Need advice - family events

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Need advice - family events
9
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 7:49am
I need some advice from people who have been here before. I raised my daughters alone, (financially, physically and spiritually) all their lives. Their Dad is a little too focused on himself to be able to dedicate his resources to the every day effort required to raise children. His parenting contribution has been historically limited to the big events like Christmas, birthdays, etc. He has never missed a holiday with the girls. At first I felt cheated. It felt like I was doing all the work but couldn’t share in the fun times. But I realized that my daughters needed to think that their father loved them and this was the only way to get that reassurance. I trained myself to get over the disappointment of not having holidays with my daughters. I gave up recognizing holidays completely so I stopped feeling the heartache. Now I have two big events coming up: my one daughter is graduating from high school and my second is planning her wedding. My girls want me to go to both events. I know I cannot. I would like to know how to get my daughters to acquiesce to this inevitability because the emotional turmoil has become too much for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:12am
No way could I give up those events in my children's lives. I could totally see why your daughters would be hurt by your doing so. I have no advice except to see it through your daughters eyes and know that you will never get a chance to get those events back. I can see regret in your future but it is your choice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:19am
michele-
Have you had any therapy to help you deal with your emotional turmoil? If not, this might be a route to help you deal with your feelings and achieve some healing. If you deal with your feelings, you may find you feel differently about attending these events. If you miss such important events in your daughters' lives, you may later regret it. If, with therapy, you still find you are unable to participate in these events, your therapist may be able to assist you in explaining your reasons to your daughters. But I don't know if your daughters will ever truly understand you not going to these events, and it may damage your relationships with them. You may think that not attending will somehow save you pain, but it may cause you more pain by causing a rift between you and your daughters that will be difficult to heal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:22am

Thank you for responding lostmom but that wasn't very helpful. I know how hard this is on my daughters which is why I created the post. They are completely naive about the situation I am in. They have no emtional experience on which to draw so when I try to talk to them, they are incapable of understanding. I was hoping someone could show me how to reach them.

As for regrets, of course I will regret missing these events. But the real regret is that I was ever weak and foolish enough to get involved with someone so cruel in the first place. I brought decades of misery on myself and have spent enormous amounts of energy protecting my girls.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:17am

I think that lostmom was trying to say what I will, too, try to say.....


Don't let HIM (and his cruelness) deprive YOU of experiencing the joys of your life.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:32am

I actually don't think you will regret not attending these events as much as others think you will. Sure you will wish you will be there, but you seem to have getting over that kind of disappointment down to a science.

I think what you will regret (and what your daughters are trying to get you to see) is that by missing these events you are going to hurt them deeply, and you will forever damage the relationship they have with you. All that time you spent raising them will fade away, and the realization that their father showed up to see them shine in such important moments in their lives will rise to the surface and become more important to them. This isn't about you or him, it's about them and what they have accomplished, and them needing you to witness it because you are their mother. Showing up is a way to show you do love them unconditionally.

What do you think will happen if you go? You can stay far away from your ex, you don't have to talk to him and you can request he not speak to you. You can simply suffer through each ceremony, holding that pain inside for the sake of your children.

While most parents love their children unconditionally, children do not love their parents unconditionally. If you make the mistake of missing these events, you may be surprised at how far reaching and deep the consequences will be to your relationship with them. It is very possible that they will never forgive you. Can you live with that?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:03am

I think you're right..... and I'll bet you're speaking from first hand (or really close hand) experience.


I see this EXACT pattern with my SO and his kids.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:28am

< of course I will regret missing these events... I brought decades of misery on myself and have spent enormous amounts of energy protecting my girls.>>

michele-
You don't say how long it's been since you divorced, but it doesn't sound as though you've achieved healing in the time that's passed. I thought maybe looking at a few key words out of what you wrote yourself might give you a different perspective.
First, you said yourself your daughters do not understand. It sounds like your daughters and your relationship with them is extremely important to you (as it should be). Is you avoiding seeing your husband really worth the hurt and pain you will cause to them and to your relationship with them that you have worked so hard to build? These are major days in your daughters' lives, and they have looked forward to these days for years. They would have always pictured you being their to share in their joy. If you were unable to be there due to something out of your own control (eg. an illness) it would be difficult for them to accept. But for you to choose not to be there is something they may not ever be able to understand.
Second, yes, you may have been miserable with your ex for years. But you are not with him now. You are responsible for the life you have now. If you let your ex chase you away from events you belong at, you're letting him continue to have power over you. You can choose to take back control of your life and your feelings. It doesn't happen overnight, but it can happen. I can understand not wanting to have to see your ex again. My marriage didn't end well, my ex can be a very not nice guy, and he's now with an ex-friend of mine. I recently found out they may be at a wedding I'm going to. I don't want to see either of them, ever, and I've never had to see them 'together.' Seeing them will be difficult, but I'm going to hold my head high and be smiling on the outside, because I'd not give either of them the satisfaction of thinking they upset me. And I never even considered not going - I wouldn't let those jerks make me miss my close friend's wedding! I may have lived a lot of bad years with him, but this is MY life now, and they say living well is the best revenge.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:32am

The only way you will ever truly be happy is to separate your feelings for the X from the feelings for your daughters.


You have got to do what is best for them and put your own feelings aside. The damage is far too much to your daughters to not have you there!


No way would I ever miss those events, ex presence or not.


Please please please reconsider.


Hugs,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 1:01pm
I undestand how difficult this is for you - but I don't understand why you can't be at both celebratons?