My sorry story

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
My sorry story
4
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 10:23am

Hi, all. I am freaking out right now and could use some support. I am a SAHM to 2 beautiful boys, and I have recently decided to divorce their father. I told STBX this weekend, but I am feeling incredibly guilty about it right now. I really need to hear that I'll get through this!

I decided to do this after realizing that I will never be happy with him. I have given it SO MANY chances, and it's just not going to work. It all started when I decided to go to law school. He was very supportive at the time, even though it meant we would have to leave Germany, where he was very happy and sucessful, and return to NYC, where I am from. I also got pregnant at about the same time. STBX HATED living in NYC, and became very depressed. His industry was also in a serious recession, and he was terrified of being laid off. We ended up living with my parents for 2 years, which made matters much worse.

STBX started smoking pot ALL THE TIME, to the extent that it triggered a psychotic episode. After he was released from the hospital, he continued to smoke pot and returned to the hospital after less than 2 weeks. Did I give up? NO. He promised to stay clean and I forgave him.

Soon after, he got a job offer from someone he knew in Germany. He decided to take it because it would get hm out of NY, it was much more money, and it allowed him to transition to a different industry. I thought about it, packed up my baby and went with him. I hated going back, and I had to quit law school to go, but I wanted to save the marriage.

After one year, things seemed to be working out. I hated living in Germany, but he was doing well, our son was flourishing, and I thought we would be ok. We were only supposed to stay 1 year, but his contract was extended for 6 mos. STBX asked me to go on vacation to the Carribean to celebrate our anniversary. I was ecstatic and agreed. No sooner had we landed than he bought some marijuana. He was stoned the entire time. I begged, pleaded, threatened and then finally left. I went home to my parents.

We got some marriage counselling by phone (him in Germany and me in NY), and I agreed to give it one more try for our son. Long story short, I ended up pregnant. It was an awful pregnancy. I was exhausted, depressed and overwhelmed trying to deal with our 2-year-old. I had no one here but him to turn to for help. He responded by staying out 2-3 nights per week on "business", working late other nights, and generally avoiding the whole mess. He didn't do a thing to get ready for the baby - I put the crib together at nine months pregnant. He promised me the whole time that when the baby came, he would be home every night by 6:30, no more dinner "meetings", etc.

Of course, that hasn't happened. I am just so tired of arguing, screaming, begging him to hear me. I am just done. I don't want my kids to grow up in a home full of anger. I don't want them to thing screaming matches, lies and manipulation are the normal ways in which families interact. Our marriage is just like his parents' marriage; I don't want that for my kids.

If you are still reading, thank you! It was really helpful just to get his all out.

Rebecca

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 1:19pm

huge hugs!! what a brave woman you are! its really not easy to walk away from a bad marriage, its especialy not easy when you have two babies to deal with. I am glad you found us (not glad for your circumstances, but glad that you found the support you need). Don't feel guilty about wanting a divorce - you definately need to establish a safe and stable (and drug-free!!) environment for your children. you WILL get thru this - not only will you get thru this , but you will emerge a stronger and healthier woman and mother at the other end. it isn't going to be easy, but you will make it. we all are/did.

hang in there

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 3:16pm

Hi Rebecca -


I think that you've given this enough chances that you know that your next step is leaving him... and you can make that decision with confidence.


I was surprised at how much better I felt after I KNEW that I was totally responsible.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 9:36pm

Hi Anne,

You're living with a drug addict (this you know.) So, his ability to think about anyone other than himself is non-existent. He's just worried about getting his next fix.

Have you contacted Narcotics Anonymous? If not, do so. You can Google them to find a local chapter. This is a support group for addicts and family of addicts who are addicted to drugs. You'll find help and support there from others who've lived with this type of problem. You'll also discover how you're not responsible for his behavior and how to stop supporting his habit in ways you may not know.

I'd also advise you to get good legal advice, if possible. You'll need to know your rights and responsibilities if you decide to proceed with a divorce. Take inventory of your financial obligations (bank accounts, credit cards, loans, etc.), and make a list of questions for a lawyer. Make good use of the time you have with that person. Perhaps you can separate for a time so you can get some breathing space.

Good luck,
wisdomtooth

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 6:04am

Thank you all so much for your kind words! I have read your posts all several times and am taking great comfort from your support.

I have told STBX that I am divorcing him, and he isn't taking it very well. He confessed last night that he has been smoking marijuana again (after being clean for 1 year+). He seems to be showing signs of an impending breakdown. I am going to try to get him to go to the psychiatrist, but I doubt he will. I hope he can hold off at least until I am able to leave. It will be ugly, and I don't want my kids to have to witness it.

Other than that, he has been acting super-nice, like always when he is trying to smooth things over. He actually offered to hold the baby while I showered this morning - this is brobably the first time since the baby was born six months ago that I ahven't had to ask (often repeatedly)! Don't worry, I am not fooled. We've been down that road before.

I have been in touch with a lawyer, and am trying to get the legal stuff rolling. Does anyone know how long it generally takes from when you contact a lawyer until things start happening? We have emailed back and forth several times, and in my email today I suggested an appointment, but she is travelling the rest of the week and will be out of touch. I am really impatient to get started...