My Journey:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
My Journey:)
2
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 2:46pm

I wanted to introduce myself again. This may be long but I would hate to think everything I went through was for no cause. So hopefully someone may laugh or someone may get some prespective from something.. LMAO

I was on here before(different username though) It has been awhile. I am not divorced yet as the benefits to me outweight the negatives. But not much longer, it is a moral question of right and wrong to me.. He is not in a hurry as it does not really affect his dating.

My STBX has pants issues, namely they kept falling down at the wrong time.. Bought him a belt and it did not help. :) I am a stubborn girl. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be, never happens on TV. Everyone on TV is so happy, well except for Lifetime;) I thought if I did everything just right then it would all be ok. Besides he always came back to me. So he must have liked me the best, right? Well good news! I finally decided I did not want him back. Let me tell you, the stages of grief been through all of them at least twice. I mentioned I was stubborn right?

I had the intial feeling of nausea because I knew something was not right. I had the OMG how will I breathe without him stage, I am not proud to say but I also begged. Together 13 years and three kids. I was/am scared to death..
**Note to anyone reading: Never beg or compromise what you believe for the sake of anyone else. Although tempting you can NEVER take it back, and it makes them feel good about them selves because they have the power.
I was so angry and discusted with myself I could not look in a mirror. I also did the false hoping, reading into everything he said looking for "clues." I felt bad for being so angry with him that I could have maimed him with a lemon zester. A book I read said if I was that angry then I was not healing correctly... #&(!%&*# Whatever!!! I have some of the most wonderful friends in the world, they were always there for me. Kept telling me how strong I was but I felt worse because I was so strong but thought I was literally going to die from the pain. I was amazed it hurt so much to have your heart broken. Who knew?

There where signs from the very start of the relationship. I was young and naive. I left an abusive home and found him. I never had a chance to be me. I was who I had to be at home and then I was his. I am just now becoming mine. I have learned it does not matter what books or people say. The way I feel is the way I feel, it is not wrong if I feel it. Because I am perfect the way I am.

He is the way he is. He uses people to make himself feel good. When he uses one up he moves to the next one. It is just who he is. He choses weak girls that will look at him like some sort of amazing godlike man, who can do no wrong. I once looked at him as THE most amazing wonderful man that was going to love me forever. I became so dependant on him for my self worth, it is shameful to me. He will continue to use me as long as I let him. Now when I look at him I see something very sad. The transformation has left me awestruck. I do think he loved me at one time as much as he was able. We both made mistakes that lead to the choices he made but he made them not me. I dont want to feel bad for his chioces or actions anymore.

About two months ago, all the feelings in my life that I had carefully hidden away for 20+ years flooded out. I am now on medication to get my head in order, and the best part is I am not even a tiny bit ashamed. I am seeing someone to help me figure out why I do the things I do. I always thought it was dumb to blame your family for something that happened years ago. However if my family would have taught/ shown me respect, love, etc. Then I would have had a better sense of self worth and made better choices. I constantly work so hard with my children so they feel loved and treasured. I no longer have any contact with my family. They are very negative. I also have limited my contact with people that are not a positive influence to me. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about me and how I feel. Also why I react to some people/feelings the way I do. I have NO desire to be involved with a man until I figure out who the hell I am. I want to be a whole person before I give anything to anyone else. The kids are different. Every ounce I give them comes back, by loving them it is like loving myself. They grew in my belly, I cant think of anything more wonderful. One did not grow in my belly but I love him because he is mine to shape and mold into an adult. I think the best thing we can do for our children wheter divorced or not is to love the monkeys as much as possible, I dont want the cycle to repeat itself. I still go through a lot of emotions I have some trouble with. I am actually feeling things for probably the first time in my life. Everyday is a constant battle to go forward with my life but I am bound and determined to come out of this stronger. I have dreams and I know I will get over the fear of failure.

If you read this I hope in some way it is able to help you realize you will feel better one day. One day you will even feel complete without the other person. I am still working on it but there is hope. I can see that now. It is exciting to me and I just felt like I had to share this with someone. I was scared I would end up old in a trailer full of cats. I may but it is so far away. I recently turned 30, and had a hard time with it. Someone told me once I turned 30 I would gain prespective on things. I am offically a grown-up. No denying that now eh?

I hope I am able to contribute. Please dont pick on my spelling though. I have had too much coffee:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
In reply to: blissgal30
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 9:42pm
Thank you for posting your message. I am new to this and actually posted the one re controlling anger. A lot of what you wrote is what I am going through. I feel so frustrated, angry and helpless. I am older than you by 10 years and spent 19 of them giving everything to my sbtx. My self worth, confidence, and life were and are wrapped up in him. He destroyed my faith in mankind right now and I am working to restore faith that he is the one w/ the problem, as he is the one who broke the marital vows, not me. I have no family and only new friends as we had moved to this state one year ago. He met her at work and is in love - but small problem w/ her not leaving her husband or kids. All I want to do is somehow hurt him. My kid is angry w/ him and I keep my mouth shut around the kid re the sbtx. It's nice to see that you are able to move ahead and move on. Given that I've got age on you - I too worry about the old and cats scenario too. That's why I have to get beyond the anger. It's nice to see that you are also able to laugh. I'll get there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
In reply to: blissgal30
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 4:20am

I promise it will get better. I tried so hard to keep trying, and he fought me the whole way. I thought I was going to die. This was not the way it was supposed to be. I had to figure everything out on my own, there was nothing anyone could have said to make it better for me. I guess kick myself in the butt;)

You will come to your conclusion in time. If there is anything I can do to help, even listen I will be more than happy to.. Good Luck..

PS. The sense of humor is what kept me from becoming a raging alcoholic I think.. When I lose sight of what I want I take the kids to the park and get on the swings with them. It was impossible for me to feel bad while swinging.. Plus the kids think I am super cool for going so high. A win win situation:)

((((((((((((((((((Big Hugs)))))))))))))))))))