My son's wedding is next month and my soon-to-be-ex will be there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2012
My son's wedding is next month and my soon-to-be-ex will be there...
4
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 9:14pm
October 30, 2011 was my D-day... (my oldest daughter's birthday) I was served divorce papers on December 19, 2011 ( the week of Christmas) I was supposed to go to court last month but it was changed to the end of this month because HIS lawyer won't respond by sending discovery to my lawyer...so this court date very well could be moved to next month!!! Going through a divorce is hard enough BUT to have it lingering over my head at my son's wedding is like pouring salt in the wound...ouch!!! It looks like I will still be married then and even after all I have been through these past four months and one week I still have feelings for my spouse...it is hard to forget the "good times" of our almost 39 year marriage. I have already booked a single room for ME but am afraid I might end up being with him...will this bring me back to the beginning of the horrible roller-coaster ride I have been fighting through what seems like forever?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

Can you bring a friend for moral support?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2012
I will have both my daughters and both of my son- in-laws there. Does that help?
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

I'm sorry your husband is being so vindictive and difficult. How sad he chooses to end a 39-year marriage with such bitterness and anger. I have no doubt you feel very sad and rejected by him and everything that has occured.

That said, are you in therapy to help yourself cope with the divorce? Very often the person who is left has a much more difficult time because they are surprised by the other spouse's desire to leave. It's not a fun place to be and it's a very nasty emotional state to be in at any time. It's doubly hard when it's supposed to be a happy time.

My advice to you is this:

- Get the good advice of a counselor on how to let your STBX "own" his feelings and not REact to them on your son's wedding day. In other words, let his junk be his junk. If he wants to be a jerk, let him own it.

- Make up your mind now to be happy for your son on his day. Regardless of how your son feels about his father's decision, the fact his parents are divorcing will be on his mind on his wedding day. Do your best to make sure your son knows it's OK to be joyful and happy about his decision to marry. Don't use this occasion to "best" your STBX or make your son a pawn in a push-pull game between you and the STBX.

- Understand you won't be standing next to your STBX for family portraits as you would have if your marriage wasn't coming apart. I think it's really important for you to be OK with that reality on the day of the wedding so you are happy in the photos and your son doesn't go, "Oh, Mom looks really sad/mad/lost because Dad was divorcing her." Practice smiling in the mirror and get used to be "solo" in family photos. Don't expect your STBX to stand next you for the wedding photos like everything is OK. If he suggests that, politely decline. (He might be surprised you won't "play nice.")

- Your STBX's time of reckoning is coming. BOTH people in a divorce experience grief, regret, and must mourn the end of the marriage. Your STBX might be looking and feeling smug right now but he's in for some "buyers remorse" a lot sooner than he knows. His time of grief will arrive and that's a time when you need to be especially strong so you don't agree to take him back. That would only be temporary and he'd leave again.

Again, it is no picnic to be in your spot. However, you can survive and live to thrive! A great book I highly recommend is called: When Your Relationship Ends, by Bruce Fisher. It's a "roadmap" to breaking up and suriviving. Having made that mountain climb myself 15 years ago, I know its true that life will be wonderful again and you'll even be capable of loving again.For now, focus on being a happy Mother-of-the-groom and enjoy your son's day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2012
Thank you wisdomtooth2020...and I WILL practice my "smile"...I can do that for ME and my SON! I am seeing a psychologist since the 1st of February and she has been a great help to me in seeing what my marriage IS as opposed to what I thought it was!!! I seem to be detaching for my WH more every day so I can see that I am healing even though my heart WAS shattered! There have been so many lies over the years and when the trust is gone...what do you really have? We spent our 38th anniversary together...that is the LAST time I saw him...8 months ago. I would e-mail, text, mail letters etc but was always replied to with "this is unfixable" ... I will order the book you suggested...I have looked for it but can't find it at the bookstores...but I have read everything that I can find including "NOT just friends" which I think I have read at least twice. I have a beautiful dress to wear as the MOG and I have lost over 30 pounds since D-day so I am ready to face the future and I WILL not let myself be DRUG back into the past...God Bless all of you going through this!