To Move On or Not??!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
To Move On or Not??!!
5
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 12:30pm

Hi Everyone -

I've lurked & posted here before -

Try to make a long story short - lol - Husband & I together = 5yrs - 3 kids - 1 mine from previous, 2 others - ours, twins - I left my house, job of 7 yrs to move into his house, get married (been that way for 2yrs) & be family w/him & kids - throughout that time, there has been a lot of stress - w/kids, me being out of work in the beginning & a lot of unhappiness on his part - i think alot of his unhappiness, therefore misery & painting the house w/it) was b/c of things he wanted, whether realistic or not that didn't add up for him - for the most part, i would say we were pretty compatible, however - of course there were differences & things he wanted to see in the marriage that not only didn't come naturally to me (like cooking, yuk, lingerie, yuk, holidays, yuk) that i tried to make adjustments w/ - however nothing seemed to really please or make it successful - so he pushed for separation several times (i did not b/c of the kids & keeping the bigger pic in mind) so finally, he got it - it's been a wk now since i moved out & he has apologized for several things on his behalf & wants to get together next wk, talk & possibly go to counseling - for me (sigh) i'm just not really sure what to make of it (i suggested counseling a long time ago, yet he was unwilling & now i've made this move & had to get the kids readjusted ;( so i've been moving on in certain ways, even thought about dating etc, since it had been so long since i had one of those!! and even tho part of me wants to just say okay & us get back together - i'm just not sure it's really the right thing -

bottomline is that i know there is a great possibility that he's going to be disappointed, angry & miserable again - if i put the marriage as more of a priority (which did i mention i have 3 children, work full-time & also am working towards my own business) and meet more of his needs/requests, then there is still no guarantee that it will work & will i truly be happy?? of course i want to see my kids every day, however - there's alot of risk of having to do this same thing all over again & waste that much more time if it's not going to work!!! and, maybe the single, just dating (not remarrying b/c it is such a huge responsbility) life is better suited for me - especially now at this point in my life?? geeeeez!!!

i'm going to try to play it by ear, not make any decision to quickly (which i am known to do) and just enjoy the possibility of either - but it is a little difficult to do to say the least ;O !!!!

anyhoooo - any feedback, experience etc. is welcomed!!!

Laurel :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 6:22pm

Hi... good to see ya again.


Ya know.... I think that getting married, having TWO babes at once... having another already... being out of work (which would drive me completely insane to not be self supporting, because that's just a part of what makes up my sense and sensibility)... and that you are working now AND that he's agreed to counseling... I don't know.... I think I might give it a shot.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 10:41pm

No wisdom. Sounds pretty chaotic; sounds like he isn't clear with himself. I am almost always in favor of "saving the marriage" on principle and for the children, but as you point out the potential for recurrent disruption for the kids, since you have already left, is a factor to be considered.

GL sorting it all out!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 11:26pm

Thx for your post Karen - and for the affirmation of it being okay to be a little insane when I was out of work - I thought millions of people (especially women w/children) don't work, I can do this - lol - boy was I fooling myself - closest I've ever been to a complete nervous breakdown :O!!!

I've really wavered on this whole counseling bit - and the possibility of a marriage w/him or not - you are right - when you know you are done, you are done - fortunately/unfortunately? i'm not "quite" there yet - huh - however - I did hit a moment of being there, writing him & telling him I didn't think lunch or counseling was such a good idea - there are just sooooo many things bouncing in my head - and seems like the longer I'm away, the less likely we will be together -

when I was in it, I pretty much let things slide & kept the kids in mind - doing what was best for them & myself in a sense (or at least thinking it was better for me - actually w/more of a break from the kids & actually being better off financially, i now know better) - but after him making the decision to separate, me having to adjust the kids, move etc. I really am at an I don't know if I could turn back or not - so much of the marriage he cried miserable, took off his wedding band, went out all the time & spent his time on "myspace" - now looking back on all of it (I think it's reflection time for me) I just don't know if I could forgive myself if I went back & it was the same crap all over again!! I really would lose it -

Anyway - I'll keep the board updated - maybe I'll be an overcoming the odds story - maybe not...

Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 12:46am

Hi Laurel.... I think the beauty of being where you are right now is that he is in a position to HAVE to do the work if he wants to try to save this... all you have to do is be available and be willing to half way engage until you start to trust him again.... or not.


I'm not saying jump 100% back in because he's willing to try, but just be willing to keep one eye perked up a little bit toward him to see if his actions are following his words.


As for the work thing.... my EX, while we were married.... FOREVER wanted me to quit my job (the one that was supporting us) and work with him.... HA! (he's self employed... if you can call it that).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 10:54am

yes i agree - and that's pretty much what I'll do - for now, i've turned down the counseling offer - we'll see how persistent he is about it - if he doesn't insist, then it's probably better we don't waste the time - and you are right - as long as nothing else "gripping" comes along - lol - which to me at the point in life is someone who is willing to have separate lives, but come together when we are free, enjoy some time - travel, whatever...and then when the party ends, he goes home (yet who is not married! lol) - i'm sure there are men out there w/kids of their own etc. that would be okay w/it - and that's the way i see my life for many years - at least until the kids are way older - and then, there will be no more possibility of having any more children & only light step-parenting, if there's any of that - sooooooo...as you can see, i'm a girl w/a plan - the next yrs will be devoted to my growing (as we speak :) business, my kids, myself...as far as a man - he's going to have to be really special & understanding if he's to be in my life -

and as far as staying home w/the kids - i tried & yes, it's enough to drive a sane person crazy - their dad was always heavily involved (had no choice w/me) but it's still nothing like actual time completely away - i as well love them dearly, but i'm just not as equipped as others to handle things full-time (especially w/the younger years!) - if i had the money, it would be put towards a great nanny & housekeeper - i popped them out like magic, have a great maternal instinct, but as far as hours on end, it can be totally overwhelming w/3 - i think if most mothers were honest, they would say the same -

and you are right - i am in an ideal position for him to have to work for it if he really wants it - however we've been in similar situations before & it's a bit risky for me to not put myself right back into the same position again - and have to completely deal w/re-adjusting the kids etc. all over again - by that time someone would simply have to lock me up in a looney bin ;O - but i am trying to play things by ear - one day at a time & really focus on the present, enjoy the possibility of anything at this point & the great life i've been blessed w/ :)

thx again for all the great feedback :)

Laurel