. Literally. That's the depression phase, I think. When you're that down and out, what else can you do? He was also diagnosed with ADHD as a child and claims his mind races. Who knows. From what I've been told, many children in the 80s were diagnosed with ADD and ADHD before bipolar was clinically recognized in children.
It's a strange, viscious circle bipolar disorder and drug addiction. In some ways it seems as if the depression is the result of physically coming off the drugs and then, too, of facing what one has done to get the drugs or simply using again. But then it also seems as if extreme depression may be one cause of the decision to use drugs again. And again. And again. Or maybe going out and using is the result of a manic phase. There are different types of bipolar disorder, too.
As for the suicide talk and threats. Been there, too. Anyone who threatens suicide or talks seriously about is obviously ill, so I don't think there's much point in deliberating whether or not someone is serious about going through with it. A healthy person doesn't make these threats or obsess about killing him/herself. I think you can be reasonably assured that he is very sick and does need help.
However, there's only so much you can do. There is a med called Abilify that my X has been using successfully, but it requires monitoring by a psychiatrist. He's tried all of the heavy mood meds (Lithium, Depakote etc.)and before Abilify, none seemed to work. In fact, those with bipolar disorder can be thrown for a serious loop if they are only on an antidepressant, as we discovered once. Wasn't pretty.
Good luck to you. Drug addicts will attempt to manipulate and take their loved ones hostage. In the program they recommend detaching with love. It can be really hard and not always possible until you feel all options have been exhausted.