Move/Assault/Divorce - New Here
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| Fri, 11-10-2006 - 5:19pm |
~I posted this on the heartbroken section, but this is more likely the right place ~
My story is long so bear with me. In July I moved to a new city. My husband/partner of 5+ years had moved here a few months prior in order to find work and get started on getting us settled. During our time apart things had been tense but not horrible. We loved each other a great deal and were devoted to each other. 4 days after I arrived we got into an argument. The argument quickly escalated and he proceeded to choke me, punch me, spit on me and verbally abuse me. He drove off leaving me in shock and totally traumatized (there was no history of violence between us before this). I called the police the next morning and he was eventually picked up, arrested and arraigned on 4 counts. He was put into a program for first time domestic violence offenders. The condition of this program mandated that he could have NO contact with me. I fought to get some email contact (I needed his help monetarily, I had only just arrived and I had no job!!).
Once we had contact he proceeded to tell me that he was filing for divorce. He said he believed I was out to "damage" him and that I tried to "ruin his life" when I called the police on him. He also said he could not forgive me for having him thrown in jail. As you can imagine, the combination of being assaulted and then being told all that was devastating. I asked him if he was interested in getting some counseling, even if we were to divorce. We could at least work through what had happened. He wanted nothing to do with it (or me), and with a total of 4 emails told me it was over.
We had issues like any other couple, but only days before he hit me we had sworn our love for each other and that we were going to work through the rough transition that moving had created. Even in his brief email contact he told me he loved me and missed me but that we could not be together. Looking at this logically, I should not want to be with a man who did that to me. However, it's very hard. I remember the person he was before, the man who treated me lovingly and promised me that we would be together forever.
We signed the divorce papers last week. The meeting was surreal, he acted as though he barely knew me, hardly spoke a word to me. He did not even say goodbye. It was heart-wrenching!! To make matters worse I am about to finish up a contract job and will be unemployed soon. My daughter is here with me (he is not her father) and we are trying hard to make the adjustment to our new life. It seems to get better with each passing day but something small will set me off and I will start bawling like a baby. I miss him and still love him, even though he did something horrible to me. I don't want to get back together but I did not even have closure. It feels more like a sudden death than a break-up.
The icing on the cake is that I found out he is seeing someone already. He waited a total of 2 months before seeking out a girlfriend. The really creepy thing is that she herself is just getting out of a long marriage that was abusive! She’s also almost 20 years older than him. It truly turns my stomach.
I found this board and after reading it, I felt so much better. Knowing I am not alone in my sadness and suffering is a tremendous relief. It gives me hope -- I have to believe things will get better. I visualize a happy life without him, a life where I will never worry that the man I trusted utterly will hurt me again. Of course I also like to visualize some pretty negative things about him, but that only feeds on itself and does me no good. Staying positive really helps me!
Thanks for listening,
E

Hey~
You said:
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks for your thoughts. He did say he was sorry, but it was brief and I believe he was saying it only to be "nice" to me. He wanted his cat and some of his clothes. Once he got those things he stopped being nice to me. I still wonder if he remembers hitting me or if he thinks I made it up. I am a truthful person and always have been with him so I don't know why he would think I would suddenly turn into a liar. Anyway, I don't know if I will ever have that answer....
As far as family and friends go, most of them are back East. I have a few people here who have been really amazing and have helped me greatly through all this. I am always working on making new connections. I don't want to move back, as comforting as that might be. I have wanted to live here my whole life and I refuse to let what he did to me be the reason I leave.
Hugs back!
E