My Parent's Pending Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
My Parent's Pending Divorce
7
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 8:02pm
I am an adult. 28 years old, though I don't feel much like one. I am wondering if anyone is in a similar situation as mine....
I grew up with a verbally abusive father. He has a temper. He would lash out and throw things at my sister and I, and my mother was also very emotionally abused by him. So I should be glad that they are going to divorce after all this, right?
But I am not, I am heartbroken. My Dad decided to have an affair with an ex-stripper who is only a few years older than me, she is a single mother of a boy, (My dad always wanted boys). This woman went after him, knowing he was married, was even invited into our home at times for dinner (before my mother knew about the affair, of course). I might add that my father is a politician (small city) and he can lie with a smile on his face. My mother is also disabled now, which makes me grieve for her even more...I am so angry at him, I could spit. I cry everyday, and my mother still hasn't filed yet, she is waiting on a few more things to pass. He is also being nice right now, not wanting her to file under 'adultery' because he doesn't want anyone to find out - it might hurt his politcial career. I found out today he is getting an apartment, a two bedroom, so that the woman and the kid can live with him. I can't bear the thought of him starting another family, with the boy he always wanted, leaving my mom behind. Oh, but he still wants to be 'business partners' with my mom (she is supersmart and they own real estate together).
I know all this becuase we have a very open family. I wish i didn;t know as much, but i do. I told my dad that if and when he starts this new dream family of his, he can't have me anymore. I can't stand the thought of him being happy with this new woman and him adopting this son, after the hell he put my sister, mom and I through growing up. I have been reading posts about children not choosing sides, etc., but I am so hurt, and angry, I can feel this eating me up inside. And i am not even a child, I am a professional adult! If anyone can offer advice, admonition, anything, it would be greatly appreciated. I feel heartbroken and lost.
I
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 9:53pm

Sounds like your dad is a piece of crap going through his second childhood. Leaving your mom, who now needs him shows just what a louse he is. I'd drop him like a hot potato and tell your mom to do what she needs to do to be taken care of.......

I hate to say it, but odds are he's got his head so far up his you know what- that he isn't even thinking of you any more. I'm sorry.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 10:01pm
yes, it is sad but true. so i guess i wouldn't be awful if i cut him out. it hurts so much.
I
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 10:06pm
I guess perhaps I am looking at it from your mothers POV - pushing 50 myself. To invest so many years to be shoved aside and left to fend for ones self in a vulnerable position - I would hope my daughters were there to help......
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 6:34am
Be angry as you have a right to be and then get on with your life. Your father has made a huge mistake and will regret it soon enough. Your mother is about to blossom, you'll see. Life will be different that's for sure but different is not always a bad thing. If you could see ahead a year or so you would understand. Be there for your mom, she's going to need you. Be optimistic for her, take her shopping, get her a new haircut, make her feel good about herself. My husband left me for a younger woman who looked like a stripper even if she wasn't. Our kids were grown but hurt. I was a wreck. Five years later I can say that I got the better end of the stick. I feel and look better than I have in twenty years, have a wonderful relationship with my kids and a boyfriend who appreciates me. My ex is miserable, I am happy. You will be fine, so will your mom. Your father? He'll get to reap what he has sown.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 11:13am
i am glad to hear you r doing so well. my dad still wants to be business partners with my mom, and per the divorce decree, she will be taking care of the finances...still doing all of his work for him...i am trying to get her to tell him no, he can't use her lke that, but she is confused. i am worried that he will manipulate her into signing and being bound to an agreement such as this. the way i see it, if she continues in any kind of relationship with him, she will circuitously be helping this new family of his....she has resolve and some strength when she talks to me, but after he manipulates her, she bends to his will. i am scared for her, i can't just sit back and watch her do this, i just don't know what else to do
I
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 11:42am

Hi Loves,


I'm sorry your parents marriage appears to be coming to an end. It's difficult for children to comprehend this of their parents, no matter how old you are.


First, I'd encourage you to encourage your mother to seek solid legal advice ASAP. Any time there are assets and future earnings in the mix it is very, very wise to hire an attorney to protect her interests. She may be operating under the assumption that despite the impending divorce that your father will still be fair with her. Unfortunately, divorce is too often a war and your mother would be very wise to NOT trust your Dad for anything at this point. She needs a lawyer. Help her find one.


Second, there's little you can do other than be supportive of your mother. It's an odd role reversal when we find ourselves being the parent in this picture. I understand your anger and despair with your father. He has made choices and unfortunately he wasn't thinking of anyone but himself.


As for your father wanting to keep this all a secret...he's in for a surprise. If his cronies don't already know everything they will soon enough and so will the public. There's no such thing as a private divorce/affair. He's only fooling himself.


Good luck to you and your mom.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 9:48pm

( she bends to his will. i am scared for her, i can't just sit back and watch her do this, i just don't know what else to do )

Seems like the women in this family have lost their chutzpah. Time to get some balls ladies, and a good attorney. If you mother can't seem to handle it ( I think you said she was disabled?) it's up to you. Make some phone calls and get her some protection and advice. By the way, I handled my ex's finances, paid his bills, balanced his checkbook etc. for a while after the divorce. It's ok to stay business partners if they can keep their personal life separate. However, some new corporate papers might be in order.