My first post

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
My first post
6
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 8:09pm

Hello all, I have enjoyed reading all of your posts for a while now and thought it might be time to share my story. I am not sure how to sum up my experience without making this way too long, but I will do my best.


I have been divorced for about 2 weeks, I initiated it, he finally drove me to my breaking point, I have been unhappy for quite a while and tried to tell him to no avail. He did not want it, but luckily cooperated. We did a dissolution so it would be less expensive. He

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
In reply to: zee39
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 1:14am

Hey there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
In reply to: zee39
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 10:13am
Hi, thanks for your response. I am not going to allow him to stay overnight anymore, he will need to plan to take them for the weekend somewhere or only visit during the day. I also totally agree with you about the good and bad. He thinks he is being so good to me, but doesn't see that he is completely stressing me out. He finally made me decide last night on the phone if I see us getting back together and I said no, it's over. I am just waiting for the lashback now, he is a loose cannon and I don't know what to expect him to do. I will probably be on here quite a bit, because I will need all the therapy I can get and this is very helpful to share and to know that I am not alone in going through something like this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: zee39
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 6:06pm

Hi Zee,


Welcome to the board. We hope you find support and advice here.


My first thought is you need to set some boundaries, pronto! Yes, you must not allow your Ex to stay overnight to see the dogs. That's just plain B.S. You need to set a visitation schedule. He picks up the dogs, takes them home, to the park, whatever, but no staying overnight and "romancing" you. That's just pure manipulation, period.


Does he have a key to the house? Then change the locks and don't give him a copy. That's another boundary.


Secondly, you need to think about what kind of life you do want and make a plan to pursue it. Recovery does take time and I dont' expect anyone to "snap out of" the pain of divorce in two weeks flat. That's not wise and it does take time to process what's happened.


Start by simply making a list of the things you want to do or learn. (My list had 254 items! Everything from "renew my driver's license to "learn to scuba dive"!). It can be fun and it will start to give shape to what it is you really want from life.


I also encourage you to find a therapist, a support group, a trusted friend with whom you can vent and seek advice. It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking you are all alone in your pain and that no one else has a clue what you're feeling. Counseling and support go a long way in helping you see past your immediate fears and emotions and help you start healing.


Third, your Ex is full of hot air regarding custody of your dogs. Any judge worth his salt would laugh such a lawsuit out of the courtroom. I have pets, too, and I understand how important they are to you and how much they mean to your life. However, they are not human children and as such they are not sensitive to whose got "custody." He's just blowing smoke at you in the hope of intimidating you. Ignore such threats. It's very possible somewhere down the road one or both of you will relocate or start a new relationship with someone new. At that time you'll have to make decisions about the dogs. So just let him yammer away about custody. It's just manipulation.


I think once you find support, start making a plan for the future (and by that I mean just the next day!) and get out of your house a little,

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
In reply to: zee39
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 8:39pm
Wow!! Thanks so much for the great advice! I am planning to see a counselor. Everything you said is right on, I just have been weak in my actions and really need to start doing what I want to do to get on with my life. I have a feeling I will reference your response often as I found it very inspiring, I really appreciate the input and hope that soon I can help someone else who may be going through something similar. I may not be in a place to give advice, but I can certainly share experiences and give support. I'm so thankful that I found this site!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: zee39
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 11:42pm

My husband BEGGED..... BEGGED.... for us to date after we divorced to try again.... "you're the only one I'll EVER love"


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
In reply to: zee39
Fri, 08-29-2008 - 12:10am
There is no doubt in my mind that once he finds someone else, I will be forgotten. My problem is I think I will actually be jealous and I don't really understand those feelings. I mean I don't want to be with him anymore, why do I care if he is with someone else?? He was married twice before me, it was my first, but he and his whole family told me that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I just feel sorry for the next one that falls for his lies. I feel fortunate that we never had kids, as much as I really wanted to have children, we both had issues in that area. It's funny, he does the you'll always be my wife thing too, I'll never love anyone else all that. He actually got a tattoo today that said my name love forever..he already had my name on his forearm, it makes me feel guilty, but I really never told him I felt we would get back together...he is just desperate I guess...tomorrow is his birthday and I am supposed to see him, I got him a card from me and the dogs, but I said a bunch of stuff to him tonight and it wouldn't surprise me a bit if he didn't go to a bar and hook up with someone tonight. Think I'll drop off the card and say see ya next weekend when you come to see the dogs. Your insight is also very helpful for me and my situation!! Thanks for the repsonse!!