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need advice
| Wed, 10-26-2005 - 4:23pm |
I dont know what to do I feel like im losing my mind.Here is my story sorry so long.I have been married for 17 years and we were together 4 years before that.We also have a 16 year old daughter.I started having a relationship with a coworker 3 years ago. My stbx always said he suspected but never asked. I cant help but wonder if that was a sign thenthat he didnt care. I started treating my stbx terrible because I was always thinking about being with this other person and what he was doing. When my stbx would come home I would encourage him to go do things without me because I didnt want to be around him. He said that all I did was bitch at him all the time and he couldnt do anything to make me happy. We hardly ever had sex because everytime he touched me i told him to leave me alone. He finally got tired of it and said he wanted a divorce. He moved out 5 months ago but kept saying that he didnt have the money for a lawyer. I kept asking if this was what he really wanted and he said yes so I got a lawyer and filed for divorce but that isnt what i really wanted and still dont. He refused to go to counseling and said that he had made up his mind and that he was sticking to it. I told him that I would try to change and he said that he doesnt believe that people can change and even if I did it wouldnt last. Now he is seeing a coworker that has been married and divorced 3 times has 2 boys and one that is 16 and been in so much trouble that neither of his parents can control him so they toss him back and forth. He always talked about how she had a different boyfriend every week and now he is with her all the time. He says they are just friends and that she is nice to him when I wasnt. I just dont understand because he always looked down on people like her and now when it is her he always makes excuses and says everybody has a dark past and she has been nothing but nice to him. I keep asking him if they are serious and he says no but i just cant believe he would spend that much time with someone that he wasnt serious with. He says that she doesnt want a serious boyfriend but I dont believe that for a second. I know that she was whining to him about all her personal problems before he ever moved out and then he said that he started talking to her about our problems. He said that she told him to stay and work it out but that is a laugh I know she had her eye on him and probably did everything she could to encourage him to leave. Anyway I have been absolutely miserable without him and I still want to try and make our marriage work all I can think about is what he is doing and if they are together. He has not really shown any signs of wanting to try and reconcile before the divorce is final but I just dont feel like we tried hard enough to work this out. Does anybody have advice on what I should do should I just let him get on with his life like he says he wants or should I fight for what I want. He has hardly spent any time with our daughter because he is always with her and when he does she always ends up calling or texting or showing up at his house to butt in on their time together.

Are you in counselling to help you work through your feelings? It sounds to me like you've been unhappy for some time - you weren't happy in your marriage, and now you're unhappy in your separation. Counselling might help you get to the bottom of your feelings and what's really making you unhappy.
I have to wonder... since you and your ex were distant for so many years, do you think you're missing 'him' now, or are you grieving for the ideal of what you wanted him and your marriage to be? It's scary to start over, so when a relationship ends it sometimes seems safer to try to get that relationship back and suddenly focus on the good in that relationship, no matter how dysfunctional it may have been, than face a new future.
As for giving up too easily, you and your h spent a lot of years growing very far apart and I'm sure he is hurt and/or angry over your affair. Sometimes there's just too much water under the bridge to save a relationship. To work things out, he has to be willing to work on it with you. Sometimes people need time to get over their initial hurt before they can try a reconciliation. However, if he already has a new 'friend' and is telling you it isn't going to happen, that may be his final decision. You could ask him whether he would be willing to go to couples counselling with you to be sure there is nothing left between the two of you. If he won't go, then you will have to start accepting that's how he feels. Counselling could also help you deal with this.
Hang in there. No matter which way this turns out, things will start to get better.
Hugs.
-sang
I agree that counseling sounds like it is needed. I haven't had the experience of not wanting the husband, and then deciding I do want him only after he moves on to someone else. So I cannot say that I understand where you stand, and I will bet money that your husband doesn't understand it either.
Happiness is something you make for yourself. It won't be handed to you.