Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Need Advice
3
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:55pm

In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned that my dd was having separation anxiety because of her telling the gal about wanting to move to her dad's. We have been divorced for 3 years and I'm taking him back to court to change the custody agreement. He moved 7 hours away and joint custody is not realistic anymore.

The separation anxiety is getting worse--but usually only at bedtime. Each night after I'm home from work, she wants to be with me practically every second unless she has other things she wants to do. I normally try to spend time with her every night (playing a game, watching a movie, building a puzzle, etc). The problem comes at bedtime. She's afraid that she will be forced to go live with her dad because of what she told her gal so she is afraid to sleep alone or to go to bed before me. She's afraid that I won't be there when she gets up and/or she's afraid that she will have nightmares about me not being there. Right now, she's sleeping on the couch in the living room where the computer is until I am ready to go to bed. That's when I get to carry her to my bed to sleep with me (At 70 lbs, this is no easy task.). She has school tomorrow and it was the only way to get her to fall asleep and get some rest. I know this is in no way healthy for her and it's wearing on me.

My questions are these: 1) Is she playing/manipulating me? 2) What can I do to help her through this? 3)Brutally honest opinions please: Did I make it worse by telling her about the court case before she went to her dad's for Christmas break?

Tomorrow I'm going to call her therapist that she went to see before and see if I can't work something out with her. She has asked me several times to go talk to her again. I don't have much money, but I think I'm going to suggest to my attorney that my ex's is required to pay for it. At the end of the month, I will be dropping her from my insurance and his will be taking over. I couldn't afford to keep her on my insurance anymore.

My heart breaks for her each time she cries. I keep holding her and telling her that it will all work out, but I'm not sure she believes me. I'm not sure I believe myself. He makes 6 times more than I do each year. He's good at painting a very good picture to the judge and twisting my words and using them against me. Because I couldn't hold my tears back in front of her a week ago, she feels as though she broke my heart. Now she's afraid to see me sad or crying. She thinks that she will be forced to go live with her dad. Please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
In reply to: overwhelmed76
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 7:48am
How old is your daughter? I don't think she is manipulating you. She already "lost" her dad and now she is scared of losing you. My oldest son was 6 and I had taken him to a therapist to vent his anger. He would misbehave in school because he knew me and his dad would have to discuss it. I learned from the therapist to not discuss anything in front of the child or to him about the ex. I didn't realize how much my son picked up from my conversations. Therapy can be expensive but it is well worth it. This is a very hard time for your daughter. Would it help if she could call her dad to talk right before bed? Maybe that would help. Each child is different so there is no right answer. Find what works for you. Maybe ask your daughter what she wants and don't judge her for her answers. Just be there. You sound like you are a good mother. I am sure you wil do the right thing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: overwhelmed76
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 8:40am
Thanks for the input. I wish I could just wrap her in my arms and just make this whole situation go away so she wouldn't have to go through it. Ever since DD was born, her dad was seldom there for her. From DD's words, that hasn't changed. The SM has stepped in and taken over his responsibilities as a parent. I'm glad she is cared for over there, but I wish xh would step up to the plate. I'm tired of the virtual tug of war and the constant tension. I am more than capable of raising her, but each/every thing I do for DD "isn't good enough" for the SM. She thinks she can do a better job raising MY daughter. Is it wrong for me to want her to step back and let me handle the things a mom does (doctor appts, etc) instead of constantly feeling like I'm fighting her for my daughter? I'm fine with her being a friend to my daughter, but she shouldn't be trying to take my place. I'm here, I'm healthy, and I'm doing a fine job without her input. Her unwanted input is unfairly putting DD in the middle when she asks her questions that concern me (not DD), pumps her for info, and insists on taking her to the doctor after I already have. I just feel that since she is not DDs mom, she should keep her big mouth shut, stay out of my business, and leave me alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
In reply to: overwhelmed76
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 9:38am

Wow, I'm dreading the battle over my babies. H is doing some of the same things that SM is. He's FINALLY stepping up to the plate, but I feel it's to undermine my parenting skills rather than because he wants be be a better dad. He's trying to take my kids from me. He took DD to the doctor for waxy ears and dry cracked skin. I'm sure he'll try claiming neglect because I didn't think a doctor appointment was necessary.

The thought of him taking my kids makes me nauseous. He never cared a bit how I mothered those children. He rarely lifted a finger unless he absolutely had to. He wouldn't change diapers. He wouldn't get up for night feedings. He didn't stay home when they were sick. He didn't clean up puke. I did everything. Now he's trying to claim to be the perfect dad and calling me incompetent and mentally unstable (because I'm adamant about not "fixing" the marriage).

I'm sorry to vent. I HATE the tug-of-war with the kids. They don't need this. I know he doesn't really want the responsibility. He loves the kids, but he's really only trying to get revenge on me for leaving him. I too wish it would all go away.