Mrs. Guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Mrs. Guilty
21
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 6:56pm
I think Im in the right forum here...after all of the postings I have read, I realize what really strong women are about. I am looking for a way out of my marraige. I have been having an affair for the last year. Married 18 yrs with 4 cildren. Most of these years have been brutally hard emotionally financially, and otherwise. My husband drank from sun-up to the time he passed out for 9 of these years while I quietly sat by and did my co-dependant thing..we have gone through so much. He is now working at a high paying job, and has been for many years and treats me much better, nearly suffocating me with attention. I do not love this guy any longer, but again, stay because of the children. I'm am so unhappy, and he keeps me in place with either guilt or pretending that everything is fine, and the fact that we are married, so, thats that. I can barely get through my workday, being so unhappy, if anyone has any thoughts or advise, please be brutally honest...Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 9:22am

what2do13..

Pianoguy's thoughts...for whatever they're worth:

1. While you may no longer have love for your husband...do you expect "miracles" from the man you're having the affair with? It's easy to JUMP from one sinking ship to another!

2. Singlehood is often a better alternative than staying in a marriage...assuming that you're capable of handling a lot more loneliness than you're accustomed to. The constant silence can drive even the sanest person...MAD!

3. When you decide to tell your husband that you want a divorce, prepare yourself for a full slate of reactions...from ANGER to SADNESS! And probably SHOCK...since he probably is under the impression that you're happier now that his attitude has improved?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 9:44am

Actually, no, I don't expect miracles from him...he has a completely different lifestyle that he is comfortable with...I simply enjoy his company...sooo much...I don't want a diamond ring or expect ot walk off into the sunset..I am comfortable with myself and love my time alone, I am extremely resourceful, and know that intelligent people do not become bored...they find things to do.

And you are right about the reactions, I guess that is what I am most afraid of...maybe I really don't care if he divorces me...unless he wants to marry again.

Also, I would be the one separating my family...so many issues involved, ecspecially w/ my son who has a rare condidition..how will it effect them to move to a new community? What if he is teased? What if they spiral into depression? Gosh...

Thanks for your insights Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 10:22am
The probably isn't what you want to hear but...the affair should stop. You should go to counseling and work out your feelings. I am not saying you should stay with your husband but sound decisions cannot be made when you start one life without closure on the other one. You and your husband need counseling because even if you can't work things out, you need to coparent together well (especially if you have a child with special needs). I speak from experience with this. It will only benefit you both if you can communicate effectively and if he can have a place to deal with his grief.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 10:59am
You are right, but I will definitely not stop the affair...I have never been so happy and your advise is sound...my husband will never attend counceling...he is a "black and white thinker" and is so emotionally shut down...it would never work. I feel safe that we could co-parent well...my sons condition is not incapacitating, but may become difficult for him socially if we move away..thanks for your insights and concrete advice-
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 1:39pm

Divorce doesn't always cure problems and make life rosey. Sure, there are many of us here who feel that life is better overall since the divorce, but divorce itself opens up a whole world of different problems. My older daughter is in therapy and next week, both of them will be. I'm stronger and more emotionally healthy than I was married, but my girls aren't as lucky. Some days I do wish that XH would have worked with me to help the marriage so that MY CHILDREN weren't in this emotional state.

My kids now have a step-mother. I never dreamed that he'd get remarried while the girls were still young, and yet he did. I know people who had affairs and are still in those relationships (both good and bad now), but the kids resent the OW/OM and even the parent because of the affair.

I strongly believe Dr. Phil's advice about divorce.... that you shouldn't walk away from your marriage until you can walk away with no stone unturned and with no regrets and no anger. Get some individual counseling. A divorce and OM is probably not what you're looking for.

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edited for typos

Edited 7/26/2006 2:01 pm ET by callalily65




Edited 7/26/2006 2:02 pm ET by callalily65

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:08pm
A divorce is exactly what I am looking for...I can barely stand the thought of spending the rest of my life with my husband, let alone the next few days...I have never really loved him and have nothing in common with him nor is there any sexual attraction to him. Has'nt anyone ever gotten married bacause they were pregnant? This is exactly what I did. And then thought naievly that this was my lot in life. Nor do I want to live under the gun of an alcoholic, drinking and never growing emotionally. It really is unbearable. And I stay for my kids...for a while
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:24pm
Your situation sounds almost just like mine so I really need to ask you a couple questions.Would you end your affair with the other man if you decided to stay with your husband and does he know about the affair?I wasnt able to quit seeing the other man and when stbx found out it got really ugly.I dont believe in staying together for the kids because they can tell that you are unhappy.You said something about you wouldnt care if he asked for a divorce unless he remarried well believe me he will.He will meet someone and even if they dont get married it hurts like he// even if you dont love him anymore.I think it just does because you were together for so long.I dont love my husband anymore but he is living with his gf and even thinking about it makes me sick.I agree with the other poster that said that your kids will resent the other person because even though I was the one that had the affair stbx is living with gf and my dd hates her and blames her for everything but that could be because stbx doesnt have anything to do with her and she blames that on the gf.You also said something about how you love your time alone and that intelligent resourceful people dont get bored they find something to do.I am all of those things and I dont get bored but I do get lonely sometimes and so will you its just a feeling you get even if you are in the middle of doing something or even if you are with people.I even feel it sometimes when im with the other man.I do believe though that some people just dont belong together and if you are that unhappy you should divorce.If you are worried about your kids have them see a counselor right away.I waited to long to do that with my dd because she said she didnt want to talk to anybody about it but when I finally made the appt and she went she turned into a totally different person.My dd and I are happier than we have been in a long time.I enjoy spending time with the other man but he does his thing and I do mine and im happy with it that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:54pm
hi help-
Thanks for your post...I don't feel so alone! My husband doe'snt know about the affair, no one does except for my closest 2 friends. I will not decide to stay with my husband, and am just waiting to save enough money to leave. My children have no clue either, which is the way I need it to be. I travel for my work so its not too difficult to pull together, except that its sort of random. I can only hope that he meets someone who is good to him and very, very good to my children...I can't imagine that it will hurt if there are no feelings left...every time I think of it, I just feel a huge sense of relief, even though it has'nt actually happened. Also, there are other issues involved, like the fact that I never will own anything legally, as long as I stay with him. This really bothers me, but he does'nt get it, and just blows it off. So many issues, that I no longer even want to try. I don't think that I could give up my A, ever..unless he tells me that it's over, I would indeed be crushed, but have survived much worse. I would just like to be on my own w/ my kids-have access to wonderful things for them-see my A occasionally, (without my kids knowing) have a nice career and read my books-is this so awful?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:19pm
No I dont think it is awful.You know what you want and I wish you the very best it really is wonderful to not be stuck in a marriage where you are unhappy and I think your kids will be fine when they see how much happier you are.Looking back now I think this has made my dd a stronger more independent young woman.Good luck to you and your kids. Keep me posted I love a happy ending.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:32pm

Is it awful to want something different? No. But what you want is selfish. You think your kids won't ever know? They'll find out; they always do. Your husband will probably also find out.

A good book to read is "Breaking Apart: A Memoir of Divorce" by Wendy Swallow. She naively thought that she'd ask her husband for a divorce and he'd see their boys every other weekend and things would be glorious. She was shocked when her STBX informed her that he wanted 50/50 custody. People surprise you when you least expect it.

I really think that you should get counseling.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

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