my daughter wrote a poem called marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
my daughter wrote a poem called marriage
3
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 11:51pm

So, my daughter wrote a poem and read it to me... (a little background) - She is 17 yrs old, and has told me already that I'm like this boy who broke up with her because he didn't love her anymore, and she is like her Dad - She has said that Dad will be ok, because she is ok, and I'll be ok because her XBF is ok.... She has also said some very amazing things that seem to be beyond her years... - she is a great kid and person... and we have been very close - BUT - this poem,

sounded like something my H and the Therapist wouuld have written....

It said something like; Marriage - Marriage is the committment to a friendship with someone, not passion or love, that stuff is chemestry and there is no real love in those things, love is in the committment and friendship...

Well... I do agree that in committment is love but in love there is committment - if you don't have one - you don't have the other... and I do also believe that there is trust - something that the therapist and my H seems to have fogotten in the equation - and apparently my H is teaching my daughter that marriage is a committed friendship - (not that it isn't - but as far as my H and my therapist, that is IT in it's totality...) I dissagree! I don't have love for my H because I don't trust him with my heart... he hurts me too often (not physically) and he doesn't care to listen, learn or change...(we've been married almost 21 yrs)he thinks he does nothing wrong... he is controlling and I am learning how much control he has had over me more and more everyday. somethings I know that he knew things or words would hurt me, and he admitted to some of those controlling and manipulating "moments" - well they were more than moments - it was years of it... I think it became so normal for him that he just did without thought sometimes... and I let him... for too long - because I married 5 months out of high school and it became normal for me too. I know I had my consious reasons and the subconsious reasons that I've been figuring out. but I know - today more than yesterday, and yesterday more than the day before - that I will be happier without him. And I will be loved and love someone and when I trust someone with my heart, I will committ to that love and friendship and relationship....

I know that I can't just blurt out my hurt and anger about the poem and the obvious influence that my H has had on her since we have decided to split up. But my H is playing his manipulating games with my kids and my friends... If I start to defend myself and explain my actions to her.. it will put her in the middle, and the same with our friends.... I have refused and will continue to refuse to let him pull me into this manipulative crap he is trying by using my friends and my daughter (I'm sure the boys have been "talked" to about this stuff too) to hurt me and make me defensive... I am going to be stronger than that for my future with my kids and for their well being... and for myself!!!

When my kids have asked why I wanted to split up, I have explained to them that the relationship between their dad and I is just that, between he and I. They have thier own relationships with him and they are good ones. I said the only thing I'm going to say is that I love you, you have absolutely nothing to do with any issues between dad and I, and that the bottom line is that I am unhappily married. They have asked for details of things that he has done (I'm sure they remember things, and I know that they have seen and experienced his manipulation themselves and have addressed it with him - but they see that as normal as well, it's been their whole lives - I will be an example for them - that is the best I can do.) and I told them it is not appropriate or right for me to tell them those things. - If the reason I was leaving was because he was a drug user, alcholoic, physically abusive, I might tell them. I wouldn't even tell them if he was cheating.. they'd figure that out for themselves if that was the case.

But why can't he have enough respect for them (if not me) to THINK and realize that his emotional explainations to the kids is not healthy for them. It might make him feel better - and being there more for them now, and doing for more for them now, and making sure they see, hear and know all the good things he's doing now is good for him... he is a selfish A@# - I do not like his personality, cause I think he has bad character.... he is a funny guy, nice to your face, and sometimes behind your back, and he is cute, he's lovig to his kids, he's capapble and smart, a good providor and he's good in the sack.... but I can't stomach his BS - he is full of it, and now my daughter is judging me because of his emotions and his influence......

AAAUUUUURRRRRRRRRR I just want to be angry and defensive and explain myself to my daughter..... and I won't - not now... maybe in years ahead - if she asks - like YEARS... more than one or two - but not until then... that is why I had to vent here tonight.....

thanks... I just keep telling myself - I'm going to be ok. I'm going to be strong. and I'm going to be happy and not controlled or manipulated. I am going to live for real, love for real, smile for real and I am making it happen! My daughter will hopefully learn that living happily is not a privilage that is given to you - but a choice ... and you have to make it in the best way you can without being so selfish that you forget your influence on other's around you. You can find happiness without being so hurtful or manipulative or controlling - and without being controlled or manipulated.

whew.... I'm done -
thanks for listening (reading lol)
S

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 3:08pm

yes, i agree - often parents can make the unwise decision to include the kids in their relationships - i really liked how you noted that the relationship b/w he & i - is just that, b/w he & i...i'm keeping it - lol!! for when my kids are older...and yes, i agree - when things are really personal right now w/the kids etc. it's best to avoid it all together - if the day comes when you feel like sharing the wisdom you've gained thru life & love, then you can share in a way that isn't so close to home...

and yes - marriage is about friendship & committment - however there is much more - trust & respect among them - how is it that we often can feel that we can treat the person we are married to w/little to no regard, yet treat our "friends" & other's in our lives w/the utmost care - way backwards if you ask me!!

and last but not least - thanks for sharing about happiness being a choice!! i'm not 30 yet, however this has taken me about almost that long to truly learn...that regardless of circumstance, regardless of anything - i can be happy if i choose to...not to say that happiness always includes smiles - there can be some tears - but enjoying every moment - the good, the bad etc. can be found in happiness - simply appreciating being here & knowing that that fact alone is quite great & wonderful :) Good luck on your journey - sounds like you are being the strong person that you are choosing to be & living in a great place :)

Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 6:28am

I have to say, being strong.... is hard. I wish it was easier! So many things hurt inside, and fortunately for me I have 2 girl friends and an email friend that I met on IV to vent to. I run just about all the crap by them, and tell how I feel or how I felt and what I did to handle the situation - and they are all very encouraging. I have heard that it will continue to be hard and it will get harder at times. My H, DD and I all take a physical fitness "art" together - and that too can be difficult. Our social friends have been primarily through this group, and as you can imagine, I have not been invited to many social gatherings anymore. That hurts a lot too! But I am trying to stand my ground, and be friendly, fun in class, and continue to go to class and do the things enjoy. There really are only a select few who have really pulled back. Most of the people (whom in my opinion have been like an extended family) are friendly (and some initiate conversation before and after class) to me in class, but an even smaller group actually choose to socialize outside the school with me. oh well. what doesn't kill me, will make me stronger - it has in the past, there is no reason to think it will be any different this time. I'm not afraid of hard work. although, the time it took for me to get the courage to actually ask for this separation and not be wishy washy was about 9 months, and that was due much in part of the knowledge that I would lose friends. I knew I wanted to leave my H, and I was not in love with him, but thought maybe I could see something differently if I just give it a chance - I knew that the kids would be hurt, but we have a great love between us and I had faith that we would be ok in the long run - the only part of the separation that realy scared me was the lose of friends and knowing that I would not ask any of them to jump on my band wagon - and explain to them how it has been to be married to my H. so they would have to draw their own conclusions and knowing my H he would likely have a little to do with that, as he requires the attention of a victim. (not that he is not a victim in this at all, but he thrives on "poor me") and has. Today, and in the past 9 months he is the victim, but in the last 14 years - I have worn that hat frequently, and have now decided to hand it over to him for a while. He too will heal and hopefully for his own well being, learn to take it off.

take care, and thank you so much for the response. IV and the many people who have listened and advised, complained at and given virtual hugs to me have been priceless to me in the last year!

thanks ! If you ever need to "talk", feel free to email me.
S

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 12:54pm

YW & since I'm in a similar boat, the posts are just as much for myself ;) And I agree that it can be hard at times - especially on the "what to do" end of things - and knowing that yes, you could possibly change perspective on things - but I am a firm believer that both people have to get out of the woe is me syndrome & be able to take a really good look at themselves and what both people did to contribute to the demise of the marriage - the blame game is the number one killer in all of it...that of course is where a counselor can come in handy at...

And as far as feeling that you have "friends" that have distanced themselves from you - that could be for many reasons - either they feel it's like the plague & they will catch the divorce bug (which for many of them, they probably question their own marital state) or they are judging you due to lack of understanding - either way, you really have to question if they are true friends - we all go thru stuff in life & the ones that are there for you thru thick & thin, regardless of what you may go thru are the ones that you will have around - otherwise, let it go - as i heard recently "the people that mind, don't matter & the ones that matter, don't mind" - and that concerns w/anything in life...

Laurel :)