Moving forward

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Moving forward
5
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 7:18am

I've seen a lot of posts on how to move forward. Of course this is just MY opinion but I'll share it for what's it worth.

First, you are still going to have days when you cry or when you are sad even when you do think you are "over" it. Grief doesn't seem to go in a straight line for most people. You spend time in acceptance only to visit anger and sadness from time to time. That's normal so just experience and don't judge yourself for it!!

Personally, I don't think time heals. It all depends on what you do during that time. If you spend your time concentrating on him and why this all happened or snooping through his email etc., you are going to stay stuck. Don't get me wrong...we always wonder "why" and we all have to process that a bit. If you are still doing this after a year, however, then counseling is in order. I've found that the best way to move forward is to make plans and create a life for YOU. Is your ex an ass? Maybe. He'll be one though no matter what YOU do and I guarantee it won't bother him one bit if you stay stuck and depressed. So, what are your plans? What type of job are you going to get? Is there a hobby you always wanted to try but didn't have the time because you were attending to a dying marriage? Find some volunteer experiences that will let you meet people. Schools love to have people help with reading. Hospitals take volunteers for rocking NICU babies, passing out food, etc. Nursing homes can always use help. Volunteer to help a girl scout troop. How about helping habitat for humanity? Join a divorce group or start one!

Learn to live in gratitude. Write down 3 things you are grateful for on a daily basis. Divorce is painful but it isn't more painful than watching a loved one get swept away by a tsunami or living in a country that is at war. All in all, I'm pretty lucky. Everyone on this planet suffers and almost all religions believe it is a time that can mold your soul so don't miss that opportunity. For those of you that are Christians, there is a great book called "Holding on to Hope". I really enjoyed it because it put my suffering in perspective and was written by someone that truly understands suffering. Rabbi Kushner writes some great books as well. When the walls of your home are closing in on you, go to a bookstore or library and read some of these books! I know I spent 13 years with my stbx and I am just not giving him anymore of my life. He's wasted enough of it. Success is the best revenge!!

Good luck to all of us in our new (and potentially exciting) lives!!

Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kbach
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 7:31am

kbach...

ABSOLUTELY CORRECT AND HONESTLY WRITTEN....I couldn't express my thoughts any better than you have here.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: kbach
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 7:32am

Kim, you bring up some very good points.


I think you are right....time alone does not heal all wounds. After the initial shock, it is important to make plans and make sure you care for yourself. Neglecting your own needs and emotional health is definitely evry damaging, and many of us probably did that during the final months/years of our marriages.


For me, I was able to move forward by allowing myself to have bad days. I would wake up, feel anxious, stressed, sad....etc. SO I would give myself "permission" to be miserable and just have a bad day. BUT....I would allow myself that one day, and PROMISE myself the next day would be better. And it usually was. Now, I allow myself "bad" hours instead of days....only as needed :)


Also, I think it's important to remember that everyone has their own timeline for grieving and healing. So your neighbor got divorced and two months later she's fine? Maybe she was grieving her marriage for years while she was in it. Try not to worry about how fast or slow you're making progress. I think we will all see down the road how wonderful our lives have become.

What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: kbach
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 8:30am

Yea Kimberly!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: kbach
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 7:04am

I hope no one misunderstands and thinks I am saying not to feel sad or feel the emotions that come with this. You absolutely have to in order to heal. I think the emotions just come back from time to time as well. I've been doing quite well and then the other day I had a difficult time. My stbx took the children to the park and I was going to meet them there (I had already made plans with a friend and her kids) and he was going to leave to attend a poker game. Well I got there and he didn't leave. He stayed (sitting two inches from me) and hung out with our friends etc. It was very difficult on me because I began to imagine when he brings in a replacement for me that they would take over my friends and my neighborhood. I pictured him with a girlfriend and my children playing "family" at my park. Those feelings just came and I had to process them and deal with them.

I suggested seeing a counselor after a year because I just think that if a person is still spending a great deal of time wondering and worrying over the ex, then maybe bringing in help is in order. Sure, the circumstances of the marriage and divorce may warrant extra time grieving but a counselor can help determine if the grieving is healthy or if someone is just stuck. I'd hate to see anyone waste their precious life dwelling on someone that obviously isn't worth it.

I hope that clarifies things a bit!!

Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: kbach
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 7:24am

Kim, your initial post was great! I totally agree that some people are stuck in the grieving process and need a little "push" sometimes :)


You're right about feelings...process and deal with them, don't ignore them. Great advice.