My marriage has ended.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
My marriage has ended.....
8
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 11:13am

I filed for divorce. I have been married for 2 and a half years to a man I thought loved me. I came to find out that he was cheating on me (probably not the first time it happened within our marriage) and once I found out, he asked for a divorce. He has since moved in with this other girl (who knows that he was married but I am pretty sure he told her that he was unhappy and wanted to end it with me) He is now living with this other girl. I thought he adored me until the very last minute that I found out that he was having an affair. He told me that he was working and that he was bettering our life and doing it all for the future. We had just purchased a house and the next step was starting a family. The day I uncovered the affair, he denied it all and said only maybe its best if we divorce. You want children and I don't...EVER! Why didn't he ever voice this desire to not want kids in the past?? His cheating all came and took me by surprise. He has a daughter from a previous casual relationship and he said that he was tricked into that. He hold resentment against that woman because of that and is not really actively involved in the little girls life. I don't know, as I am writing this, I realize all the "baggage" he has but I don't understand why he was so quick to jump out of our marriage without trying to work things out with me. I thought we had it all.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 11:35am

I am sorry what has happened to you but I believe its better to find out after two years that your husband is a cheater than twenty years..

I know that doesnt make the pain go away but all you can do now is take care of yourself .

Why not go into therapy and support groups for divorced women and start healing and finding out why you picked such a man?

Were there any signs of the type of man he was when you dated him ? He sounds pretty unstable with a host of problems. At this point though you cant focus on who he is? You can focus on you and take care of you .

I married and now divorced an abusive man and when we met there were red flags that I ignored.. It took me years to figure out why I married him and took his abuse.

Come to find out I had low self esteem and was the perfect victim. So I healed and learned and educated myself and moved on to a much better life free of drama and I stopped being a victim. I also raised my self esteem and self awareness so I am hoping I don make another bad choice in men (lol)

Oh; and the chances of your husband and the girl working out is zero. So when the day comes he is alone and still messed up you will be happy, healthy mentally and most likely leading a nice drama free life.

Its your choice to be the authentic person you were meant to be without this man...

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 2:17pm

Hi

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 2:52pm
Really, It's a good thing that you found out that he was a cheater and that he wanted out of the marriage BEFORE you had kids with him and were more invested in the marriage. Men have a way of thinking they are unhappy in the marriage once another woman comes along. Your H is probably sure of himself right now that the grass is going to be greener with her. The reason he jumped out so quick is because he probably wasn't really committed to being married to begin with. Some people also jump ship once the honeymoon period wears off and the reality of marriage sets in. Honestly just be glad you found out who he was now rather than 2 or 3 kids and five or ten years down the road.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 11:01am

I find myself wondering the "Why?" myself from time to time. I have no idea. All unanswered questions...... Thank you for your reply and for the articles, I will be reading them :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 11:03am

It's unfortunate that you find yourself in this situation, but all I can say is thank goodness! you didn't have kids!

And it sounds like all the warning signs were there, you just refused to see them. Unfortunately we as women can get so side swept by "the dream" - w/marriage, house, kids etc. that we lose sight of things that are right in front of us that tell us that this man is not cut out for these things. I mean - you can dress up a dog, but that doesn't mean it's not going to take the clothes off at some point. I also think that our desire to feel loved, special & adored can often outweigh common sense. I mean, if you feel too "loved, adored or special" in your relationship - that may be a red flag! Often these displays of affection etc. are due to guilt or some hidden agenda. For example - my xh just proposed to his gf at her family reunion. To some, this would seem like a wonderful thing/loving gesture etc. To me - I see it as complete manipulation tactic. I mean why wouldn't he want his friends/family there also? He obviously did it completely for her b/c that is what she wanted - to be married. And while he will give her that part of things - he will never truly give himself in an intimate or true way to her or a marriage. I know - I've been there - lol. It was also a way to make himself look good in front of the family - when reality - he doesn't value women - much less her. The wk prior to his "proposal" he attempted to come see me & I know that anytime I wanted him sexually (b/c that's pretty much his only worth) I could have him. Who knows what else he does on the side. I know he doesn't stay home w/her etc. But I'm sure she thinks the ring will change things --- and like you --- I'm sure she has her convinced that he's not home for the - greater good. I told her before she moved in - that he wasn't a good husband or ever at home. She chose to ignore me - even after she called him "a sheep in wolves" clothing.

And it makes perfect sense why this guy wants to bail so quickly. Mine xh did also - his lawyer was on speed dial - I think he took his ring off after a few wks of marriage & was talking of divorce only a few months later. I'm sure she will have the same experience - it's lots of fun!

They want to bail b/c they feel guilty. They want what they want - to be adored & loved by a woman. They want someone who will give them lots of sex, cook their meals, take care of their kids, keep them from being lonely & they will do anything - say anything to get those needs met. And when you aren't able or willing to meet those needs - then they will find someone else right around the corner to do so --- and we women fall for it everytime. I'm not saying that men are really any worse than we as women are - b/c we want what we want as well --- the ring, the house, kids, the image - "the life". So ----- as you see - it's a twisted cycle.

But mine stops here. I've gotten to the point in life - thank goodness - where I have learned that I need to work on myself - and creating a life for me that is real and genuine to who I truly am - and not some animalistic instinct that I'm filled w/ or what society tells me that I am or should be - with a man - so that we both multiply and conquer the world or whatever. I have been blessed w/children - but there's a lot of pain there - and I know I would have still been okay and happy w/out having them. I have to provide myself w/joy, happiness and love in life & I will be single until I get there. That way, I will not be so blind or easily fooled by something that isn't real or true in the future. I wish the same for you - and hope that you take your experience as a warning and don't look back. These "situations" are not child's play & can easily not only rob you of happiness and peace, but also years of your life & put you in horrible situations and leave you scarred. Do not take all of this lightly, talk yourself out of the truth or be there for him when he decides he wants you back or is tired of this other woman --- b/c it will happen. Move on w/your life & burn the trash. Otherwise, you will end up right back here again - later & possibly off way worse.

(((Hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 11:07am

Thank you for your response. I am taking the time to heal and work on myself now. I know in the end I will be better. Its just really hard right now. Dating is difficult. I went out on a date with I guy that I was initially interested in but it seems he is a heavy drinker and he has been getting drunk a lot lately. Not really what I am looking for in a potential mate. I have to become more aware of the red flags and acknowledge them once I become aware of them. I truly believe that people SHOW you who they really are, its just up to us too actually SEE it! It was difficult with my future ex husband in the beginning, he was charming and true and everything felt so real. I thought he was THE ONE when I met him and I started to believe what everyone used to tell me "when you meet him, you'll just know." Things were really perfect but now looking back it is as if he was putting on an act just to win me over. The way he left me showed his true colors and his true persona. I still feel empty with a ton of questions and I was willing to try to make it work. But he was out the door in a flash. In time, this too shall pass and I will be stronger and a better person because of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 12:38pm

You said exactly what I could have said about my X - just like you - I TRULY thought he was THE ONE. Like yours - he was so charming etc. --- note to self - look up "sociopath" or "psychopath" (I get the two a little confused) but see if you don't see some similarities to your ex there, I did!

And now --- I do believe he was "THE ONE" ---- he was the one who would come to teach me to love myself a little more & whatever else is outside of myself - a little less.

And no worries - I'm sure your ex made others before you & after you feel exactly the same way - and DENIAL will see them through w/him all the way up until the very end - when he has taken things too far w/them.

I say - don't ever date someone until you talk to their ex. I mean seriously - jobs don't hire you until they've checked out your references.

And --- yes, you will notice when you are ready to start dating again (which I would hope that you would let yourself truly heal before you even think about dating anyone - otherwise your relationship would be doomed) --- you will start to notice flags immediately. Actually - I don't think anyone will come w/out them - everyone - especially at this stage of the game has them --- but at least you will hopefully be honest w/yourself about seeing them & asking yourself if they are really going to be things that you will be able to accept about them? Where there are pros - there are cons.

I don't think our experiences mean for us to never risk or love again - but for me - it just means to risk & love a lot less again - lol!

What's the saying? The older you are, the harder it is to get back up after you fall!

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 4:33pm

You are so right!

chaika