My parent's impending divorce...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
My parent's impending divorce...
7
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 8:29pm
I posted on the "My Affair" board to TRY and understand why this is happening...
In a nutshell, my mom and dad are going to be divorced after 29 years of marriage due to my mother's infidelity.
I know she is my mother, but I am having a HARD time trying to forgive her. I mean, I'm not even talking to her right now after a week (we used to talk several times a day).
As of right now, I have little interest in trying to forgive her and let go of my anger. Granted, I only found out 2 weeks ago...
I feel like she took advantage of our relationship. Just because Im her daughter, it was wrong of her to assume that I would forgive her and welcome her back in my life with open arms. I don't think she is prepared for the repurcussions of all the people she has hurt...
Please, any advice is surely welcome at this time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 8:30am

I totally understand where you are coming from.


My parents separated 5 years ago. My father was seeing someone else. After that my mother started to deteriorate and many many unforgivable things happened. I knew that their marriage was unhappy before it ended and so did my mom. Thing is, I forgave my father because he made the right decision for him. Was it the right decision for my mother, no.


Here's the thing, I am having a hard time forgiving my mother for her actions after my father left her. She has done a lot of things. Said a lot of things and she automatically thinks I should forgive her because she is my mother. Actually a lot of people think I should forgive her.... but I just can't.


The way I work through it was hard at first. I cried a lot. I guess the only advice I can give you is take time. Take time to work through your feelings and then make the right decision for you. Make sure it is the right decision for you and not for anyone else. Family is tricky. It's hard to hold a grudge sometimes, but if you forgive at the drop of a hat you will resent it later. Trust me, I know. It just eats away at you.


Hugs to you and good luck


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 9:00am

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. While I have no experience dealing with a parental affair, there have been a few situations where I haven't seen eye to eye with my mother. My family isn't the talking and resolving type, so the way I deal with it when she says something that would otherwise hurt my feelings is that my mother just doesn't understand me, but she's still my mom and I love her. I just don't share as much as I otherwise would.

My point for you would be that you don't have to condone what your mother did or forgive her right away. If you want to work on your relationship with her, you can start with "I don't agree with or understand why you did what you did, but you're my mom and I love you." Maybe you will come to understand that she wasn't happy in the marriage and made a bad choice she regrets and you will be able to forgive her. If she doesn't acknowledge what she did and regret it, you can still have a relationship with her. With family, we can love the people, without loving their choices.

Right now, what happened is so recent that it's natural that you're still dealing with shock, anger, and disbelief. But if you can find it in your heart to offer your mother your support, even limited I love you but not what you did support, it could mean a great deal to her. Right now she's being seen as the bad guy by a lot of people, I'm sure, and may not have many people she can lean on. Even though she caused it, dealing with the breakdown of a 29 year marriage is a lot to deal with.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 12:08pm

Shannon, I know right now it feels like your parents are divorcing because of your mother's affair....but in all fairness to her, there are more than likely a whole lot of reasons that you are not aware of and may never be told about. People in happy, loving, fulfilling relationships rarely just go out and sleep with someone else for no reason.
No, I am not condoning her behavior, but just saying that there is probably a lot more to the situation.

My father had several affairs near the end of my parent's marriage....I forgave him, but my sister never did. She was on my mom's side 100%...but I could see past the affair to the unhappy marriage and relationship and understood why it happened.
To this day ( after 25 years ) my mom still trashes everything about my dad to me...I am the only one of the kids that she does this to. Perhaps that's why I saw why he did it...because she used to dump this on me while they were married as well.

Once the initial pain has settled a bit, you may well also be able to see that the marriage was not as happy for your parents as you thought it was. We all want to see our parents as being perfect...but they're not, they're human and they do make mistakes.
A divorce is rarely 100% one person's fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 1:01pm
My dad left when I was 6 for another woman, now my stepmom, for yrs I never understood why he left. Now I'm 25 and nothing but a daddy's girl. I love my dad no matter what he does, he is my dad. About 4yrs ago he cheated on my stepmom and I found out before she did. I went to him and told him I knew about her, he cried, we cried together. My stepmom called me and we cried together. I told her she would always be a part of my life and I won't take up for him, but I love him no matter what and I don't agree with what he does. My dad knows that, and they worked everything out, he doesn't cheat anymore, that we know of. My point is he is my dad and I don't care what he does. He hurt my mom and my stepmom and I don't blame either of them it was his fault and he knows that.
Your parents won't always be around, be with them while you can. We are never promised another day, love your parents. Be there for them no matter who is right or who is wrong they are your parents. I never have once regretted my parents divorcing it's the best thing they have ever done, now I have a wonderful stepmom, for 18 yrs now, and a stepdad for 14yrs, and they are all great parents I wouldn't trade them for the world. My best advise is forgive and forget.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 1:44pm

"A divorce is rarely 100% one person's fault."

But cheating is.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 3:30pm
My divorce is 100% my husband's fault. I accept responsibility for some of our problems, but he never said anything about having any problems, he just announced he wanted a divorce. And he's cheating on me. I've always been willing to work out our problems, he is not. He just wants out. He's turned into someone I don't know, a lying cheating weasel, and this divorce is all on his head.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 4:22pm

oh yes, cheating is 100% the cheaters fault.


When you get married, it is forever. It is ONE PERSONS CHOICE to stray from that marriage. If there are problems, you should work it out or atleast tell your spouse that you are unhappy BEFORE going elsewhere to get emotional or physical lust.


Divorce is rarely one person's fault. BOTH parties have to give up. I used to battle this everyday. I feel like I gave up and filed even though he is the one who wanted it. So I feel like it's my fault we are divorced because I know that we would still be "married" if we weren't. Having that "married" title, even though separated, gives