need advice with 16 year old dd and stbx
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need advice with 16 year old dd and stbx
| Wed, 05-17-2006 - 11:57am |
Well here we go again the weather is nice and stbx has made riding his harley and going on bike trips more of a priority than his dd.I cant believe he is doing this again after last summer.stbx and I seperated last year at this time and he had nothing to do with dd. I told him he better start spending some time with her because she felt like he wanted nothing to do with her which in my opinion is the truth but I would never tell her that.I know she feels like he wants nothing to do with her and her self esteem is very low she is depressed and her grades are suffering.Anyway she started spending every other weekend with him back in november of course he was ok with that as long as it was convenient for him but now the weather is nice and he is blowing her off already.He texted her monday night and wanted her to come over because he wasnt going to be able to spend the weekend with her.Ok here is where my problem begins.dd daughter comes down to tell me how he wanted her to come over but she told him no because she had way to much homework which is true everynight of the week during the school year.When she came and told me about him not being able to spend the weekend with her she said it was because he had to go out of town for work and I knew in my gut that one of them was lying.Well I looked at the text messages on the cell and found out she was lying to me that he had told her that he was going on a bike trip with people from work.I work with a girl that is friends with one of his coworkers so I told dd that she told me that they were going on a bike trip and that I didnt believe that her dad was really working.I asked her again if he told her he had to work thinking this would give her a chance to tell me the truth and she lied again and said he told her he had to work.It makes me sick that he is treating her this way and that she is lying to cover up for him because she knows that it is going to upset me.I still havent said anything to her about knowing that she is lying but of course when I brought it up that I had talked to the coworker and said that I didnt think he was really working this weekend she blew up at me and said that I was trying to keep her from seeing her dad which isnt true at all and that she was happy that he even wanted to see her during the week which isnt true because she asked me why she was in a good mood and then when she talked to him she got depressed.I told her that I wasnt trying to keep her from him but that school and her grades have got to be her main focus right now and that it wont be this way in the summer.It is just killing me that he is treating her like this and I cant understand why she is taking all her anger out on me.I have talked to her about how I think that she should get some counseling but she says she doesnt want to talk and I dont want to spend a $100 an hour if she isnt going to say anything.He didnt get ahold of her last night and tonight we have church where she plays guitar for service and tomorrow she has a church meeting that is very important for her to attend so my question is if he wants her to do something one of those nights should I let her or make her stick to her respondsibilities I think the later but that is just my opinion and I know I will hear how im trying to keep her from him.I know that part of my problem is that if she doesnt stand up to him and tell him how she feels or if she keeps grabing at every little string he dangles at her to spend time with him when it is convenient for him he is just going to keep doing it and she is never going to be able to get over this and neither am I because this is just killing me to see what this is doing to her she is a totally different kid since this has happened.When I told her that she needs to tell him how she feels she said she is afraid to because then he wont want to spend anytime with her and if I say anything to make him mad she gets mad at me and says great now he will treat me like crap when im with him.Please help I dont know what to do and any advise would be greatly appreciated.

As an alternative, you might want to try contacting the school psychologist or social worker. Maybe they could work in a few sessions with your DD. I know that if I didn't have my $15.00 copay for sessions for DS, I'd be in serious trouble! If her self esteem is slipping, she feels depressed, and her grades are dropping, it really does sound like she needs to talk to someone. A lot of kids are intimidated by what they think counseling will be like. My son had this idea that he's be laying on the couch and Freud would be talking to him ;) Now, he loves his counseling sessions.
I'd say if he wants to see her....sure! But PART of seeing her is bringing her too and from her obligations. That's part of being a dad, too. Let us know what you decide.
Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....
Hi There-
I also have a DD (16) and a DS (12). The visitation provision of our divorce decree states their father has visitation every other weekend. This rarely happens because my ex travels internationally for work so he is often gone for 2-3 weeks at a time. In the beginning I was very flexible about him seeing the kids when it really wasn’t his time. However, I re-married last summer and my new husband has 2 young children who visit him every other weekend. Since this is our “new” family, I think it is very important for the kids all to be together on the same weekend. So, I sent my ex a calendar with his weekends marked off. Of course, he was angry because I was making him miss his weekends when he was traveling. Too bad, it is his choice to have the job he has.
Also, when we first separated, my ex told the kids he would never force them to visit him. I knew THAT would not work. Now, every time the kids can’t make it for the weekend because they have other plans (mostly my DD with her friends) he gives them attitude. Yet, he shipped them to his family in Arkansas last summer for his 2 weeks of vacation with them while he went to South Africa to be with his new wife! It is all about his convenience. My daughter sees right through all of his BS.
Your daughter sounds like she is suffering from teenage angst. The divorce does not make the situation any easier. You mentioned she is involved in your church. Does your church have a youth group she could join? My DD has been going to a youth group with one of her friends for about 6 months now. The people in charge really seem to connect with the kids. It is not really even our religion (not that we are religious!), but she is accepted just the same. I would let you daughter decide if she wants to see her father or not. I am sure she is smart enough to see through his manipulation.
Good luck to you and your daughter!
Karen
Would it help to have your daughter talk to another girl her own age who has been there? Maybe it would help her to vent. If you want to e-mail me through my profile maybe we could set something up(i.e. e-mailing each other).
Karen