"My visitation is over"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
"My visitation is over"...
23
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 9:08pm

Tonight my STBX came over for a visit with our daughter and as usual we ended up in a discussion that ticked him off. As soon as the clock hit 10pm he said, "well my visitation is over" and left.

He makes me feel like I'm forcing him to visit our daughter. I can't imagine ever saying those words. I would want to be making excuses to spend more time with her even if she was sleeping. I'd be doing her laundry or something!

He is in such a hurry to get us moved out so he can get away from me...he doesn't see how this is getting away from our daughter too. He says he'll see her as much as he can...and is at peace with this.

Maybe I'm being irrational but to me it seems like he's rushing to get to his new life as a bachelor. He got really upset tonight when I asked him about our daughter living with him for a bit while I got on my feet (I have to get a job, home, etc.)...he tried to make it out like I was terrible for mentioning it...yet he got upset because I mentioned it.

Does that make sense?!

Things can only get better and once I get moved in to my own apartment things will be a lot better.

I'm also sick of him acting like he's doing me some big favor by paying support!

Thanks for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 8:08am

This is why it's SO important to outline custody in your separation agreement. Did he tell you what seeing your daughter "as much as he can" means? Is that once a week? Once a month? When he has time? And how are you supposed to move on with your life if there is no consistent schedule for his comings and goings? He may be anxious to get away from you, but he still has an obligation to his child...not when where he just shows up if he feels like it.


As for complaining about paying support...I got that one from my STBX a few weeks ago, too. And oooo....I almost went into a rage. To try and be nice, I agreed to have him pay $200.00 a month less than the court mandated. AND, I have not asked him for a single cent toward DS's activities or medical expenses. But he still acts like I'm taking him for everything he's worth. It makes me steam!! I know...the best thing to do is ignore the comments...right?


Remember, you are entitled to have a life, too. He does not get to call all the shots.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 2:10pm
Be careful not to make yourself a doormat. Stand up for you and your child. Becides there are people that can help you do everything by yourself. Good luck and keep in mind you are a strong person. It comes through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 7:39pm

I tell you what, some of these men just all sound exactly alike!!!!! My STBX was/is the same way!!!!! When we first separated he was okay about seeing the kids....for about two weeks! Then it was all about him and his wonderful little single life. That was all he cared about! And don't EVEN get me started on the child support comments!! I once talked to him, very calmly about why I was feeling resentful of him. He was going off on vacations with The Skank, spending time with his buddies, just had all the free time in the world while I was working 2 jobs, in school full-time and had all three boys full-time (still doing all of the above!). He actually told me that he was 'Paying for his freedom' !!!!! Are you KIDDING ME????!! Oh, and when I would mention the fact that it seemed as though work came before the boys (he thinks the place will fall to pieces without him) he said, "Well, somebody has to pay YOUR rent!" I told him, "No, you are helping pay for the boys to have a place to live," he actually said back to me, "Oh, and you just happen to live there as well?!" HUH????? Okay, so what am I supposed to do, get an apartment across town??? They are 4, 2, and 8 months old!!!!! What a moron!


Oh, and I forgot to mention, at this point he was making around $4k/month (still is) but had NO living expenses other than his cell phone bill! He was living with The Skank and her daddy's credit card took care of EVERYTHING. This chick is 25-years-old and outside of working at STBX's store for about 2 weeks has NEVER had a job in her life! Yet, she has a brand new Nissan (approx. 30K) and a VERY nice apartment, all courtesy of daddy dearest! In fact, they just got back from a vacation where they flew up to Boston for St. Patrick's Day (and why would someone do that??? To get trashed!!!) and she paid almost all of it! What a dumb skank!!! LOL He refuses to set a schedule for visitation. We had started getting on one where he had the boys

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 9:25pm
I'm still not sure what his plans are. He's in the military and we'll be living about 8 hours away. I want to be flexible so that he can see our daughter when he can take leave or if for some reason he has special time off. I still feel like I'm forcing him to visit her. It's a terrible feeling. I feel so bad for my daughter!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 9:32pm

He did it again tonight. He was here at 5:30pm right after work and then at 10pm exactly he walked out. No hugs good bye for our daughter no "see you tomorrow" nothing. He just said, it's 10pm I'm leaving. Our daughter got upset that he was leaving and guess who had to pick up the pieces! ME! I lost my temper an yelled, "you're the most inconsiderate father I've ever met!". He doesn't care as long as he checks the "visitation" box and then gets back to his bachelor life on time.

How do I deal with him having this attitude? It's like visitation is just another chore on his list.

How frustrating. Thanks for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 9:51pm

Dear Justme,

As a dad, I can't imagine what in the hell your ex-husband is thinking. Just know that you are right and try and be the best parent you can. Your ex is wrong and is acting like a bastard. Not all men are like that. I am so sorry that you and your daughter have to deal with this.

Be strong.
Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 9:58pm
Thank you for your post. It helps me to feel like I'm not insane and that my STBX is a real loser.
I wonder if I should limit visitations or just let my daughter enjoy the time with him until we move. I get stressed out that he's "checking the visitation box" but my daughter (2) doesn't know the difference since he's always been this way.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:22pm

Justmee,

You are not insane and anyone who acts like your ex is behaving is acting like a loser. Still, as hard as it may be, unless your ex is behaving in a dangerous way around your daughter, I would suggest that you not limit his visits. If he is a decent person he may come to his senses and start behaving in a proper manner. If he is not, he will probably distance himself from you guys when he feels that it will not hurt him. At any rate, I think that you should try and give your daughter the chance to know both of her parents so long as that does not endanger her well being.

I wish you the best of luck.

Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 6:23am

I agree with Michael. It would not be a good idea to limit visitation, if nothing else it will just give him an excuse to be even more hostile towards you and a 'reason' not to see your dd at all. I was six months pregnant with Brody (now 8 months old) when STBX moved out. He was not at the hospital when Brody was born ( I didn't want him there anyway.....) and when he did finally show up the next day he only stayed for about 10 minutes and barely even held Brody. It's so sad b/c when our other two sons were born he cried and cried! He would hold them all of the time. Well, Brody doesn't know that his dad is anyone different from the men that work at the preschool/daycare he and his brothers attend. During my maternity leave he would make plans to come and see the baby but then show up hours late or just not show up at all. Even now I don't tell the boys when their father is supposed to be seeing them b/c who knows if he'll show up or not and I just can't handle the crying and anger anymore.


Yes, you are going to be stuck dealing with all of the tears, the anger and the heartache your daughter will experience as a result of your ex's idiotic behavior. However, as tempting as it may be to remind her that it's her father that is hurting her and not you (b/c she WILL be mad at you) don't bother. It will only lead to her resenting you and thinking her father is a victim here. Don't worry, if he keeps this up she will quickly form her own opinion of him. Someone told me that this would happen and I assumed that she meant it would be when they got older. Well, we've been separated for a year now and my oldest is only 4yo. He'll tell you really quickly EXACTLY what he thinks of his father and I make it a point never to say anything negative about the man in front of the kids OR allow anyone else to. Kids are much smarter and more perceptive than we give them credit for. Don't worry, your daugher will know who was there for her and who was not.


Oh, there was one other little bit of advice that proved to be very valuable to me: You are NOT responsible for the relationship between your DD and her dad. That is HIS problem. You cannot force someone to be a good dad, which I'm sure you already know, but, it still is hard to really grasp the idea that your ex is being such an awful father to this sweet, loving, innocent child. Just be the better person and the better parent. Right now it will really suck, but, as your daughter grows you'll see a huge payoff from it. *hugs*

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 8:17am
Sam - i just stole your Bush put-downs here

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