more stress and heartache from STBX.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
more stress and heartache from STBX.....
7
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 6:23pm

Hi everyone

I've posted before about issues with my STBX- we've been separated for a few months- but the separation had been long overdue- Its been coming for a long time now. I met someone else and have been dating him for just over 2 months now. Anyway, STBX knows about my new bf and has come to terms with it although it was really hard on him when he first found out. I didn't intend to start dating so quick though, it just happened....
Anyway one of the reasons STBX and I broke apart was his depression issues and fear of committment, plus his alcohol and drug addictions. Yes, it got pretty serious there once he had to be hospitalized a couple times. So I had to finally go my own way. I stood by him and supported him for years and I just can't do it anymore. I was becoming depressed, and was constantly unhappy. Plus he was the one who initially wanted the separation- claiming he didn't want to be married and he'd rather be alone. He hurt me so much emotionally, all the time.
Anyway, now I am FINALLY happy! I didn't think it would ever be like this, but my bf treats me like gold and he is wonderful.
But I still talk to STBX and he's had a rough time. On and off with drugs, working way too much overtime, not eating, not sleeping. I still care about him and I worry about him too. We met on the weekend and took our dogs for a walk (whom I have custody of but he still loves them alot and they love him too). We are getting along probably better than we have in a long time and he confides in me more now then he did when we were together. We just walked and talked and he seemed to be doing better (I thought so anyway). Except for the fact he is really worried right now cause he just found out last week he has testicular cancer (he's 26). So this morning he calls me on my way to work and he didn't even sound like himself. I asked if he was ok and he said no not really, and he asked if he could talk to me for a minute. He told me he didn't want to tell me when he saw me on Saturday cause he didn't want me to get all worried about him, but he just came off of a straight 12 day drug binge (I don't even know if thats the right word)- 12 days of doing cocaine and not sleeping. Then he tells me that yesterday was so bad for him, he spent all evening and all night alone in his apartment crying his eyes out, then he ended up in the bathtub with a radio to electrocute himself plus a razor to slit his wrists. He said he was seriously considering suicide. He spent all night in the tub and didn't sleep at all. He said he's been trying to figure out what went wrong with our relationship and why he blamed all his problems on me when none of it was my fault. He said he constantly anylzes this and is always jotting things down on paper to try to figure out what went wrong.
So now I am really worried. Obviously he came to his senses last night at some point when he decided not to kill himself. But what if he did? Who would have found him? He lives alone, on a normal basis his cell phone would be off anyways so if someone was trying to call him, they wouldn't think it would be odd that he wouldn't answer his phone. He's had so much going on in his life lately, I know how stressed out he is. He needs to stay away from the drugs but he won't listen to anyone.
Sorry to be rambling here, but I needed to talk to someone about this. I can't go and talk to my bf about this cause I am pretty sure he is tired of hearing about my STBX.

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 6:58pm
He needs to be in a treatment program or at least seeing a qualified addictions counselor, is he willing to do that? If he wants to figure out what went wrong and why he did what he did, a therapist is the best person to help him do that (and to help him deal with the cancer diagnosis). He has to want to help himself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 12:22am

I totally agree with firstamendment. Counseling and treatment are the best things for him right now. My first husband was an addict. I did everything I could to help and finally had to realize that I wasn't qualified to give him the help he needed. Only he can change his life. I learned the hard way that there are 2 things in life you can't ever change and they are other people and the weather. I understand that you still care, but he has to care about himself before he will change. He has to realize that no matter how high or drunk he gets the cancer isn't going to go away. And drugs and alcohol could make treatment for cancer harder.

Hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 7:45am

He definitely needs help. You will too in dealing with this.


I agree with the other posters.... find a way to get him to get some help.


Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 9:55am

He needs to be hospitalized, Jess, for his own safety. He hasn't come to his senses, he's only had a moment of lucidity. His behavior is irrational and unpredictable. He could hurt himself at any time.

Please speak to his parents or other family members and tell them he's in trouble. Try to convince him that he needs in-patient care; he needs to be on medication for depression and he needs to be closely monitored.

May I ask what caused your separation? Was it drug use? Would there be a chance for a reconciliation if things changed? It sounds like the two of you still have something between you and that maybe all is not lost? Just wondering.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 1:24pm
Thank you everyone for your advice. I know he needs help and I think he knows too but he won't get it. I've tried so much in the past to get him to go see someone. So have his parents. They know whats going on but there isn't really anything they can do either. Back in January his dad and I called an ambulance to take him to the hospital in hoping that they would hospitalize him in the pyschiatric ward to monitor him but here they said they cannot keep someone against their will and he didn't want to stay so they sent him home. It was so frustrating!!!! It is so hard to stand by and watch someone going drastically downhill and not being able to do anything about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 2:57pm
Hi, I agree, generally, with the other posters but I have been through this, a number of times during my 20 year marriage. My XH went through the drugs and alcohol abuse a few times and when he was at his worst, he threatened to commit suicide. It was the scariest thing I have been through and that was my worst fear, for him to commit suicide. But, guess what? He never did and I finally came to the conclusion that he knew it scared me. That was a power trip to him. If we would be fighting and suicide or him "not being around anymore" came into the conversation, my attitude would change and I would be afraid. He saw that. Usually, if someone is going to commit suicide, they don't tell people about it. Drug or Alcohol abuse: They do not seek help until they are ready to get help. If they are forced, they will fight it....usually. All you can really do is put it out there that there is help available and that he has people willing to see him through it, i.e: his parents. Good luck to you. I hope you have better luck then I had. I stayed through my marriage because I thought it was the right thing to do and I thought he "needed" me. After 20years, he decides to leave me for a supposed friend of mine. I should of left him a long time ago! I still love him, shame on me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 12:28pm

Has he been diagnosed with a mental illness by a psychiatrist? He sounds bipolar, possibly with compulsion issues. My X was diagnosed with bipolar and is a hard drug addict. He constnatly analyzes the relationship and his choices. He'll simply isolate himself and think about it for days. Literally. That's the depression phase, I think. When you're that down and out, what else can you do? He was also diagnosed with ADHD as a child and claims his mind races. Who knows. From what I've been told, many children in the 80s were diagnosed with ADD and ADHD before bipolar was clinically recognized in children.

It's a strange, viscious circle bipolar disorder and drug addiction. In some ways it seems as if the depression is the result of physically coming off the drugs and then, too, of facing what one has done to get the drugs or simply using again. But then it also seems as if extreme depression may be one cause of the decision to use drugs again. And again. And again. Or maybe going out and using is the result of a manic phase. There are different types of bipolar disorder, too.

As for the suicide talk and threats. Been there, too. Anyone who threatens suicide or talks seriously about is obviously ill, so I don't think there's much point in deliberating whether or not someone is serious about going through with it. A healthy person doesn't make these threats or obsess about killing him/herself. I think you can be reasonably assured that he is very sick and does need help.

However, there's only so much you can do. There is a med called Abilify that my X has been using successfully, but it requires monitoring by a psychiatrist. He's tried all of the heavy mood meds (Lithium, Depakote etc.)and before Abilify, none seemed to work. In fact, those with bipolar disorder can be thrown for a serious loop if they are only on an antidepressant, as we discovered once. Wasn't pretty.

Good luck to you. Drug addicts will attempt to manipulate and take their loved ones hostage. In the program they recommend detaching with love. It can be really hard and not always possible until you feel all options have been exhausted.