My husband left me April 25, he refused

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Registered: 03-26-2003
My husband left me April 25, he refused
7
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 5:01pm

any counseling after one session, which he went to alone and says he just vented about me for an hour and half. We fought but nothing major to me. He said everything I did irritated him. We have 3 boys, ages 3, 5 and 11. They live with me and stay with him overnight a couple times a month. We still fight rarely when working out visitation and such for the kids. I filed for divorce shortly after he left, as I am a SAHM and needed to guarantee he would continue paying bills and give me some money for the kids and this is what the attorney said I needed to do (he left me with nothing except a credit card originally). The problem is I still have feelings for him and feel that a marriage should have more effort put into it before it is ended, despite the fact that I filed for divorce. What do I do now? he has made it fairly clear he still does not want counseling or me. It just feels like a weird position to be in. Please tell me someone else has been here. I guess I still don't feel like we were at a point where we needed to divorce, yet here we are.

Missy

 
 
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 5:52pm
This is one of the hard parts of divorce. You have to make decisions and do things that you don't want and don't believe in. You are right. Not enough effort was made to save your marriage but you can't do anything about it because your stbx won't make the effort. You really have no choice. I think most marriages end before real effort is made. You just can't force another person to step up to the plate though. Take care of yourself and know that you are doing the right thing.
Avatar for missyflanders
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 8:14pm

My oldest son actually just told my mom that he now sees his dad more now than when he lived with us. Maybe we are doing the right thing by the kids. Who knows. I hate this whole situation.

Missy

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 9:52pm
HI MIssy -
You know, my STBX showed more consideration for my feelings after we seperated than he did living with me. How strange is that? It sounds like you are doing the right thing for you, and your family. It won't be easy, but your son just put it beautifully for you. It sounds like the kids are very well adjusted and will be just fine! :)
My STBX told me "he tried" and it really ticked me off because the truth of the matter is, he didn't. Okay... maybe he did...for like 2 days... But he was incapable of putting in a consistant effort.
Isn't it frustrating when you're there saying "Hey! Let's work on this. This is can be repaired. This can be made better. I am willing to put in the time and effort." And have him basically tell you that all that doesn't matter? That he's incapable or unwilling to do that for you and for your family and the dreams you shared and the good times you had? I know it didn't make me feel good either.
But a marriage takes two. You have to confront things as a team, as partners. Right now, he doesn't sound like he's being a partner. Or even a friend.
Give yourself some time. It sounds like you've got great kids and a great family. Build a support mechanism you can lean on when you need it (that's what we're here for). And you guys will be a whole lot happier.

- JD

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

Avatar for missyflanders
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 11:47am

Thank you very much for the responses. I think it just all hit me because I took the kids on vacation to my moms, got a job and have to look at selling the house when I return and putting the kids into day care all at the same time. Just a little overwhelmed and miss my best friend. I know I will get over it eventually it or at least adjust a little better just having a hard time right now. It is amazing how resilient kids are. Hope they do as well when the house is sold.

Missy

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 12:41pm

Now hold on just a minute here.

You are not divorced yet. And if you still have feelings for him, so you are not done yet.

If you are not ready to get divorced, then get in there and fight for your marriage.

If he's physically abusing you, or if he's an addict, be done with him and move on. Otherwise, what have you possibly got to lose?

Somewhere along the line he got abandoned in this relationship, so he built up a lot of resentment towards you, and probably felt his only option was to leave.

Divorce is awful. It hurts emotionally, everyone is scarred, and it costs a lot of money. Only lawyers and the civil court system benefit.

If you think that there's still a chance to try again and make it work, don't give up. I'd like to see you try two things.
1. Get into counceling for yourself (and your family). You can work on you.
2. Find out from your husband what he wants and what it would take to stay married. (You certainly wouldn't be any worse off than you are now for knowing what he's thinking and what he wants).

Leave no stone unturned. Then, if you do get divorced, you'll know there was nothing else to try or do.

Good Luck.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 4:05pm

I started what I thought would be marriage counseling 6 months ago, it turned into individual counseling. I have been trying to talk to h about everything but he refuses over the phone and refuses to even acknowledge emails. What is left to do? Everything so far has been one sided.
It takes two to make a marriage work and I don't know how to do it alone.

Missy

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 4:10pm


Missy, you said it right there. You can not save your marriage alone. If your H does not want to work on it, the best thing you can do is care for yourself and your children. In the end, my ex refused counseling also. I couldn't force him to go, and it helped contribute to the demise of our marriage. Don't feel guilt about this. It sounds like you have done everything you possibly could have.




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