Mrs. Guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Mrs. Guilty
21
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 6:56pm
I think Im in the right forum here...after all of the postings I have read, I realize what really strong women are about. I am looking for a way out of my marraige. I have been having an affair for the last year. Married 18 yrs with 4 cildren. Most of these years have been brutally hard emotionally financially, and otherwise. My husband drank from sun-up to the time he passed out for 9 of these years while I quietly sat by and did my co-dependant thing..we have gone through so much. He is now working at a high paying job, and has been for many years and treats me much better, nearly suffocating me with attention. I do not love this guy any longer, but again, stay because of the children. I'm am so unhappy, and he keeps me in place with either guilt or pretending that everything is fine, and the fact that we are married, so, thats that. I can barely get through my workday, being so unhappy, if anyone has any thoughts or advise, please be brutally honest...Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:59pm

Hi there.... I'm sorry you are in a situation where you feel like divorce is the next step for you.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 7:42pm
Counceling is always a good idea, since I work in the field...however, I don't mean to say that my children will never find out, only that I will not introduce them to anyone until I am more sure of things. My husband will never find out...to remote an idea...also, when I get a divorce, I believe that he should have 50/50 custody...after all, he is their father and should be helping to raise them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 7:50pm
Yikes...my bad...you are right, this is definitely not the forum for me...my appologies to those who have experienced betrayal...and feel the pain of this...but I'm on the other side of the coin...thanks for all of the feedback and support despite my lack of tact..
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:19pm
You definately should have ended the marriage before starting another relationship. It's hard on you, even if you don't admit it or see it, and it's hard on everyone. Nothing cuts deeper than infidelity. Nothing. I've been on the flip side of that coin and it sucks. I felt betrayed, very betrayed. I never could understand why he wouldn't just divorce me first. If you aren't going to end the affair, then you need to end your marriage. It isn't fair to anyone involved. How can your marriage have a chance at ALL, even IF he went to counseling when your sharing your thoughts, feelings, emotions, time and sex with someone else? Sorry, but, I just don't have alot of sympathy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 9:28am
Wow, tough call. But if you do not love him, then you should not be there. You are having an affair, so you are not "there" anyway. Life is too short to be unhappy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:56am
Ummm...first there a lot more to my situation than I post, also, I have no intention of going to counceling, working out my marraige, or anything else. I have given 100% in a situation that very few could make it through. I realise that I posted in the wrong forum quite some time ago, thinking that this was a support for Divorce/Thinking about becoming divorced, many in this particular forum might benefit from the Betrayed Spouse Support board. My affair just happened, no one is aware of it but myself, I continue to lead the same life as I have for the past 18 years. My husband continues to lead the same life, my children have no idea and are therefore insulated. Betrayal comes in many forms. I feel betrayed that my husband is a consumate alcoholic. I feel betrayed that we have nothing in common. I feel betrayed that he watches TV constantly when he is not working. I feel betrayed that I was on welfare for the first 9 years of our marraige. I feel betrayed that he sold my foodstamps for beer money. I feel betrayed that I had to do anything to make ends meet all by myself for years, just to buy diapers. Now that we are financially well off, doe'snt take away from these resentments. Sorry to go on, but hey, thanks for the post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:18pm

You are 100% accurate that I don't know your entire situation. I also can appreciate the fact that you didn't "plan" an affair. Affairs aren't usually planned. And I do understand your being betrayed in other ways by your husband, trust me. However, it is my opinion, and that is all it is, an opinion, that you would have personally been better off leaving him first. And I definately think that, regardless of how good your husband is doing financially now, with all the junk in your marriage from the past and now, you would just be better off with a fresh slate. But it's only an opinion, and I'm not saying that that is what I think you should do.

Yes, I do believe that infidelity is terrible. I have never felt that a miserable marriage is an excuse to make it ok. But I guess well all "survive" in different ways.

I do wish you well. I hope that you can get your life figured out so that you can be happy. We all deserve to be happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 3:34pm
Thanks girly...I also appreciate your point of view and your values. You have made me think twice about other peoples feelings before I vent on a message board. So Thanks! A lesson learned! You are absolutely right that I should leave before starting another relationship, I know all this and did it anyway...selfish, icky, and I still did it. Why? I don't want anyone to be hurt...and I mean nobody. It is difficult.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
In reply to: what2do13
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 4:00pm

Well sweetheart we all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Don't beat yourself up over it(the affair), I certainly didn't mean to make you feel crappy. Can't change the past, just the future. And you have been through alot with your STBX and you so deserve to find happiness honey. Good luck to you. I will say a prayer for you tonight if you don't mind. And I would also like to apologize if at first I sounded judgemental. In no way did I mean to do that. It's just, when people cheat, even the cheater suffers. And quite frankly none of us women need anymore pain or suffering, right? :) You take care! I wish you all the best that life has to offer! I have learned from you as well.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
In reply to: what2do13
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 9:06am

Many of us aren't on the Betrayed Spouses Support board because well, we're not betrayed spouses anymore - due to infidelity not on our part. So I'm sure you can understand why a lot of people on this board aren't saying "Bravo."

Noone deserves betrayal in any form.... Good luck to you and your children....