Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Need advice
10
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 7:53am

I don't know if this is the right place, but I need some advice. I am a 28 y/o SAHM w/ 3 kids (ages 7,4 1/2, and 2 1/2). About 6 weeks ago, my husband moved out (it was mutual, although he claims I wanted him to leave). We had alot of problems, we are both at fault. We each contributed to our marriage getting to this point. I wasn't the best housekeeper or wife, and he wasn't the best husband. He would complain because the house was a mess or dinner wasn't ready on time, and I am trying to fix those things. He has been staying with friends and we are trying marriage counseling, but we still fight. I messed up our finances and we are behind on both our car payments and credit cards, but he refuses to "fix my mess". So, besides letting our credit be completely ruined and both cars possibly being repoed, he paid the rent and utilities and said that I am responsible for half March 1 on. He says things like once I get a job, then he will start trying to fix things as much as I am. He does give me money for groceries. Some days he is nice and asks me if I need money for gas or whatever and we get along great, but most of the time we are fighting. He cusses at me and this morning told me to get out of his house. Both of our names are on the lease, so I said he can't make me leave, so he said I'll have to leave when they evict me because he didn't pay the rent. He also said if the cars get repoed, he is done with me. He has a 4wheeler and a mustang he refuses to sell to help fix things. I am trying to sell the cars (at least one) and am looking for a job, but he says I am dragging my feet. This morning he said he feels nothing toward me when we talk, then he said he feels hate toward me for how his life turned out. I have been avoiding going through the legal system to get child support, alimony, and custody because I am afraid it will make things worse. But now I am afraid he will try to not pay anything at all. He also threatened to get custody of the kids. He works 12 - 18 days, leaving at 4 am, not getting home until 6 - 8 pm or later. I don't think a judge would award him sole custody, but am i wrong? My sister thinks I am being too nice, is she right? My husband has anger issues, has for a while, so I am afriad of him when he gets mad. Should i go through the court to make sure he can't take my kids and make sure he pays? Or should I try to work things out with him on my own? I was really trying to avoid divorce, but is it really worth it? His mom thinks our problems are minor and we should stay together for the kids at least and then work on our problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: dansamb3
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 10:56am

Let me see... you've got 3 kids.... 2 who aren't school aged.... he complains that the house is a mess and dinner isn't ready, but he wants you to get a job???


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
In reply to: dansamb3
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 2:05pm

I agree with wildlucky, get to an attorney asap and learn what your rights are.

I also suggest you check out the dealing with domestic abuse board. Something in your post made me think you might gain some insight over there.

Good luck and lots of hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
In reply to: dansamb3
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 3:12pm

Oh you sound so much like me, I too am a SAHM with 3 kids (10,7,and 3). My husband has also done the same things you are talking about. I to wanted to make my marriage work , why I am not sure but that is what you are supposed to do right? My h is also verbally abusive, says I am an awful mother when the house isnt clean etc. I also have money issues, my only salvation is that he doesnt want to mess up his credit so he has been paying the bills. He did take me off the bank account but has given me cash I think two times. We have a pattern of splitting up and getting back together. He left me while I was PG with baby 3, again in August of the past year, and again in January. I am so tired of it. My oldest told the school counselor that this has been going on her whole life. So I picked myself up , got a lawyer, told him what I wanted money wise and we are going forward. I love my husband so much and I really wanted this marriage to work out but I have finally realized that until he is happy with himself, he is never going to be happy with me. The ball is now in his court and I am waiting for him to get his lawyer to draw up the papers so I can take them to my lawyer (this way I wont have to pay for the divorce). I know how scary this is for you. I am lucky because I do have a great extended family who is so helpful. If you have anywhere else to go take the kids and get out. It has really helped me to stay away from the house, that way I dont have to see his stuff, sleep in our bed etc. I keep telling myself I will go back this week but it keeps going to the next. I would talk to the lawyer ASAP and try to get an emergency order to stop your repos and your eviction, I hope every thing works out for you I will keep you in my thoughts

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
In reply to: dansamb3
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 5:56pm

Our situations sound almost identical. My h left me when I was pregnant with baby #2. He decided he didn't want to be a father or husband for about 6 weeks. That is kind of how he is acting now. We were living with his parents at the time. His parents have been great through all this, for the most part. They do think we should stay together for the kids and work on our problems. I am looking for a job and I am trying to fix what was wrong on my part, but so far he has not. He took me off the bank account and has given me money and paid the necessary bills, but what I don't understand is he says if the cars get repoed, then we are done, but I have no money so how am I supposed to pay? He just bought a $230 exhaust system for his 4wheeler and is going on a vacation with our son, but he can't pay the car payment? And he is doing side work for extra money and is complaining to me about having to pay car insurance (which is so high because of him and his lead foot!!) 2 weeks ago he almost cussed me out because he ran the cell phone bill up and had to pay to keep his work phone from being turned off. I feel like if my marriage ends, I have failed in some way. I have a somewhat distant relationship with my parents, so there are limited things that I tell them, but that is partially because I feel they are disappointed in my life and my choices and, in a way, feel i married beneath myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
In reply to: dansamb3
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 6:22pm

Everytime I think I am going to be Ok I have a meltdown and lose it with him. I just got off the phone with him, I practically beg him to take me back and tell him I would do anything to keep him but why do I want him. I have made so many mistakes throughout this whole thing and I keep making them. For example, I call him, we have sex and then I go back to my parents house. I am sneaking around, lying to my parents and doing reckless things. I keep hoping that he will realize that I am worth keeping. But is he worth keeping? no, as you say for marrying beneath me I did too. My parents have been married for 36 years and love each other more today than ever. His family is as dysfunctional as they come and his parents have been divorced since he was 5. His father wants us to stay together and continually tells him what a mistake he is making. His father would know he has been alone and his kids except my STBX have nothing to do with him. I have a wonderful extended family and they support me and my choices but I am not ready to move on. Why do I even want to go back to someone who isnt good enough for me. He is bi-polar but wont do anything about it. I tell him about what I am going to do and he holds it against me in other conversations. I am so confused. I can't stay at my house because it hurts so bad to remember but I want to be there because I want to be near his stuff.. So in other words I am a lost cause. When will i quit loving him?

Thanks so much for listening

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
In reply to: dansamb3
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 8:35pm

You know, I think there is a part of us that will always love them because of our children and the good memories. My h and I know we love each other more than anything but that love just isn't enough to fix what's wrong. We are both stubborn and have tempers. When things are good, they are great, but when things are bad, they undo all the progress we make. As for your husband, is he violent? Take into consideration the cycles that bi-polars go through, the violence, the manic depression, etc. Could your children be in danger from their father?

I think it will take time to get over him because you do have good memories and you have been with him so long. But trying to hold a marriage together by yourself is next to impossible. And really, you give up too much of yourself. YOU are worth saving, please keep that in mind. I truly believe there is someone out there who is perfect for you: considerate, helpful, appreciates you for who you are, and doesn't belittle or try to change you.

As for the sex goes, STOP!! Does that make him treat you better or try to resolve your issues?? If not, then it is giving him what he wants and getting nothing out of it. BOOTY CALL as they put it. Whenever that happens with me and mine, then next day I feel used and even worse about myself.

Don't let him squash your dreams. Remember this: they make us feel small to make themselves feel bigger. When a woman in the relationship is more accomplished, smarter, etc., the man feels threatened and compelled to "bring us down" in order to bring themselves up.

PS What is STBX??

Hugs and Prayers

It feels soo nice to have someone who is in the same situation as me and i can talk to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
In reply to: dansamb3
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 10:45pm

stbx is soon to be ex. It took me a few days to get that to. I am so over this whole thing. I know that the booty call is a bad idea but it does make him nicer and more aggreeable.
No Mat is not violent, back in our young days we did have some knock down drag outs but he never did it first. It is so hard for me to believe that a person you think you love can make you mad enough to be violent but he always knew the good and bad buttons to push.

I am calmer than I was earlier but as you said it takes two and this marriage of one is over. To here him tell it he has given everything and I have given nothing. I guess we will see. does your husband have a girlfriend or do you suspect him of it? I have heard through the grapevine that mine does but it is so hard to believe that someone who you have spent 14 years with would throw it away for a roll in the hay. But youi know what they say about love being blind, I think in my case it is worse than blind it is stupid.
Oh well You got on here to get advice and you have given me so much. I hope that what I have told you is helping. Good luck to you I hope that everything works out for both of us.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2006
In reply to: dansamb3
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 11:56am
I can not believe what I am reading! This woman has a husband that agrees to allow her to stay home with her children and asked only for a clean house and dinner on the table. She could not oblige and not only that, she refuses to live within the means he provides and gets them in debt.
He's over it because his hard work was obviously not appreciated but still he has covered the rent and paid for groceries.
People are giving advice that SHE is abused? That SHE needs an attorney??? Seems to me, she had it made and blew it. She seems to know this and feel bad and yet some of you women are advising her to take more from the guy.
I am a woman, I have raised me kids, I have worked full time with no help from my ex husband but I will tell you what; If any man had offered me this deal not only would he have a great meal on the table, his house would be spotless and I would do anything I can to show him my appreciation for allowing me to stay out of the workforce and be supported by his hard work.
I need to stop reading these boards. Some of them make me ashamed to be a woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
In reply to: dansamb3
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 12:56pm

It is amazing to me that you can be so judgemental when you dont know the whole situation. I am in a very similiar situation to her and it is not all her fault. Do you know what she goes through everyday? You were lucky and got out but what about the ones of us who relied on our h to take care of us and now we cant take care of ourselves. I know that even though he says the money problems are her fault, it sounds to me like he is not helping out the situation either. People come to these boards for a friendly place that they dont have to be judged. Their is enough judgement from family and society that they should not have to be ashamed here. Everyone makes poor choices and sometimes they need a place to talk where people wont put them down and make them feel worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: dansamb3
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 4:07pm

Well, that's not quite how I interpreted it.... she admitted that she made a "mistake" with the finances... AFTER he moved out.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~