My 11 year old lost it last night :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
My 11 year old lost it last night :(
3
Mon, 02-20-2012 - 11:32am

My husband (weird figuring out what to type there) dropped off our boys last night at about 8:30.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 02-20-2012 - 11:59am
I come to this not as someone who has been married and divorced, but as the child of divorce. I do not mean to minimize the pain of the adults who are ending the marriage, nor do I think people should stay together when that is diminishing them. However, my parents had a relatively 'good' divorce - they did not use us as weapons or carriers of information, they did not make us do things we didn't want to do. But the pain of your family as you know it ending is very overwhelming. It is hard to believe it is not someone's fault, and to not be angry. In our case, my father left, but it was my mother I was angry with. My father intervened and told me that it was not her fault and to be good to her. That helped some. Therapy/counseling was not something generally available when I was a child. But I urge you o find a good counselor for your children, to give them a safe place to be sad, angry, disappointed, etc. Because in our case, my mother was in so muchpain and we were so afraid that my dad would abandon us like he had abandoned our family that we had little place to express feelings. As much as you can, do not make your child make choices about who he spends time with, but listen to him and try to accommodate his needs. This cannot be about what you need from your child, it has to be about what he needs from the adults who he trusted to take care of him and who are now, even though this is not their intent, hurting him. In time, things get better. If you and his father end up happier, he will see this. But I will tell you that although I love my father, and have a good relationship with him, I always remember that he chose to be happy at the expense of other people's happiness. My life was harder, emotionally and financially than it would have been had my parents not divorced. I am OK with where I am at this point in my life, and I wouldn't be as strong and independent if I has traveled a different path. But it has been hard, so please get your child the support he needs. Best wishes SJ
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Tue, 02-21-2012 - 12:34pm

Thank you for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 02-21-2012 - 2:04pm

I left my ex when my kids were 9 and 12. it is a very difficult transition for children to go through. As a mother, it kills us to see our chidren in pain, and know that we are causing it. But know that by you staying strong and consistently being there, they will get through this, and eventually they will see that having two happy parents is better. Mine have, all though they do still wish their parents were together. I don;t think that ever goes away.

I highly recommend you ifnd a good therapis for your children to see. The therapist will teach them coping techniques so they can learn to handle the emotions they will go through. A good therapist will also get them to open up about their feelings and help them work through the feelings of anger and guilt that they will go through. They have to learn that it is not their fault and there is absolutely nothing they could have done. They need to understand that this is not about them.

Mine are very protective of their father to this day, it is just something that I have to deal with. I firmly beleive that the kids are comfortable with saying anything to me, while they don;t freel they can do this with their father, and no matter how much it hurts, I don;t ever want them to hold back.

Get a good attorney and let them fight for you!