narcissistic husband
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| Thu, 12-29-2005 - 7:10am |
i should have ran before we had kids..but thought he really loved me.
now, instead (and this is a long story short...) our youngest is 7 weeks old. his family kisses the ground he walks on. he's sicilian. he never says he's sorry when he's wrong. and he knows it. he blames me for him not saying he's sorry.
he doesn't kiss, hold, hug or love me or fulfill me emotionally. i have begged and pleaded for this for years on end. i think its just comin to a head now that i need to realize he is selfish and always has some kind of issue with me hence me not being deserving of love and a healthy marriage. it's always my fault b/c i dont want to "know the truth" so he says.
for years when i initiated things, i got rejected. i never thought that i'd be in this position today so alone, so financially worthless and two kids to take care of. we live in a house he owns with his parents. no matter my contribution to our marriage, i was left off the papers and completely out of the process. i'm supposed to be grateful that they live in the apartment below us b/c my children (toddler esp who is very attached to his Nonno..who is also controlling too..whenever he is upset he closes you off..he heard me on the phone arguing with my husband and i knew my father in law heard the conversation b/c he ignored me for a good week..i told my husband this and was blown off) get constant contact with them since they are so close.
my husband never helps with anything around the house. he doesn't even pick up after his own self..
i'm tired of begging him for love and just to care about our relationship. he keeps saying things like when we argue, he can't bounce back that easily as i can..meanwhile..our whole argument is centered around wanting his love and affection..that's all i ever wanted..
i get the silent treatment from him..he can easily ignore..plus he can walk away from the house, i can't..i have no car, i'm stuck with the babies..he gets out of the house, he has the only car we have..
it's a painful situation and though my head WAS geared towards a better 2006, i see this is not possible. he is so selfish that he can't get over his own self in order to make our marriage happy. it keeps causing arguments bc/ of the fact that he thinks i should deal with his emotional abuse..isolation from him..
i'm such a loving person..he knows how passionate i am..i have begged cried..all to no avail..i regret that i ignored this earlier on...now i'm stuck, no money, no family nearby to help and basically on a team of my own b/c i'm only surrounded by his family and friends.
i dont even know how to move on in life. i have no means with which to do so and do not want to lose my children. his family has money and would be manipulative if push came to shove..i'm afraid of the ugly monsters they would turn into just to make their son look good when / if we divorce..
all i ever wanted was a happy marriage..i dont know who he's confiding in..its not me..he ignores me..

(((Hugs)))
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. It definatly sounds like your husband is mentally and emotionally abusive to you. My STBX-H was also narcississtic and abusive. I was in therapy for over a year before I finally had the confidence to leave him. The major motivating factor was my children. I had to realize that the longer I stayed, the worse it was for the kids. What was I teaching them? Did I want them to grow up to think that it's okay for someone to treat them this way, that they just have to tolerate it in silence? Did I want them to grow up to treat others the way their father treated me? Also, how could I be the best mother they could have if I was so unhappy and depressed all of the time? I had to be very honest with myself and realize that not only was he abusive towards me, but that at some point it became me abusing myself b/c I was staying and allowing him to treat me this way.
Since he is abusive towards you, try to get ahold of a women's shelter in your area. Tell them your situation. They have access to many resources that can help you get yourself and your children out of their and help you start a new life for your kids. Leaving was the HARDEST thing I ever had to do. I had become so dependant upon him. I had lost myself. I had no savings, nothing to get started on. I ended up staying in a shelter with my two boys (I was 5 months preggo with #3 at the time). The following months were also difficult. I've been under a tremendous amount of stress. I am currently working two jobs, I'm a full-time college student and I have the three boys full-time b/c their father would rather run around with some other woman than see them. I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life. But, you know what? I'M HAPPY!!! I've never been so happy in my life! Now, that's not to say that I don't have my bad days, I certainly do. I have those days when I think that it would have been easier to just put up with my STBX-H b/c I would have been financially stable and I knew exactly what to expect. Being with him was comfortable. It was all I knew. Stepping out of that was exciting and terrifying at the same time. Again, it was HARD!!!!! But, again, I'm happy! I had been so used to feeling low and depressed that when I was finally happy I was honestly worried that I was manic! LOL My therapist reassured me that I wasn't, I just wasn't used to being happy.
Again, keep in mind that there is ALWAYS a way. Your kids will not go hungry. Once you are out you can get assistance with your rental expenses, utilities, even help getting transportation. You should also qualify for food stamps and medicaid for yourself and your children.
I know you are concerned b/c your toddler is so attached to your in-laws. It is wonderful that he has a good relationship with them, however, what is being around them going to teach him? If your in-laws would stop being around your children b/c you left your abusive husband then they aren't people you want your kids around anyway. I would also be afraid of what the in-laws would be telling your kids about the situation. Even if you don't leave, what will your children hear them saying about you when you aren't around? What are they learning from these people? You are the only one that can protect these innocent children that have no way of protecting themselves. So, let's say that your in-laws DO cut off all contact with you and your children? So what? Is it the end of the world? Is it the WORST thing that could possibly happen? I'd say it be much worse for your kids to grow up in this environment of emotional and mental abuse.
I hope so much that you can get through this. Try to keep in mind that less than 1% of abusers ever change, and that's only if they work VERY hard to do so. Also, my STBX-H probably has Narccississtic Personalilty Disorder. From the professionals I've spoken to, I've found that people with NPD very rarely change. Again, this is only if they really want to change. But, why would they? They think their way of doing things is the only right way, why change it?
Please know that I will be thinking of you and please keep us updated as to what happens! *hugs*
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
hi samantha
its not that easy. i have nothing witout him. just our children. his parents are too attached at my husbands hip and all about family - so even if i could go live a separate life, they would never allow it or want to lose contact with their grandkids. not that i'd allow it, i'd be nice about it. my children are named after his parents. that's how narcissistic he is , and here i thought he would appreciate how much i cared about him to name them after his parents.
if i ran off to a shelter, he'd get custody and i'd be the one in the shelter..i dont know how to get away from this emotional abuse without losing my kids...
i have no means of transportation, the only car we have he monopolizes. his job is sitting at a desk all day yet he acts tired and exhausted and self serving. i wouldnt mind being the servant if he appreciated me and showed caring toward me. he really enjoys, i think, hurting me and making me feel isolated and alone.
whats worse is he made female friends thru a motley crue board - and the women friends he made - i feel he is talking to them about us - not me. some have sent holiday cards to him. i put 2 & 2 together...he stopped talking to me - and lately even treating me worse..with a 7 week old i get no rest or sleep..he says the house is a mess, etc..all these horrible things..meanwhile no appreciation. i feel like these friendships he made, they are building him up to all these false expectations from where they are..and he's putting all the fault of what he isn't putting into our relationship - in my hands..i'm to blame. he's flat out told me he doesn't care..
i feel very alone..
Lari,
Don't give up hope. I was with a violent and abusive narcissist person for 5 long years. You may lose your material advantages (house, home, car, etc)temporarily until all is settled but you WON'T lose your kids. They belong with their mother at that young age and what makes you think he would have any right to them over you??
Talk to a shelter. Ask them for advice and what your rights are. Pack up those kids, TAKE the car and find a safe place like a shelter. Find a time when he's at his parents and make it quick. You can work out all the details LATER. For now, if you're certain you no longer want to be emotionally neglected and abused by this man, stop being a victim and do something about it before you become too emotionally crippled.
Sweetie, I know it's not easy. That's why I said several times in my post that it is HARD.
If you ask nearly any woman that has gotten out of a relationship like this, she will tell you that she had NOTHING to start over with and she was afraid of losing her children. While we're still in the relationship getting out seems next to impossible. But it's NOT. The reason we think this is b/c the abusers in our lives have us convinced that we cannot live without them, that we need them and can't survive on our own. And I really don't see any reason that you would lose your children. I don't know if you've posted on the Domestic Abuse board yet, but I've been posting there for over a year now. I cannot think of ONE single woman over there that has lost her children. Going to a shelter will not make you appear to be a bad mother. In fact, it will make you look like a good mother since so many women choose to stay with their abusive husband regardless of the effect on the children. You'll be seen as a woman trying to do what is best for her children. Plus, women's shelters have advocates that will go to court with you and sometimes even access to lawyers that will help you for free! The only way to 'take' a child from a parent is to prove that parent as unfit, which is nearly impossible to do. He'd have to have some hard core evidence that you were abusing or neglecting your kids or that you were putting them in harm's way. So, unless you are abusing your kids or cooking meth in your kitchen you're probably pretty safe there. ANY judge would be very hesitant to take kids away from their mother, ESPECIALLY at such a young age, I just don't see it happening.
When I left my STBX-H I had two sons, a 3-year-old (now 4) and a 20-month-old (now 2.5) and I was pregnant with little boy #3 (now six months old). I had hyperemesis with my pregnancy, meaning I was throwing up 15-20 times per day. I had NO money at all. All I had were the clothes that I took with us when we walked out the door. We left on an afternoon when STBX-H was at work. The shelters have counselors that will help you. They don't just say, "You've got 30 days to get on your feet and leave." They HELP you. They help you make a plan and set goals and will stay with you as long as you need them.
Believe me, I understand what you are thinking right now. I was there too! I thought there was no way in hell I could ever get out. I had nothing and he would end up with my kids. As long as I was with him I was financially comfortable. We were about to start building a house. We'd already ordered all the appliances, picked out the cabinets, floors and tile. The land was being cleared. All we had left to do was the closing. His parents gave us the downpayment for the house. Not only that, but that very weekend we were planning on getting a new SUV for me. It too was already picked out. A fully-loaded new Chevy Tahoe. It even had a DVD player for the kids. He works for a large retail company and will be in upper management before long. His entire family has retired from this company at a young age with millions of dollars. His own father retired at 48 and now is going to
Oh I am so feeling this story right now! I was in almost in the same boat as you and my Husband is being an animal to me. I am one step ahead of you. Here is what I did. I told my Husband back in September I did not love him anymore. And he then moved in with his Mom and Dad. Who coddle him and think he does no worng. (He was extremly emotionally and verbally abusive to me.) We have two girls ages 3 and 16 mos. He would freak out in front of them and call me names. Take my cell phone and not let me call people to get help, spit in my face, close down my bank account while I was out, track me on the wells fargo banking, it was just a nightmare. So NOW, since we had a JOINT bankruptcy in July, I am living in the apt. I cannot move because I have no job and a new bankruptcy. And he has been giving me very little money, $360 a month. But you know what, it is better then being with him! He still tortures me when I drop the kids off and his parents aren't the friendliest. But what I wanted to say to you is...well, you sound alot like me. I did not want to go to a shelter and I was worried he would take the Kid's. He got a fancy lawyer for $5,000 and was seeking FULL custody, he was saying I was a druggie/Alcoholic, total lies because he did not want me to leave or have the kids. I am not. I have no friends or family to help me. And I have been a stay-at-home-mom for 3.5 years. But I managed to break down and begged my Dad to get me a lawyer. She is not the best but it helped me a little. I got Joint custody right away. Our big court date is next week. She is asking him for $1,400 Suspsal support and the child support is figured out then. But I know how you feel even the car is in my ex's name. And I am learning to be "not as nice." I think the shelter sounds like a good idea. And the reason I say this to you is because I believe in my whole heart he will NOT be able to get your Kid's. esp since they are so young. Do not give a DAMN what your in-laws think and just fight like hell for those kid's. The reason I left my Husband is because I did not want my girls to pick men like him when they get older. They learn from example. I am even thinking of just getting a part-time job at Long's Drugs or anything to help me out. I even went to WIC to get food coupons. And before my life was different. I did have nice things and got comfortable, the security is nice. But what I have to learn now is how to give myself security and not rely on a man. You can do so much. You could go to school duing the day and put the kids in the on-campus daycare. I live in California, in San Jose, and the daycare is 10 dollars per kid at College. And if you make under $2800 a month you quailfy for soooo many grants and you can also get student loans. I am trying to look at it from a positive spin. You will go through about a year of hell but you will be so happy in the end. If my Dad would not of helped me with the lawyer, I would of for sure went to the shelter. Now I am trying like hell to get an apt even though he wants a set of keys and his name on the lease. My ex wants to know everything about my life, but he is not willing to watch the kids for an hour so I can go on a job interview. Another idea is you can ask the church if they have someone to watch your kids so you can go look for a job. Even if you don't belong to one. They are usually decent and always there to help. Well, please let us know how you are doing and your thoughts!!!!!!
Hugs!!!!
Erika
Samantha...holy cow. I don't even know what to say. Thank you for sharing the specifics of your story. What you did is sincerely inspiring. It must have taken amazing strength...UNBELIEVEABLE strength to walk away from a life of financial comfort into the COMPLETE unknown.
I think the majority of women stay in miserable, unhappy, abusive marriages because they are afraid they will loose their children. I was never abused in my marriage, but I stayed MANY years longer than I should have because I was terrified I would end up living in a horrible neighborhood, unable to properly provide for him (even though I have a decent job, I live in an INSANELY expensive area of CT).
Your story shows that you CAN survive seemingly impossible situations. You should be so proud of yourself.