More thoughts
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:13am |
A couple thoughts..
It's really discouraging to hear that he could make himself out to be SAHD. DD has been in school full time for almost 2 years now, but for about a year prior to that he was SAHD during the day and delivered pizza at night. This was because he (again) wouldn't get off his &*( and look for a job. Always some excuse. I hate that I have supported our family financially because of his laziness. If it was a positive choice on both our parts for him to be SAHD, that would be a different story.
My affair was maybe 2 weeks long, I slept with the guy once, and NO my dh has not forgiven me for it at all. In fact, he just brought up the story about a teacher in Kentucky (I think) who was caught in bed with a 18 y.o. boy. The husband caught them in bed and shot the kid. My husband said that that guy did the wrong thing - should have shot his wife first. Although he doesn't directly threaten me like that, should I be scared?? My husband doesn't seem to realize that even though I was wrong to have an affair, no question, that his actions over the previous years had a huge affect on my actions. Obviously an affair does not happen in a happy marriage, especially where the woman has an affair. A woman usually has an affair because of wanting love and attention and connection, whereas a guy may just want to sleep with someone. I know this is stereotypical, but that's how it was with me. I didn't go into it for 1 night of sex. I stupidly thought I would have a relationship with the guy. After all these years, my husband seems to think that he can still treat me like crap to pay me back for what I did. Oh, and then there are the times where he does surprise me and take care of me, like when I'm sick. But it's few and far between.
Also, my husband is not happy either. I'm not the only one that is contemplating this. He's made that clear to me also.
Too many things happening at once. DD starting in public schools. Lease expiring (could renew). Stupidly spent almost $3K of MY insurance settlement money last month on an HDTV and media PC. Now look who might get it? Now look who could have more wisely saved that money for a new house?! I also just started as a student pilot and don't want to drop my training because it will be hard to get back into things. I guess my priorities are really screwed up. I hate this.
Going to call some marriage counselors today. I am not too hopeful about it, but I feel like I have to at least try. I don't know how long to give it though.

Any luck with the counselors????
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
It's hard to think about anything other than our marriages when they are falling/have fallen apart. You were very random in your thoughts and I followed you perfectly! LOL
As far as your safety - only YOU can know if you think your h would consider hurting you. There have been times I have thought that he has the mentality of, "If I can't have you nobody can" and been afraid. During my first affair he actually SAID he would "kill us all" before letting me leave him. It was out of anger. It scared me, I was very cautious, but I knew he was just upset and it was the hurt/anguish talking.
I know what you mean about needing to give it one last try with counseling. That's where I was 3 years ago. Fast forward now and he would give his arms and legs to make me come back to him and try to lavish all his attention on me, work on our relationship, see counselors, give me everything $$ could buy, etc. etc. etc., but at this point I'm emotionally gone. I've checked out of the marriage home we built and won't ever be going back. It hurts to say, but it's the truth.
I don't think you deserve to keep paying the price for something you did YEARS ago and I hope you aren't still punishing yourself for it either.
There's an even bigger kicker to my affairs, but I'm saving that for a day when I need to juice things up around here! I say this lightly, but I do have a lot of sadness and remorse about them. For those of you suffering on the other end---having cheating spouses---I know it's not easy to read others post about theirs. It's not something I am proud of, but my situation is a bit different than some.
You need to put your foot down about the SAHD thing! That's one thing causing you bitterness and resentment because it is not a mutual decision, it's his lazy way out. You need to let him know how you truly feel about this (with the therapists help b/c it probably will be a much heated topic).
Did you find a counselor? Have you gone for a session yet? Has he agreed to go with you? Make a list of everything you want to talk about. It's hard sometimes in therapy to get to the juicy (problematic) stuff b/c you have to get thru the 10 years (or however long) of crap first! Best of luck honey! I know that feeling of needing to give it one more good go before throwing in the towel. For me, it was my peace of mind and it also allowed my husband to be with our baby for 3 more years of her life. The younger years are so important.