Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need Advice
9
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 4:28pm
Hello All,
I dont know what to do and I need your advice. I am still going to contact the courts to see what I can do but I just needed some opinions. Im divorced w/a 2 yr old son and my ex has him everyother wknd, in fact he gets him this wknd. Anyway, he informed me that his gf is going to be picking up my son from daycare from now on. He said because of his family leaving he has no one else to help him w/my son. I have never met this woman and he refuses to let me meet her stating that I would be rude about it and cause a scene. He just doesnt get it, its not about her, im not a freakin child, its about my son, his well being and making sure hes safe. I cant believe hes already having this woman get my son. I told him she is not picking him up until I meet her. He told me that she is picking him up Friday and if I stop it, hes going to call the police out because I am in contempt of his visitation rights w/his son. Anyway, I know there is a list that you sign for daycare for who can and cannot pick him up. My question is, do you know if he has the right to put her on that list. Im the one who enrolled my son in the daycare and im the one who put him on the list. Any advice on how to handle this situation. I cant believe Im going through this, I figured it would end w/the divorce. It seems like things are worse. In today's society its so hard to trust others w/your children, this is really affecting me.
Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: melrose02
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 4:43pm

Hi there,


Hugs to you :)


I think that one of the parents of the child have to add that person ( in this case GF ) to a list of people able to pick up your son. Is he able to add that person, yes. He is the bio-dad. Is bio-dad listed anywhere with daycare? probably.... and he has just as much of a right as you do. Do you have joint custody? If so he definitely has access to school records, that being one of them.


I know it sucks. I know having OW interfere with your son is hard. The bottom line is he is just as capable of making a decision like that as you are. He would not do anything to hurt your son. He would not send someone irresponsible to pick him up. You have to trust his parenting decisions in order to move on emotionally. I know it is hard, believe me, but you have to do it. It isn't worth fighting the inevitable.


Hugs to you,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
In reply to: melrose02
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 4:50pm

oh my God. I cant even imagine. Oh God. I would want to kill him. first off, im assuming there's a custody order in effect. If so does it state she is allowed to pick of your child. If not then your ex is full of $h*t!

How dare he "refuse" you to meet her then have the nerve to tell you she'll be picking up your 2 yr old from now on! How well does your son even know this chick? How old is she, does she have experience with children? I so furious at your ex. OH!

You need to contact the courts ASAP! Like tomorrow morning, no joke. Refer to your visitation order since it's through the court, does it specify anyone other than you or him picking him up, if NOT, then there is NO WAY she'd be getting my child. I'd pick up my son and tell him he can come to me to get him from me when he's available. Or I'd get to the daycare before her and then he cant do anything about you meeting her because he'd have no choice. He cant tell you NOT to SHOW up there. Call the daycare see is he's put her on the list if not she cant pick up your son.

OOOH I could just....., how could he.

Also call the precinct if the other things dont get you anywhere. Since he wants to be so smart and threaten to call the Police on you.

JERK! Let us know what happens

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
In reply to: melrose02
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 5:09pm

I see you point, but intially i went crazy when I read the post I was so upset for her. However, in being a parent he should out of respect for her as the child's mother, at least let her meet this person, who is he to assume that she wont know how to "act" towards this gf.

It's one thing if he's not giving the gf responsibilities like this one for example picking up the child. But if he wants this girl to have a real function in their son's life then in being a "responsible parent" sit down with her and introduce them properly. Let her talk to the person who will be taking on more of a serious role in her childs life. That would be something for me that would be non-negotiable. I would do that out of respect for my ex as the father of my child if I wanted the "new man" in my life to begin taking a more "active" role in my child's life. He should do it the right way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: melrose02
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 5:24pm
Thanks all. I thought about agreeing w/him and going to the daycare and then having to meet her but I dont know what time shell be there and I doubt hed tell me. Most of the problem is, I dont know this woman, all I have is a first name. I dont know where she lives, what shes like, or how she is with my son. All I can think of is what if something happens. I know you say trust my ex, but I dont, I dont trust his judgement anymore because he is selfish and only thinks of himself. So lets say she picks him up, then what, where does she take him, what if something happens, does she have a car seat, all that stuff. I understand that this stuff happens and its a part of divorce, but this is a gf, not a wife or a family member. Can you really just go and add any tom dick and harry to the daycare list for pickup and dropoff. There has to be some boundaries.
Thank you all for you input, it sure does help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
In reply to: melrose02
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 5:37pm
Hi,
Actually I wasnt the one who said you should Trust your ex. That was Angelena. I dont trust my ex either. i was the one who said how old is she, call the daycare, the courts, see if he can have her do this just like that. Heck even call the police and ask if you dont get anywhere with the others. Please give more details. Who has sole custody, have you check your visitation order. Im assuming all this has been documented through the courts as far as the visitation schedule. How old is she. You need to find out from him some basic, important questions. Like what is her last name, where will she be taking your son, does she have a car seat etc. I would make an attempt to calmly and rationally discuss my concerns with him. Explaining calmly what my fears are, asking him to understand and how would he feel if it was reversed. Please get back to us with the rest of the details.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
In reply to: melrose02
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 5:46pm

Hi Melrose,

I completely agree with you! No way should his g/f be picking up your baby from daycare. i have an 18mo. old, and if my stbx couldn't get her, or a grandparent, then it would be me. I didn't read the other posts yet, but I would definitely put my foot down about it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: melrose02
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 6:01pm
All I know is that she is 28 and has a 7 yr old son. I dont know her last name, where she works, or anything. When I asks, he said its none of my business. This man is very hard to deal with. He did not call at all last week to check on his son and then out of the blue wants to see him, I told him that he needed to let me know when he picked him up from daycare so that at least I knew he was okay, he said that he does not have to tell me anything and that he did not communicate w/me because he was punishing me for our last fight. Yes this is what I have to deal with, a 33 yr old immature child. We both have joint legal custody, me as the primary parent. I was reading the parenting plan set forth by the court and it states that father would be picking up son from the daycare, so I dont know if that accounts for anything. I know if I cant make it my family does and if he couldnt his family did. But now his family is gone, they moved away and he is all alone here. Ive tried to calmly talk to this man, but its not working. I was even thinking about getting a mediator. I really do not want to have to hire a lawyer, because my money should be going on getting us a house, but I dont know how else to deal w/this man. How do you guys handle it? Im at my wits end and have so far kept my together, but I gotta tell you, Im about ready to lose it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: melrose02
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 9:31pm

I think you need to find out if you have the legal right to stop it or not. That may mean a visit to an attorney for a small fee, but it would be worth it. Making a big stink when you have no legal say who picks up on his parenting time isn't going to help either of you (he'll fight you and he'll win). It may be possible that you have some legal say in this, even on his parenting time, but you should find out for sure.

If nothing else, try to get him to see what's in it for him. For example, you want him to call you when he gets your son to say he's been picked up. That is reasonable, but do you do the same for him? My ex and I have always done this. That way the other parent knows what kind of morning dd had and that she made it to school okay, and also gets to hear what kind of day dd says she had (sometimes she will talk on the phone and tell hte other parent herself, sometimes not) and that she was safely picked up. But it works because we extend the courtesy to each other, it's not one sided. Try and think of some way that letting you meet his gf benefits him. Maybe explain that you expect one day to have another person in your life, and since that person has the chance to be around ds a lot, you would assume he would want to meet his new man and ask any questions that a reasonable parent might expect to ask. Tell him the consideration of having the other parent meet the new person in ds's life would go both ways, and assure him you can handle the situation in a mature way. Don't demand that you meet her, ask.

If he still refuses, then you are stuck with the question of if you have a legal right to stop it. I'm thinking that if you met someone you could add that person's name to the pick up list at the school and he couldn't stop that. Since you have joint legal custody, he should have the same rights as you when it comes to things like that. If you had sole legal it would probably be a different story. But it's still a good idea to check with an attorney to be sure.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: melrose02
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:48am
I'm sorry your ex is being so disagreeable and won't let you meet his gf to ease your mind. But maybe try to look at the situation a little differently. If he told you he had hired a babysitter and she would be picking your son up and you weren't able to meet her beforehand (not because he was preventing it but say you just didn't have a chance to meet her), would you feel comfortable that he had probably picked out a decent babysitter who would be fine with your child? If that doesn't ease your mind, is there someone at the daycare that you know fairly well? Maybe you could explain the sticky situation and ask that person to call you when she picks your child up so at least you'd know he was picked up.
-sang