Musings and Book suggestions???
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| Thu, 07-27-2006 - 10:14am |
I am posting this in a couple of different forums, hoping for lots of responses and suggestions for informative reading and ideas. I would like to get a discussion/info thread going that would include books and articles about managing life either during the legal separation of households, and/or post-divorce.
I am not looking for faith-based info books, or how-to-plan-revenge-forever articles, lol! I am looking for ones which focus, proactively on the actual mechanics of communicating, negotiating and scheduling multiple family members and eventually, bonus-family members, holidays, transportation decisions, transitioning life decisions that are different between the childrens two homes, new traditions which help create a new family solidarity, but do not denigrate what is left of the former family in the childrens eyes.
There will never be an ideal with my ex; and I will continue to be cautious and document important things; but I want to concentrate on any area of our lives which are within my control and how I can best (in the healthiest way) respond/deal with it all to help the children, and to just plain go forward into a positive future.
I want to sort through 'molehills' vs 'mountains', 'pick and choose my fights' and generally get my underlying personna to come back to the surface again. When I have spaces of time, days or even weeks where I am my 'real' self, the children absolutely notice and they respond to and cue off of the way I handle the everyday parts of life, as well as specific issues with their father. I 'feel' positive and able to manage much better when I choose to be in a happy frame of mind also. The ex used to refer to my positive outlook as "little miss sunshine...you just float through the day without a care, happy and giggly with not a minute given to important responsibilities etc.'---yes, I am not kidding. Not going to get into how in the world a 12+ year USMC veteran who has traveled the world - working in a fairly high-pressure, time-constrained career, and who later homeschooled five children for years could be labeled an 'air head Shirley Temple' ... made him feel good to get his control jollies I guess.
I AM a glass-half-full girl. I don't know why, I have never analyzed it...my family and friends thought it a good, positive thing as I was growing up, and in my adult life, I didn't think much of it until he began labeling me, and until the divorce process/saga began. But that is me, and as I get more of me back, I know it is a good thing, lol. Actually, even though there has been so much pain and struggle these past couple years, and my 'sunniness' was a little bit submerged, I think it has helped me more often than not. So, he will continue his crud related to parental visitation, new choices that come up which have to be renegotiated, pick-ups/drop-offs, significant others, parenting choices and moral choices - blah blah blah, I know that.
But I want to deal with the situation then and there, and let it go; make a choice as quickly as practical, be flexible when I can about his viewpoint, document it if that seems necessary and then put it out of the rest of my day. I want to make choosing happiness something the kids can really see, like they used to.
I love reading -- many genres, fiction and high fantasy, but also how-to articles, and life-management type books are interesting, and while you will never agree completely with any one author, its great to get ideas and then customize those to fit your life. I have googled and read a few reviews, but I would love any specific titles moms or dads in our community have found really helpful or applicable to the every day 'living' after the divorce is final.
Waiting with my tiny little 'book budget' in hand....*grins...
Annah

I like your idea of sharing books titles and articles. And I think this board is a good place to share what works and what doesn't in our lives. Seems like there are a lot of books on divorce out there...I've read quite a few - some helped, some didn't. I was able to get a few things out of most of them.
There are always public libraries where you can go look for books. If I read a book I really like, then I look for a cheap copy on Amazon.com.
A few books that I have found helpful:
When I was at the beginning:
Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford
Letting Go by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot
Divorce & New Beginnings by Genevieve Clapp
When I was divorced and trying to figure out how to co-parent with a jerk:
Mom's House Dad's House by Isolina Ricci
Two Happy Homes by Shirley Thomas
When I found out my ex was getting remarried and things that he and I had agreed to started to change because there was a third person now involved:
Ex-Etiquette for Parents by Jann Blackstone Ford and Sharyl Jupe
Wife in Law Trap by Ann Cryster
For kids:
Dinosaurs Divorce by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
My Parents are Divorced Too by Jan Blackstone-Ford
Two Homes by Claire Masurel
Two other books that were interesting reads at this point in my life:
Grown-up Marriage by Judith Viorst
What Happy People Know by Dan Baker
I just started reading In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant and so far I like it too.
What Happy People Know is not about divorce or marriage - but I really liked a lot of the ideas in the book. It really helped me turn my thinking around. I had arrived at a place where it felt like my ex was still trying to control me and my life and it was really depressing me to think I had to deal with him for at least 12 more years! Things in my own life felt so out of my control. This book helped me to see that although I can't go do just anything, I did have positive choices I could still make in many areas of my life and that idea has made a huge difference in my outlook.
Happy reading!
Best wishes,
Abby
GREAT suggestions, especially the Ex-Etiquette one. I found it very helpful.