At my wits end
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| Thu, 03-22-2007 - 12:55pm |
Hi all
I am at one of my all time lows and very depressed. I have not been sleeping or eating well over all this. I do not feel comfortable talking with any of my family, friends about this and really need some advice.
My name is Jill and I am 40, married for 8 yrs and have a beautiful 15 month old daughter. My marriage has been getting worse and worse for years. Both my husband and I have been trying to change to make things better but it just seems it goes back to the same crappy behaviors ect... I tried last summer to see a professional counselor but she belittled me and made me feel like all the issues were my fault. So I have no intention of finding another one. I feel guilty about some of the feelings I have and I wonder if I am the only one. My main problem (and one of his) with the marriage is sex. My husband gained ~75+LBS a couple years after we got married. I have not wanted to have sex with him since then. I have been told by friends that if you love the person you should be able to look past the weight. But I cannot. At this point I do not think I could ever desire my husband again even if he did lose the weight. I am so turned off by him. He has tried to diet but has been unable to lose any weight. I think I am a very healthy 40 yr old and I try hard to keep myself in shape and try to wear nice clothes, makeup, nice hair ect... I do care about him but I want more from a marriage including sex with a man that I desire and maybe even a bit of jealousy is good. Am I such a horrible woman to want this?
My husband does not want a divorce we have fought over all the issues many times and have discussed divorce. He thinks we can work it out. He does not want to be a single father. I feel totally guilty about this. He is a great dad to our daughter.
Another related issue for me is if I do file for divorce where will my daughter and I live. My single mother does live close but she is VERY controlling and demanding. I could not bear to live with her for long. I do work full time and we do own a home. There might be 25K from the house if it was sold. Thats such a small amount. I am so scared about this. All these HUGE changes its totally overwhelming. I do not even know where to start or what I should do at this point.
Any comments, ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks, Jill
ivy369jc@yahoo.com

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There are times when people simply grow apart. Has it began since the baby was born? Are you turned off by him, or sex period right now? I noticed that you guys waited several years to have a baby. Have you noticed more of the changes since the baby was born or was it there before hand?
It seems that you have thought alot about the future in the event that you do divorce. Noone can make you stay, But also, you guys shouldnt work on it for the babies sake. My parents did that. they were miserable and in turn so were we.
What ever you do, I hope that you can do it amicably with as little hurt as possible. good luck, keep us postes..huggzzz
There are alot more issues yes. We are struggling financially, my mother is intrusive in my marriage. And we are working on the issues. These problems started way before the baby.
I agree with you and think it is worse to grow up with parents who are unhappy and miserable. I will have to make my own decisions and I will take my time to try to make sure I do what is right for me and my daughter.
I don't think your marriage is beyond repair, but you have to *want* to fix it, and I think that's the first question you need to ask yourself.
First, let me say that one bad therapist does not mean they are all bad. Many people have to try several of them before they find the right fit. That doesn't mean finding someone who will tell you what you want to hear, but finding someone whose advice is helpful. I think you're shortchanging not only yourself but your daughter if you let one bad experience keep you from seeking help. If your daughter was sick and you didn't like the course of treatment her doctor suggested, would you just say forget it, she'll just have to stay sick? I doubt it. You'd find another doctor.
Second, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be physically attracted to your husband and have a healthy sex life. There must be something other than appearance that turns you off, though, since you said that even if he lost weight, you don't think you'd be attracted to him. So, I won't spend any time responding about the weight issue specifically, because as someone who has battled weight all my adult life, that issue alone is enormously complicated.
Personally, I think you owe it to your daughter to try to work things out. The best thing a mother can do for her child is to love the child's father. Your daughter deserves a stable home life, and she deserves to live with both her parents, not get shuttled back and forth between homes, and have a weekend daddy. There are times when it simply isn't possible to avoid that, but I don't think you've reached that point yet. Dr. Phil tells people they have to earn their way out of a marriage. That means you try every possible way to fix it, so that if you do come to the point where you decide to call it quits, you know that you left no stone unturned in an effort to find the answer that would preserve your marriage and keep your family together.
~Ghostwriter, M.A.
Tazzy, you said: "you guys shouldnt work on it for the babies sake. My parents did that. they were miserable and in turn so were we."
I have to disagree that they shouldn't "work on it for the baby's sake." I absolutely think they *should* work on it for the baby's sake. That's different than *staying* for the baby's sake. If they've exhausted all possibilities for working it out and determined that you're right, that they have simply grown apart, that's one thing, and in that case, I agree that they should not stay trapped in a miserable marriage. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't work on fixing what's broke. That's not what you meant, is it?
~Ghostwriter, M.A.
You're right that it's terrible for a child to grow up with parents who are unhappy and miserable. But that doesn't mean divorce will fix that. Happiness is a choice. Do you ever wonder how someone confined to a wheelchair can be happy? How someone who has lost both legs can be happy? How someone who has lost a child can be happy? Yet there are people who deal with all of those things every day (and worse, perhaps) who nevertheless are happy. Do you think they're just lucky, that the bluebird of happiness landed on their shoulder? Of course not. They're happy because they chose to be. I think the person you're most unhappy with is yourself. Only you know the answer to why. I do understand if you're no longer physically attracted to your husband, but there must be something more to him than his outward appearance. You didn't marry him just for that, did you? Also, I think you should consider that, at 15 months postpartum, you could definitely be suffering from depression. Maybe, instead of making an appointment with a lawyer, you should make an appointment for a physical.
The financial issues can definitely wreak havoc on a marriage. I know that from firsthand experience. I guess I'm not sure how divorce is going to solve that problem. It sounds like it's going to make it worse.
~Ghostwriter, M.A.
Good Morning Ghostwriter..Hope you are having a good one.
What I meant was that if you have worked and exhausted every other option, there is absolutley noway there can be a solution but divorce, then dont stay for the baby's sake. It is better to have 2 parents that can get along amicably (SP) from two households, show support to each other and their child, then to have to people in one household that rsent and show betterness towards one another.
Im a divorce survivor, and tried everything to make it work, me and him get along much better this way and the kids know that there are both of us here for them.
what I meant about my parents, was they were sooo bitter towards each other because they chose to stay together till we turned 18, they were miserable. I would have prefered they go their own ways years before hand, it would have saved some heart ache on my moms part.
I do apologize If I offended anyone or if anyone misunderstood my post.
Have a great day...
Tazzy, I agree with you. I took no offense. I suspected that's what you meant, and I just thought it was important to clarify.
From what Ivy wrote, this is not the case for her and her husband. She said she tried one counselor, didn't like her, and she won't see another one. Her husband doesn't want a divorce. They've got a little baby to consider, and I think it's entirely possible Ivy is suffering from post-partum depression. Just based on what she wrote, I think they have a lot of work to do before they get to the point of divorce. But once they've done that work, then I agree with you, staying for the sake of the child is probably never a good idea.
~Ghostwriter, M.A.
Wow, I think your last paragraph is a keeper -- how well said:
"Personally, I think you owe it to your daughter to try to work things out. The best thing a mother can do for her child is to love the child's father. Your daughter deserves a stable home life, and she deserves to live with both her parents, not get shuttled back and forth between homes, and have a weekend daddy. There are times when it simply isn't possible to avoid that, but I don't think you've reached that point yet. Dr. Phil tells people they have to earn their way out of a marriage. That means you try every possible way to fix it, so that if you do come to the point where you decide to call it quits, you know that you left no stone unturned in an effort to find the answer that would preserve your marriage and keep your family together."
That reflects the seriousness of the commitment in marriage and the seriousness of the obligation to one's children. So different from a pp who said "she's just trying to correct a mistake she made." Oh not that simple at all, especially with a child involved.
So thank you for putting it so well!
M
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