need advice with 16 year old dd and stbx

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
need advice with 16 year old dd and stbx
5
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 11:57am
Well here we go again the weather is nice and stbx has made riding his harley and going on bike trips more of a priority than his dd.I cant believe he is doing this again after last summer.stbx and I seperated last year at this time and he had nothing to do with dd. I told him he better start spending some time with her because she felt like he wanted nothing to do with her which in my opinion is the truth but I would never tell her that.I know she feels like he wants nothing to do with her and her self esteem is very low she is depressed and her grades are suffering.Anyway she started spending every other weekend with him back in november of course he was ok with that as long as it was convenient for him but now the weather is nice and he is blowing her off already.He texted her monday night and wanted her to come over because he wasnt going to be able to spend the weekend with her.Ok here is where my problem begins.dd daughter comes down to tell me how he wanted her to come over but she told him no because she had way to much homework which is true everynight of the week during the school year.When she came and told me about him not being able to spend the weekend with her she said it was because he had to go out of town for work and I knew in my gut that one of them was lying.Well I looked at the text messages on the cell and found out she was lying to me that he had told her that he was going on a bike trip with people from work.I work with a girl that is friends with one of his coworkers so I told dd that she told me that they were going on a bike trip and that I didnt believe that her dad was really working.I asked her again if he told her he had to work thinking this would give her a chance to tell me the truth and she lied again and said he told her he had to work.It makes me sick that he is treating her this way and that she is lying to cover up for him because she knows that it is going to upset me.I still havent said anything to her about knowing that she is lying but of course when I brought it up that I had talked to the coworker and said that I didnt think he was really working this weekend she blew up at me and said that I was trying to keep her from seeing her dad which isnt true at all and that she was happy that he even wanted to see her during the week which isnt true because she asked me why she was in a good mood and then when she talked to him she got depressed.I told her that I wasnt trying to keep her from him but that school and her grades have got to be her main focus right now and that it wont be this way in the summer.It is just killing me that he is treating her like this and I cant understand why she is taking all her anger out on me.I have talked to her about how I think that she should get some counseling but she says she doesnt want to talk and I dont want to spend a $100 an hour if she isnt going to say anything.He didnt get ahold of her last night and tonight we have church where she plays guitar for service and tomorrow she has a church meeting that is very important for her to attend so my question is if he wants her to do something one of those nights should I let her or make her stick to her respondsibilities I think the later but that is just my opinion and I know I will hear how im trying to keep her from him.I know that part of my problem is that if she doesnt stand up to him and tell him how she feels or if she keeps grabing at every little string he dangles at her to spend time with him when it is convenient for him he is just going to keep doing it and she is never going to be able to get over this and neither am I because this is just killing me to see what this is doing to her she is a totally different kid since this has happened.When I told her that she needs to tell him how she feels she said she is afraid to because then he wont want to spend anytime with her and if I say anything to make him mad she gets mad at me and says great now he will treat me like crap when im with him.Please help I dont know what to do and any advise would be greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 12:11pm


As an alternative, you might want to try contacting the school psychologist or social worker. Maybe they could work in a few sessions with your DD. I know that if I didn't have my $15.00 copay for sessions for DS, I'd be in serious trouble! If her self esteem is slipping, she feels depressed, and her grades are dropping, it really does sound like she needs to talk to someone. A lot of kids are intimidated by what they think counseling will be like. My son had this idea that he's be laying on the couch and Freud would be talking to him ;) Now, he loves his counseling sessions.



I'd say if he wants to see her....sure! But PART of seeing her is bringing her too and from her obligations. That's part of being a dad, too. Let us know what you decide.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 12:28pm

Hi There-

I also have a DD (16) and a DS (12). The visitation provision of our divorce decree states their father has visitation every other weekend. This rarely happens because my ex travels internationally for work so he is often gone for 2-3 weeks at a time. In the beginning I was very flexible about him seeing the kids when it really wasn’t his time. However, I re-married last summer and my new husband has 2 young children who visit him every other weekend. Since this is our “new” family, I think it is very important for the kids all to be together on the same weekend. So, I sent my ex a calendar with his weekends marked off. Of course, he was angry because I was making him miss his weekends when he was traveling. Too bad, it is his choice to have the job he has.

Also, when we first separated, my ex told the kids he would never force them to visit him. I knew THAT would not work. Now, every time the kids can’t make it for the weekend because they have other plans (mostly my DD with her friends) he gives them attitude. Yet, he shipped them to his family in Arkansas last summer for his 2 weeks of vacation with them while he went to South Africa to be with his new wife! It is all about his convenience. My daughter sees right through all of his BS.

Your daughter sounds like she is suffering from teenage angst. The divorce does not make the situation any easier. You mentioned she is involved in your church. Does your church have a youth group she could join? My DD has been going to a youth group with one of her friends for about 6 months now. The people in charge really seem to connect with the kids. It is not really even our religion (not that we are religious!), but she is accepted just the same. I would let you daughter decide if she wants to see her father or not. I am sure she is smart enough to see through his manipulation.

Good luck to you and your daughter!

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 1:14pm
The problem is I have let them spend time together whenever he wants because of her age and havent had a schedule so he will text her 5 minutes before she is getting ready to walk out the door and want her to come over.She can drive and has her own car which I cover all expenses so he doesnt even have to be responsible for picking her up or dropping her off anywhere which is good for me because then I dont have to see him.Church is until 7:30 and then as usual she will have lots of homework and she cant do it over there because she doesnt feel comfortable asking them if she can plug her laptop into their internet.Maybe im crazy but that is very sad to me and also tells me how uncomfortable she is around her dad and gf.I cant stand to think about how she feels like she is walking on eggshells to try and keep everyone happy there is no reason she should have that kind of weight on her shoulders she is a 16 year old and should be having the time of her life not worrying about keeping her parents happy.After saying that I dont care if it costs a $100 I know she needs some counseling and I agree with you that I think when she gets there it wont be like what she is expecting and hopefully she will open up and get her feelings out.I know she cant do that with me or her dad because she is afraid she will say something to upset us.I wish that stbx and I could be civil to each other but that just isnt possible at this time and that is why I thought with her being able to drive and talk to him on her own this would be easier but I know she still feels the hatred between us.I know that im to blame because I have to watch what I say about him even when im talking to friends on the phone because she could hear but I get angry and have issues controlling it.I havent went to counseling for a few months and I know that I need to get back because my anger issues have really been showing the last few days.dd and I have both been under a lot of stress trying to decide if we should sell the house and move and its the end of the school year and she just finished act tests and is under alot of stress with next year being her senior year and thinking about college.I know that it sounds like im bashing him but another thing with her having other obligations is that he doesnt even know because he never talks to her to see what is going on in her life.He has her everyother weekend and he never contacts her during the week to see what is going on with her or anything and when she is with him on the weekend he is out in the garage working on his bike or doing something around the house and she is sitting staring at the tv or doing her homework.He doesnt even spend time with her or talk to her when she is with him and it has only gotten worse since him and gf are living together.Im sorry this has turned into another post sorry for ranting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 1:34pm
You are right I just have to let it go and let her decide on her own whether she wants to spend time with him or not but I still have to think about her grades and school work but like I said hopefully that will get easier in the summer.We do belong to a church and she does go to youth group on sunday nights when she can.Our church is small and none of the kids in the group have parents that are divorced but she has grown up with these kids so that helps.She also has a friend whose parents are divorced and she talks to him alot.She is just so angry at the world and says she doesnt care about anything especially school and her grades.I know that she is smart enough to see what he is doing and that is what is killing both of us that he could treat his own child that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 2:08pm

Would it help to have your daughter talk to another girl her own age who has been there? Maybe it would help her to vent. If you want to e-mail me through my profile maybe we could set something up(i.e. e-mailing each other).

Karen