Moving w/kids after divorce
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| Thu, 08-23-2007 - 10:06am |
I have made the decision to move myself and my two children, DD-13, DS-11, 2,000 miles away from their dad, to be closer to our family. Their dad left us last summer for another woman. He currently lives in an apartment nearby, his gf lives in another state. Not sure of their plans, they've been "together" for two years, doing the long-distance thing.
We have lived in our current house, most of our children's lives, so this change is difficult. We moved here 12 years ago for ex's career, which I have always supported as the SAHM. I have a teaching degree, and can basically get a job anywhere. We have never lived near family, but visit frequently due to flier miles that ex accumulates due to the high amount of travel he does for his job. That option is no longer available for me, since we are divorced, I will not have those miles. I have made family connections an important part of my kid's lives, something that has never been a priority to ex.
While we have a good life here, I have the house per the agreement, good network of friends, it's definitely different now that we are divorced. We raised our family here, socialized, and were part of the community in many ways. With what's happened to our family this past year, I have a strong desire to start over, give my children the opportunity to live near grandparents, aunts, uncle, cousins. There is so much to offer in the form of relatives being there for support, attending activities, spending more holidays together, and having the true family base that we really don't have now (not to mention good role models to help me as they grow).
This decision has not been an easy one. I certainly carry bitterness towards their father, it has been a tough road. I recognize that he is their father, and they deserve to have a relationship with him, despite my feelings about his character, and my concern about what the element of the OW will bring into their lives. But I truly feel I am looking out for their best interest. Though he loves his children, keeps to his visitation, (for the most part) of every other weekend, and one night a week, his involvement in thier life has always been minimal. His travel has always been a part of our lives, the kids have always felt his absence. Because of the demanding career that he chose, he misses many of their events, doesn't attend parent/teacher conferences, open houses, etc. His weeknights with them during the school year amount to about 2 hours or so of his time, because he "can't" get off early on those days. And now, time with his gf is also part of his life, since she doesn't live in our state. So, basically, he has an address here in town, and is mostly only around when it is his visitation time.
He hastily signed a document as part of our divorce, that stated the children and I could relocate if I felt it was in their best interest...done deal, I don't have to ask the courts. We agreed that we would stress to the kids that he would always be a big part of their life, with his travels he would visit often (his parents live two hours from where I plan to relocate), and they would fly home a couple times a year to see him. He stated that he might try to find employment near there as well, although in his industry it might be tough. He now regrets it, saying he never thought I would go through with it, and he just "wanted the divorce to be over." Well, I guess he made his choice....fighting to keep his kids here, or anxious to start his new life????
I have spend months preparing my kids for this possibility, and for the most part, they have been fine with the idea. They want to live closer to family, they are tired of traveling, it gets lonley here, especially with dad not around as much (like he was really ever around much before....always traveled, life on the road..). Now I'm at the point where I'm ready to put the house on the market (which could take time), and start our plans. Ex, now realizing the reality of my plans, is trying to manipulate me through the kids, by not supporting me, and making them realize how hard this will be on the three of THEM, not seeing each other as often.
My goal was to move before my daughter started high school, she just started her last year of middle school. She is now having a hard time with this, thanks to her dad. She is very torn. Of course, she is 13, starting to be hormonal, many life changes for her right now, and this is hard for her. She loves her dad because he is her dad, but hates what he has done, doesn't want to meet his gf, and has had many choice words to say about him over the past year (not reinforced by me, I might add). My son is fine with moving. Both kids know what their dad did, and to top it off, they will be meeting his gf for the first time over Labor Day. They are dealing with so much.
Has anyone moved kids after a divorce, when they were similar ages to my two? I know and believe in my heart that kids adjust fine to changes when they have a stable, well-adjusted parent, and I know I am that for them. But it tugs at my heart to see my daughter confused and torn. I'm hoping their are others out there who have done what I'm planning to do, and can offer some advice.
Thanks,
Tis

Yes, I've done it and not only have my kids survived, but they've THRIVED. Their dad moved from Illinois to Connecticut when we were divorcing. Now he lives in Rhode Island with his gf. While living in Illinois, I met a wonderful man who is a Texan and fell head over heels (he is seriously amazing) and decided to move to Texas. It was a huge move for my kids (11 and 8 at the time), but they did so well. We went from being in the suburbs of a major city, to living in the country between a small city and a tiny town. Everything is different here, but our lives are better. I have a nicer house with a lot of land and the cost of living is better. I've met new friends and while I'm not closer to my family, my parents moved closer to my sister in Houston (I'm near Amarillo), they were no longer a reason to stay where I was. I'm so happy I did it and I think if you are positive about it and focus on the good things that will change, they'll adjust and do very well.
Good luck to you!
Melanie