Nail In The Coffin
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Nail In The Coffin
| Mon, 09-25-2006 - 10:28am |
I shouldn't be surprised that my marriage has come to this point. Afterall 13 years ago when we met in our early twenties...he 3 yrs younger than me and in college...it was a constant battle to keep it together. For some reason I became a warrior for us and our future. Single mother and knew this man I loved had a bright future and I wanted to support him and be there for him. We courted for 7 years, on and off, and 2 1/2 yr engagement off and on also. Funny thing is each time we seperated I became liberated in some way. I was always searching for myself...my authentic self and time and time again...when he decided to come back and I took him. I went through mostly emotional abuse, but found that he was manipulative and controlling. Still he is a decent man...never cheated (that I know of) and he was smart (love intellectual men and I figured I could do worse. This was my future. I fought for it, for me and my little girl. Well, after marriage we moved, built a home and got pregnant. That's when things got worse. He couldn't be intimate with me for a year during pregnancy and after. He became disconnected and he was not a partner with me. During my preganancy was the first time I considered divorcing him and being better off alone. I prayed alot...during our courtship and this marriage. Everytime I asked the Lord to change him...make him humble and affectionate and more loving. Each time the Lord didn't change him, but changed me and made me stronger to endure. I did as a good christian wife should and loved him through it all. But just this past June, after years of neglect..taking me for granted something happened to me. My heart changed. I didn't not see my husband in the same light anymore...nor did I love him the same. That searching I did years ago has come back and I have a burning in my belly to live my life alone and raising my 2 girls..14yrs old and 2 yrs old. I haven't worked for several years, but will take classes so that I can support us. I am sadenned by these events because I never expected to feel this way. The stranger thing is now my husband wants to be everything I always wanted him to be and says that God is working in his life. Maybe he is...but now I am in a different place. Trying to make sure I make the right decision...I read and pray, but everytime I read something that tells me I should stick it out because we have only been married less than 5 years things will get better....I cry. I cry at the thought of working through this for months, years even at get to a better place. I am tired and worn out and have nothing else to give to this marriage. I strongly feel like this is my time....that chapter of my life is over, but it is hard comprehending that. On top of the emotional feelings...he tells me he would be destroyed if I leave. He cries...he begs....but all is again the manipulation and the loss of control over me. Even more disturbing...I caught an STD from my oldest daughters father...one that I can not get rid of. My husband has never been infected and I take treatment, but he makes me feel like noone will want me knowing this...he is the only one that would understand. In the next few months I will use this board as a place to come, and not only receive encouragement from you all, but hopefully encourage others through what is a traumatic time for us all.
Signatures On
| Mon, 09-25-2006 - 12:07pm |
If there is a good chance your husband will play his "withholding of affection" games with your 2 year old, I hope you get him out of the house. When my cheating husband left, I did wonder sometimes whether anyone would want me. But now find that my DD is much better off with a mother who gets her social interactions through friends, groups and family, rather than dating. My DD cannot afford to spare me the time... I cannot go get wrapped up in some guy right now. And that goes double if I have not been all the great, in the past, at finding men who are stable, loving, protective and generous (what DD needs).
