My marriage just imploded

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
My marriage just imploded
6
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 5:09pm
My husband and I have decided to call it quits. I can look back on everything and realize I've been spinning my wheels for some time but deep down I always hoped we'd be able to work things out. Our relationship has always had a lot of love but has been tempestuous to say the least. He was my first and only serious boyfriend so I really don't have any other experience in relationships beyond him.
To start, we've been married 6 1/2 years and recently had our first child, a daughter, in June. We had relocated to a new state in February to be nearer to our families. To do this, we both quit our jobs without anything else lined up (stupid, I know) and took the big plunge. This was coming on the heels of an infidelity on my part, preceeded by his one year earlier. Needless to say, things haven't worked out entirely how we thought or planned they would. I was offered a job but decided to turn it down because I was both pregnant and it was in the city where he didn't want to live. Basically, I was told that if I took the job, it was over. Now I'm living with my parents with our 6 week old while he lives with a single friend and works through the week. I have only recently started the job search as I feel torn between working to pay the bills (I have student loans and debt) and wanting to be with her all the time. Two weeks ago, we had one of our traditional blow outs about sex and meeting needs. This has been the number one thing we've fought about our entire marriage. It's never been about money (or lack thereof), school, friends, etc. For 6 1/2 years, I've been told that I haven't met his needs sexually. In response, I've clammed up or lashed out, not the right thing to do. I thought that recently we'd been making strides in communication as I was learning to finally open up and he was being more understanding in his approach. However, we got into another discussion last night (we were supposed to finally be moving in together tomorrow) and things got heated. It ended with him saying "I'm done...this is over...goodbye". Was I subconsciously pushing him to be the one to say it? He will also now be living permanently with the friend he's been staying with, a single dad who only sees his son every now and then. He has said that now is his opportunity to do things for himself as he's never been able to before because of the responsibility of being married, etc. The month before the big move, we had more communication and understanding than I can ever remember having in the previous years combined. I'm wondering....am I mourning the loss of my entire 20's and the idea of what was supposed to be? I'm very confused and conflicted as to whether or not this is the best move.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 7:44pm

Oh Lil, I am so very sorry for you. You have so much to work through, if you could just get counseling maybe you'd be able to work things out. Try your local family services, I'm taking my son to them next week and it doesn't cost anything. If you can't go together, go yourself because it will be good for you alone too. A new baby can add so myc stress, esp. your first one because it changes your life so much. I think my husband was jealous of how much I loved my son, but couldn't admit it so it came out in terrible ways.

Hang in there. If you can stay with your parents til you get your feet on the ground that will help. Maybe you can just get a part-time job for a while, and your H should be paying some child support to help you out financially.

Ill be thinking of you..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:01pm
Thank you so much for responding hockeymom. It's only day 1 and I feel as if time is slowly ticking by. I look at my daughter and feel like I let her down in the worst possible way and that I've ruined her chance for having a "normal" family. I'll look into the counseling...I think it would help. However, I don't think he'll go because we've tried it before without any improvements. Does it ever get any better?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:16pm

No matter what you are going through, things do get better everyday. We all have different reasons for being here. Different stories of how are marriages are crumbling. But it does get better. One of the best pieces of advice I've learned (I think it came from this board) is that you have to take care of yourself. You aren't any good for your daughter if you are not good yourself.

Try the counseling, start making a plan for yourself. A plan that doesn't HAVE to include your husband. Focus on YOU!!! And what you need to do for yourself, so that you will be strong to take care of your baby regardless if he is here or not.

Debi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:20pm
You know every one and ever situation is different. I think it's harder on you as a mother to go through this when you children are small, but it's easier on the kids because they will never have to endure the splitting up. My son is 15 and having a really hard time, and I wish every day that I had left his father when he was younger, but I know I wouldn't have had the strength. We've been married 30 years, and it took me about the last 6-8 years to line up my ducks so I could get out. My husband has become so abusive, not physical - yet - but verbal, emotional, mental and now he's that way to my son. We've been separated 5 months, I just began the divorce process after he made crazy accusations of my son last week. But I was ready to leave, I haven't regretted it once. I only regret not doing it a long time ago. If you're sure it will never work, then have faith in yourself, believe that your love for your daughter will light your path do doing the right thing. My h wouldn't go for counseling either. I am going to sneak my son to counseling this coming week. Can't tell his father because he'll convince him not to go. So go for yourself. Yes it gets better. When the arguing and tension is out of your life for a while, you'll start to breathe easier. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:48am

Hi -

I think it is important that you get into counseling AND educate yourself about the resources available to you - counseling,legal aid, GAL, mediators, financial aid for education, WIC, medical care, etc. Be brutally honest with yourself about how much support your parents can provide. Can you continue to live with them for a period of time or is this only for the short term? Are they able to help you with any child care? You need to make a plan to become self-sufficient. You said you recently moved to be near family, are there good employment opportunities in the area? Do you need to increase your education to be able to support yourself and your child? Do you know exactly how much debt you have? Is your husband covering you and your child for medical insurance? The more planning you can do and information that you have, the better off you will be. Best wishes.

Tina

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 3:35pm

Don't give up on your marriage - You didn't waste your time, you invested it.

Forgive each other (really forgive not just words) You're even, let it go.

plan a future and work towards it

Don't be selfish.

LOVE that child and each other with all your heart.

Feeling come back