My last night in hell
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| Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:47pm |
And it has been absolute hell. I want to start by apologizing, I have been extremely negative and needy this week, I hope that this phase in my life will be ending very soon. But right now I have noone that I can talk to, so I come here to vent and hope for insightful feedback.
I came home tonight and was confronted with "I need to talk to you". So after the kids were in bed I decided to let him "talk". He proceeded to tell me that he was going to prevent me from removing the kids from the house. He told me (I believe it's a lie) that he went to "his" lawyer and the lawyer told him that according to the law, the kids should not be removed from their home. Then he told me that he will stay home from work to prevent me from taking the kids to my new place- and he told me that it was my fault he was doing this because last night I told him that he can't come over to my new place whenever he wants.
So, I remained calm. I spent hours and hours just sitting there, biting my tongue and listening to him go on and on about how everything is my fault and he has done nothing but good for me etc etc. I felt like I was being flogged. It killed me inside. And I let him do it because I was trying to let him vent enough to be reasonable in regards to the kids. In the end his "compromise" was that I could take the kids to the new place tomorrow night as long as I let him come over from 4-8 to be with them. I very hesitantly agreed.
I hate all of this. I hate myself for agreeing to let him be in my new space when all I desperately need is to be away from him completely. I hate myself for letting him degrade me. And most of all I really, really hate him. He goes ballistic when I tell him that this type of treatment of me is abusive, but god, it has to qualify as abuse because I feel like I have no worth whatsoever.

Do you have an attorney? You really need to get one, NOW.
As for tomorrow, call the police tonight and tell them what is happening. They can come and escort you out. He may bully you, but I very much doubt he's got the balls to take on the police.
He has NO right to come into YOUR house. If you let him in tomorrow, who says he'll leave? Who's to say he won't come back night after night. Call the police to see what you can do right now. If you have an attorney, call him/her first thing in the morning.
I wish you good luck in the next 24 hours. We're here for you if you need to vent, but be sure you take care of yourself physically. There's not much we can do to help you there, but believe me I'd stand between you and that jerk if I could.
Yes - you need a lawyer, now. See someone - it is an investment, if you wait you will still have to pay, and even more because it will take more time.
His lawyer can have said whatever - but it isn't true. Note that you should really make sure that you have done everything properly before leaving your home: in some states, leaving the house may lead to custody allocated to the other spouse:
Under Maine law (Title 19–A M.R.S.A. §1653(5)), the court may not consider departure from the family residence as a factor in determining parental rights and responsibilities when: (1) the departing parent has been physically harmed or seriously threatened with physical harm by the other parent and the harm or threat of harm was the reason for the departure, or (2) when one parent has left the family residence by mutual agreement or at the request or insistence of the other parent.
In other words, you have to make sure that his agreement is in writing and in front of witnesses. DO NOT TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT. of course, this is in Maine, so you need to check in your state.
If you can find an agreement, it may help the children if the first evening he is there for the evening... but don't make it a habit. it is your home - or otherwise you may as well stay where you are!!!!
I agree with the other two posters--you do need an attorney, or at bare minimum some sound legal advice from someone familiar with the laws in your state.
And yes, what he is doing to you is abuse--abuse isn't always physically--emotional abuse is just as difficult to recover from, if not more so, because everything often "looks fine" even when its not...
I don't know about having him come over from 4 to 8--it seems like he is attempting to control you (another abusive action)--by being present in the house during those hours... your place is ~your~ place. My xh lives out of state, and doesn't come into town often, but I don't let him visit our son here--I really feel like it is an invasion of my privacy--the in laws, sure... its kinda an anywhere but here situation--but each situation is different--I just don't like what I'm hearing from you about yours...
In any case, I hope your hell is over now and that you and the kidlets are all right... Get legal advice--knowledge is power and once you have that knowledge and power, you'll be able to figure out when your stbx is just talking crap about the divorce and separation... and never feel bad about posting here--that's what we're here for! Sometime when you have a stronger day/week, you know you'll give back too!
*hugs*
Julie
I'm new here, so I don't know how needy you have been this week, but it is ok to be needy sometimes!
I have to commend you for staying strong. Coming from an abusive (physically and emotionaly) relationship, I know how hard it is to just keep your emotions in check sometimes. Just remember, there is NO WAY its all your fault, it takes two!
I agree with everyone, I think you need to see an attorney and protect yourself. I am currently living in my "married" house and wish so bad I could have a new space. I think you should keep him out of your new place! Its a place for you to start over and grow, not for him to take over.
I know how easy it is to hate yourself for "letting" situations happen, but its not ok to beat yourself up about it. Now that you have your own place, if he is degrading you or continuing to need to "talk", you simply don't have to listen anymore. I know you have children, and some things need to be discussed, but try to keep it only about things that are neccessary. And, as hard as it is, hating him really isn't worth it, you're only hurting you. Most likely, he doesn't know, or care that you are hating him.
Keep your head up and make sure you take care of yourself. You'll get past this point in your life and better days are to come!
~Jenn