the most painful ending yet...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
the most painful ending yet...
3
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 5:43pm

I'm writing from a place that is feeling so lost and confused and usure of myself. I separated from my husband in August of 06 and was immediately launching into another relationship. This man was a confidante and friend to me as I was pulling myself away from my marriage. As the story goes, we got into the physical part way too quickly and it was feeding such a broken part of me. I was so so hungry for love and comfort. We had a tumultuous romance that is so mind-blowing and full of love and passion, but completely tattered after a year of my post-divorce emotional trauma unloading on the relationship almost constantly. I've been to such pathetic lows with this man, desperate for physical intimacy in moments where I felt so low and bad about myself inside. I have thrown fits that I don't even recognize myself in. I have screamed and sobbed and been at my worst with this man. He has loved me and honored and respected me through it all. But there was definitely a price to pay. He was torn between witnessing someone who just needs space and time to be raw and hurting, and wanting to believe I could work through my issues inside this relationship with him right by my side.

The relationship was unable to move through this change in my life without me taking the space I need to discover how to heal from my divorce (which will be final in the next couple of weeks). The elephant in the room has always been that I left my marriage to "be on my own" in my life for the first time (i married way too young and never had a life b4 my husband)...and yet the truth was that I was smack in the middle of another intense committed relationship that I was in no way ready for in my life.

So we've split up. Just two days ago. Literally, for the first time since I was 16, I do not have a man in my life. This man is still so full in my heart and I'd love to think that we can weather a break so I can be a healthier woman in that relationship someday, but I also know that time can change a heart. I am all at once afraid to lose the love I feel for this man and afraid to lose my life if I don't claim it for myself right now and begin to be in relationship with me, and not with a man.

I'm just wandering around in a fog, completely disoriented without my daily phone calls and connection to my boyfriend. I miss him and he is doing an amazing job at supporting my space despite the pain it causes him. But it's been two days and I'm already exhausted from the pain. What do I do now? How do I hold that space for him in my heart and still open up competely to my process and to my healing? I'm lonely and sad and distraught over this loss that is compounded by a marriage I still haven't really had closure with. There are so many endings in my life happening simultaneously and it feels as though my heart will break beyond repair from all of the loss. Does this get better soon? Will I begin to recognize my time alone as something satisfying instead of paralyzing?

I just hurt so deeply right now but I'm fiercely determined to get through this and do the things I need to do for my life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sat, 10-20-2007 - 11:51pm

I am so surprised to read words that could have been written by me. I am suffering such grief--for the loss of my marriage, my close friend (who is the OW), the career I've worked so hard to build, my pet (who passed unexpectedly), my home, and now for the man who was there for me when my husband was not. I still love my husband, and though I love this man in a different way, I simply cannot put him through the torture of watching me cry over another man day in and day out.

As I sit home alone on this night, unable to sleep, unable to read, and having absolutely no appetite, I can only assume that you and I are going it alone for the first time in our lives because we need to learn to love ourselves. To fill up all those empty spaces with our own nourishment, and to feel complete in and of ourselves.

I've been working hard to not fall into old patterns. It's often easier said than done, but in the past, I have run into the arms of another, or dashed to the refrigerator, or devised a plan for some great achievement. I am learning now that I cannot keep doing the same things and expecting a different result. It is so hard to be alone, and yet I feel that I must at this point delve into it, wallow in it even, in order to find myself on the other side.

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you. Sometimes, it just helps knowing you're not alone, and that was the case for me when I read your post tonight. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 3:04pm
Feel free to email me through me profiel
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 1:41pm

Good afternoon izzyblue,


You sound so much like my ex-wife whe I started dating her its scary.