Need advice about visitation after arrest

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
Need advice about visitation after arrest
6
Sat, 07-05-2014 - 9:26am

My ex husband & I  tried to reconcile after 2 yrs being separated. Hes an alcoholic, and he claimed he had straightened up & the issues in our marriage before wouldn't be there. We talked a lot & he swore he would work hard to be a better husband. Now mind you we were apart for 2 yrs so both of us saw people in that 2 yrs, he & I both agreed we would put that past us & move forward. But he quickly proved he was unable to do that. He started right away with the comparisons between himself & the other men that were in my life. I on the other hand was able to not bring the other women up. I pleaded with him to please stop with the insecurities & the harrassing each night because it was not helping the relationship, we were fighting each night. He is an alcoholic (starts drinking first thing in the am & doesn't stop until he goes to bed) he has been laid off since october. Recently d/t my lack of interest in the relationship he has started talking about ending his life & last wkend he got very intoxicated & took a lot of pills & things got very bad in our home & our 8yr son witness a lot of things he shouldn't have which scared him a lot. The police ended up coming the nxt day & arrested him for disorderly conduct & endangering the welfare of a child. He is now living with his mom & we have an order of protection for both myself & my 8 yr. No contact whatsoever. Im confused & scared about what to do now. Do I ask that visitation be allowed for him & my son? at least supervised? I don't think his mental state is good enough for him to have him like our old visitation was which was complete joint custody half & half. my mother thinks I should keep it like it is & not let him see him at all, but my son misses his dad. But he at least now sees his dad for how he really is.

any suggestions??

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 07-05-2014 - 10:53am

  You made this bed.  I suggest no visitation.  But you need a lawyer.  Sole custody is what you need .   there is really nothing in your post that is that far out so an 8 year old got scared not a big deal so I suspect you were freaked out.  Tyhe time is now to make custody changes so you can move on a quick divorce might be best since alcholicts need to hit rock bottom before they  stop.   But sole custody would free you up if you wsanted to move or get away from him. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-05-2014 - 10:54am

If you do go for visitation, make sure it is supervised only--and not by his relatives, by a professional.  You could also ask that he has to report for random alcohol testing and that if he has been drinking, there will be no visitation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 07-05-2014 - 12:27pm

First, you get an attorney.  THEY can advise you what you need to do, what would be best, how to go about it, etc.  You need to get the divorce going, and end the marriage.  You cannot tell someone "stop with the insecurities"........because an insecure person is insecure.  That's probably why he drinks, too.  Your son saw enough to understand that it's NOT a good thing to be around his Dad at this point in time.  Tell him that when Dad gets some help, then visits can be arranged (between you and I that will probably never happen).  Your story is a lot like mine.  I married a man who was horribly insecure, for many good reasons, mostly his mother.  He hid it well from me for a few years, then it started coming out.  He became controlling, jealous, angry, and the drinking started.  From the drinking came the women.  I put up with it for many years, stupidly thinking my 3 sons needed a father.  Boys need a father, but a SANE one, not what mine had, or what your son had.  I was also threatened with suicide.....although he never tried it to my knowledge.  At our last conversation in person, him begging, me saying GET OUT......he tried to choke me!  Fortunately my 16 year old son was able to overpower him.....and he left.  We never saw him again until court. Yours has deeper problems than alcoholism, that's just an escape for him.  Mine remarried IMMEDIATELY (to his current bimbo), he continued drinking, she divorce him, he drank more.  My sons were grown, and they would go to his house and visit, and find empty vodka bottles everywhere.....they were embarassed to take the trash out for him!  He drank himself to death eventually......very sad.  But something that no wife or children should live with.  It's sad when a marriage ends, but it's even sadder when a horrible marriage continues.......you're doing the right thing.....but get legal advice regarding any visitiations.  Good Luck to you, life WILL get better.....mine did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Um, yes it is a "big deal" that an 8 year old child was frightened. This is a sick man who needs years of professional help before he is capable of being a decent father and husband. I do not agree with allowing visitation because he could harm the child while drunk. The child has to come first, no matter what.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 07-18-2014 - 6:24pm

You need Alanon.org. It's the sister organization for friends and family of alcoholics. Once you get their help you'll understand why you make the choices you make with your EX and your son will get the help he needs so he doesn't wind up like his father.

Your EX is a drug abuser. He's very, very good at lying, manipulating, and getting by. Stop being his stooge pigeon. Your son deserves a Mother who can protect him from his father's addiction. Unless he can get sober, he's nothing more than a sperm donor. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 07-23-2014 - 12:15pm

Leave it alone! Let it be how it is now.YOur son sees how he is.Of course he misses him BUT you are the adult here.You  KNOW this man is an alcoholic yet you STILL wanted to get back with him...let me guess..he was doing so well when you guys were apart  for those 2yrs that you  though you'd give it another try...YOU don't need someone like that in your life and your kid's life.You need to be stronger about this.YOu know what you need to do.