Must be a better way to not want him?
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| Wed, 04-02-2008 - 9:45pm |
When I left my husband, I had such momentum. This last few days, however, has not went well. I'm a mess. The house is a mess. There's unwashed dishes in the sink! I'm scared that I won't be able to graduate if I keep this up. What if I've already screwed myself over? I've been trying to relive bad memories in my mind so I'll miss him less. Not helping. Just making me more depressed.Can't exactly tell one's professors that one didn't finish the homework because of depression and bad cramps.
I'm remembering... I'm remembering being on my back laughing into his face. Laughing at the irony of it all: him choosing the last drop of beer over me, over my life. I remember him suddenly releasing me when he heard my laughter. I remember taking off with a trunk full of bottles and wondering about in the dark looking for a place with a "For Rent" sign up but it was too dark to see and I was crying which made everything all the more blurry. I remember his mother calling me to tell me how stupid I was to take all of her and his alcohol with me and how angry I was to be called "stupid" even if my entire idea was ludicrous and pointless. And I remember returning to the house after she told me he'd gone out to drink again with one of his buddies. This memory wouldn't return to me until months later because I wanted to be in love with him. I didn't want to remember. And perhaps because God was looking out for me. He/ She wanted me to wait until exactly the moment before a certain someone was concieved to leave. If I keep thinking these things, I won't ever want to go back to him, but if I keep thinking these things, life will be depressing.
What happened to my momentum? What happened? Why I am crying over something that happened months ago when he is now hundreds of miles away and I need to be finishing up papers needed for graduation?
Tomorrow perhaps... Tomorrow I'll return to school and slip my last papers under office doors. Only one more month of school until I receive my bachelors! If I have screwed up, I don't know what I'll do!

Autumnleaf,
Life is not lived like a Sitcom - all done and tied up neatly in 60 minutes or less.
Real life has joy AND pain. There's no way to avoid either one.
It sounds to me like you are depressed. Perhaps not clinically but enough to put you in a funk. I encourage you to do a couple of things. First, get an appointment with a medical doctor and explain what's going on. You may not need something like an anti-depressant, but I would ask for a thyroid test. You might have low thyroid, that's the first thing I'd address. If your sadness has lasted more than a month, then I'd investigate a low dose anti-depressant. Taking these things doesn't mean you have somehow failed to be "strong." It just means you've got more on your plate than you can handle. (Take that from someone who had to admit that herself a couple of years after her own divorce - only I was clinically depressed. I can also tell you I'm grateful to the doctor who insisted I swallow the first pill in her office!)
Second, it's very important to accomplish something every day. Doesn't have to be big, just something. Start by doing your dishes. Finish those papers. Attend your classes. You've got a month to go and you'll have a degree. That means greater possibilities for you whatever you want or dream of doing. Don't trip yourself up now.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Its okay. Take those bad days write them down. Then move on. You are a better person for doing what you need to do for you. Take care. Accept those bad days and then take one step at a time. If the dishes sit there for a few days okay. If you have papers to start working on then do one at a time. But dont look back and say you screwed up. Look at it as a memory and write it down. Then realize and write down all the things you dont need in your life. Take it one step at a time. Your going to be fine.
Agree about the book Rebuilding.........it helped me alot.