Mrs. Guilty
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Mrs. Guilty
| Tue, 07-25-2006 - 6:56pm |
I think Im in the right forum here...after all of the postings I have read, I realize what really strong women are about. I am looking for a way out of my marraige. I have been having an affair for the last year. Married 18 yrs with 4 cildren. Most of these years have been brutally hard emotionally financially, and otherwise. My husband drank from sun-up to the time he passed out for 9 of these years while I quietly sat by and did my co-dependant thing..we have gone through so much. He is now working at a high paying job, and has been for many years and treats me much better, nearly suffocating me with attention. I do not love this guy any longer, but again, stay because of the children. I'm am so unhappy, and he keeps me in place with either guilt or pretending that everything is fine, and the fact that we are married, so, thats that. I can barely get through my workday, being so unhappy, if anyone has any thoughts or advise, please be brutally honest...Thanks

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what2do13..
Pianoguy's thoughts...for whatever they're worth:
1. While you may no longer have love for your husband...do you expect "miracles" from the man you're having the affair with? It's easy to JUMP from one sinking ship to another!
2. Singlehood is often a better alternative than staying in a marriage...assuming that you're capable of handling a lot more loneliness than you're accustomed to. The constant silence can drive even the sanest person...MAD!
3. When you decide to tell your husband that you want a divorce, prepare yourself for a full slate of reactions...from ANGER to SADNESS! And probably SHOCK...since he probably is under the impression that you're happier now that his attitude has improved?
Pianoguy
Actually, no, I don't expect miracles from him...he has a completely different lifestyle that he is comfortable with...I simply enjoy his company...sooo much...I don't want a diamond ring or expect ot walk off into the sunset..I am comfortable with myself and love my time alone, I am extremely resourceful, and know that intelligent people do not become bored...they find things to do.
And you are right about the reactions, I guess that is what I am most afraid of...maybe I really don't care if he divorces me...unless he wants to marry again.
Also, I would be the one separating my family...so many issues involved, ecspecially w/ my son who has a rare condidition..how will it effect them to move to a new community? What if he is teased? What if they spiral into depression? Gosh...
Thanks for your insights Pianoguy
Divorce doesn't always cure problems and make life rosey. Sure, there are many of us here who feel that life is better overall since the divorce, but divorce itself opens up a whole world of different problems. My older daughter is in therapy and next week, both of them will be. I'm stronger and more emotionally healthy than I was married, but my girls aren't as lucky. Some days I do wish that XH would have worked with me to help the marriage so that MY CHILDREN weren't in this emotional state.
My kids now have a step-mother. I never dreamed that he'd get remarried while the girls were still young, and yet he did. I know people who had affairs and are still in those relationships (both good and bad now), but the kids resent the OW/OM and even the parent because of the affair.
I strongly believe Dr. Phil's advice about divorce.... that you shouldn't walk away from your marriage until you can walk away with no stone unturned and with no regrets and no anger. Get some individual counseling. A divorce and OM is probably not what you're looking for.
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edited for typos
Edited 7/26/2006 2:01 pm ET by callalily65
Edited 7/26/2006 2:02 pm ET by callalily65
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
Thanks for your post...I don't feel so alone! My husband doe'snt know about the affair, no one does except for my closest 2 friends. I will not decide to stay with my husband, and am just waiting to save enough money to leave. My children have no clue either, which is the way I need it to be. I travel for my work so its not too difficult to pull together, except that its sort of random. I can only hope that he meets someone who is good to him and very, very good to my children...I can't imagine that it will hurt if there are no feelings left...every time I think of it, I just feel a huge sense of relief, even though it has'nt actually happened. Also, there are other issues involved, like the fact that I never will own anything legally, as long as I stay with him. This really bothers me, but he does'nt get it, and just blows it off. So many issues, that I no longer even want to try. I don't think that I could give up my A, ever..unless he tells me that it's over, I would indeed be crushed, but have survived much worse. I would just like to be on my own w/ my kids-have access to wonderful things for them-see my A occasionally, (without my kids knowing) have a nice career and read my books-is this so awful?
Is it awful to want something different? No. But what you want is selfish. You think your kids won't ever know? They'll find out; they always do. Your husband will probably also find out.
A good book to read is "Breaking Apart: A Memoir of Divorce" by Wendy Swallow. She naively thought that she'd ask her husband for a divorce and he'd see their boys every other weekend and things would be glorious. She was shocked when her STBX informed her that he wanted 50/50 custody. People surprise you when you least expect it.
I really think that you should get counseling.
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
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