My ex is crazy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
My ex is crazy...
5
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 2:17pm
and selfish! He is even worse to deal with NOW than when we lived together! I travel for my job so he takes the kids about a week out of the month. He has been living in the same place for almost 2 years with his new wife, and jumping from job to job as usual. When the kids stay at his house, they absolutely HATE it! I found out recently that they don't even have BEDS to sleep in! They have to take turns sleeping on an inflatable mattress on the floor! Last week when I went to pick them up, I decided to actually go up to his apartment and I was absolutely shocked! The apartment stunk SO bad I could barely stand it! The carpet was filthy and looked like it hadn't been shampooed since they moved in two years ago! When I walked into the kids' room, I found the kids getting all of their stuff together and noticed there was only an inflatable mattress in the room. I asked my son if they sleep on the mattress and my daughter said that they take turns sleeping on the floor! I was absolutely disgusted. My ex promised the kids a long time ago that he was going to buy them beds, and take good care of them when I travel for my job, and he is obviously NOT capable of it! When I brought up my concerns to my ex over the phone, of course he got defensive called me names, called me a c*nt, told me to p*ss off, the works. I told him he obviously didn't care enough about the kids to clean up the place and buy them decent beds to sleep on! Yet he and his wife always have money to spend on themselves. $75 shoes, computers, electronics, a fancy wedding, the works! But NOTHING for his own kids?? My ex has a very liberal visitation schedule, so he didn't take them on specific days or times, and since my job is so unpredictable, I could be called out of town on short notice. I have to travel next week for a couple days and he was supposed to take the kids, but after the long talk I had with the kids and finding out what they deal with there, I can't in good conscience let them go back! I told my ex I would make alternative arrangements for the kids, but they would not be staying with him next week. He then called my son on the phone and by the time my son got off the phone with him, my son was in tears and feeling sorry for his father! This man is SO manipulative and selfish, trying to make the kids feel guilty and me out to be the bad guy for looking out for them. I can't FORCE this man to grow up! Why not just buy the kids beds on my own?? Because I have done things like this in the past, and my ex never learns. Money to help him buy a car, temporarily closing his child support case so he could catch up, things like that, and he doesn't appreciate anything and he expects to not have to work or be responsible? He has never paid back any money I have lent him and doesn't care! Even if I DO buy the kids beds, I can't afford to hire a MAID!! They are adults! They both work now! There is no excuse for how they are living and the fact that they can't go to bisman-online in town here and buy a couple of $150 bunk beds! I hate this so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 2:46pm

I am angry on your behalf. Crazy and selfish only begin to cover his behavior. Your children deserve better than this.

It sounds like you are doing the right things to see that your kids are taken care of appropriately when you cannot be with them.

Have you spoken with your attorney about the living conditions when your children are with him. I can't imagine a court would be happy with what you describe. I mean maybe you don't want to take it there (and I don't know about your financial situation). It is just a thought and an opinion.

My basic thoughts are you are RIGHT and feel free to vent away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 2:56pm
Thanks for the post. It's nice to hear from others who validate how I feel about this; although I can't imagine anyone (other than my ex) thinking that I am over reacting. It's just so frustrating. I held things together while we were still together, and I am holding things together NOW with the kids. He is married to someone who is more like him, so it looks as though nothing ever gets done. I wish I could afford a nanny when I am out of town. I don't want to keep the kids away from their dad, like he thinks, but this is ridiculous! Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:26pm
Can you get a lawyer involved? Sounds like neglect to me. As for the beds, I find myself in a similar situation with my STBX now. I hate it because I give he takes and never learns. Then I feel angry, used and depelated. But I say to myself, is it in the best interest of my son? Then I cave, reminding myself it is for him, not HIM. Still sucks though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:53pm
Yeah, I know what you mean. I get so angry at myself for being taken advantage of by him. He pays very little in child support; I pay all the day care and medical. I lent him $1000 to help him buy a car, and have never seen the money. I know its about the kids, but I feel so RESENTFUL that I am picking up the slack for him. He has always had a woman taking care of him and has never stood on his own two feet. And now with this, he has spent SO much money on himself that could have gone for the kids, it just makes me so angry! When I spoke to my ex and told him that I would be making other arrangements for the kids for next week, he didn't have much to say. I don't foresee getting my lawyer involved unless he does first. I feel if he chooses to see his kids, then he needs to create an acceptable environment for them. At this point, he doesn't apparently care one way or the other. The kids don't feel like being there right now at this point, so I don't want to force them to go to his place. My parents will be taking them next week, and when I travel again, we'll just have to play it by ear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 7:09am
Your situation is so hard. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. I hate when people say that to me because all I want to scream is that my circumstances suck. But just keep doing what you are doing.