need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
need advice
4
Sun, 05-04-2008 - 3:47pm

I have been seperated from my husband for one year now. He hooked up with another woman a week after

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
In reply to: sally882007
Sun, 05-04-2008 - 4:36pm

Oh, i know your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: sally882007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 10:32am

I'm not sure if people like this will ever get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: sally882007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 11:48am

Sally,


Hi. I certainly understand how you hurt for your daughters in the wake of your own separation. None of you can control what your husband has done or does. The fact is, however, your daughters are adults. They have the right to decide how or whether they want to know about their father's new life. If they refuse to see his GF, that's their choice; he can't force them to meet her or accept her. He'll have to live with that (its a consequence of his choices, one I bet he never thought about before he shacked up with the GF.) So, he'll have to learn the hard way.


One thing I would suggest, if you and your DDs are receptive: family counseling. It may be very helpful for the three of you to see a counselor. It will help the three of you cope with your situation, give you tools to help cope, and help all of you see that you're not responsible for your husbands behavior. (That's important because you don't want to be codependent nor your daughters.)


Also, where are you in the separation process? Is either you or your husband filing for divorce? If not, I suggest you take the bull by the horns and see a lawyer. As painful as it is, moving forward by legally ending the marriage will give you (and your daughters) a sense of closure, so you can all move on with your lives. Especially you. It's good to know your rights and responsibilities. So make an appointment with an attorney and get those answers.


Things will get easier with time. The trick will be (for all three of you) is NOT to get hung up on what's happened so it stymies your lives. Remember, each of you will survive this and find your own paths. The encouragement I give you is to find help getting through this rough patch and then finding the strength for each of you to go on with your lives. Each of you has their whole life a head of them. Don't let what your husband has done trap you in a quandry for long.


I highly recommend a terrifice book called:"Rebuiliding: When your relationship ends." by Bruce Fisher. It's timeless and you'll find it enormously helpful.


Remember not to become codependent on your DDs. They have to sort things out for themselves and while you can be supportive, you can't be responsible for their feelings. That's why I think some family counseling will help all of you see how you can cope and be happy.


Good luck. This will take time but its doable.


Keep us posted.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020


Some commonly misspelled words on this board:


You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: sally882007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 12:30pm

Hi Sally,


The kids are adults.