need advice--I'm going crazy here!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
need advice--I'm going crazy here!!
10
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 11:20pm

Hi all, I am new to this board and really need some advice. First of all, my husband and I separated last September after three years of marriage. He has done absolutely nothing(and I mean nothing) to help out with getting the divorce accomplished, even though he wants it as much as I do. I have been busy with college, and only this summer have had some time to try to do the paperwork myself(couldn't afford a lawyer). I just filed a little less than two months ago, and I'm waiting til the 60 day waiting period is over to finally get this finalized.


Here's the thing.....my ex-husband has been a complete jerk to me since I left him. I, wanting to be considerate and feeling guilty for making him miserable, have bent over backwards to try to make this as smooth and painless for him as possible. When he asked me to move my stuff, I moved it...when he told me I needed to get my car insurance out of his name, I did it right away. I never asked for ANYTHING from him, just took what was mine, left a lot of things that were mine because he said he wanted them, I have been doing the paperwork myself and paying for all the divorce expenses(almost $500 so far), I have been off his health insurance for quite some time, we are

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 11:29pm

Yes about the lawyer thing it is worth it, just interview your lawyer good. My lawyer sucked. Sorry to use such a strong word but she did. I am looking for another one to go back on and recover somethings my lawyer wouldn't even touch.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 11:30pm
wow, that was fast, thanks for the reply! but, how do I know if a lawyer is good? what should I ask her?

ad Marie cb


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 1:07am

The only way I have been able to tell if a lawyer is good (and in this case, a lawyer is necessary) is by referral.

On another note, let me tell you, Marie, I checked out your website. You are incredibly talented. If you need something positive to focus on as you navigate the choppy waters of divorce, focus on that. You have such a bright future ahead of you! Best wishes to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 4:27pm

thanks everyone who replied.


Could use some more advice on this....

ad Marie cb


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 5:50pm
I am not excusing his behavior in any way, but I know the pain of some one leaving you. That is what he is really expressing with all of his passive agressive antics. It takes time and maturity (and God) to get to a place where you feel like it isn't your job to punish. I don't know why you left or how you did it. It sounds like you have been open, honest and fair. A lot of us have not had as much consideration. My husband couldn't handle the feelings our new son brought up. He blamed me (we have nothing in commen any more...) and walked out. I had so much hurt and rage in me from that. Furhter more he has no remorse, no apologies and it just fuels my anger. I am only saying this I guess to show you the other side. Again I am not comparing your actions to my STBX's, but I can relate to his feelings. Since he wants to punish you this way, I believe a lawyer is your best bet. It gets cold and ugly but that is the face of divorce. I hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 11:52pm
thanks, I can see what you're saying, and I think that my best bet here is to just go through with the papers I have already filed, get it over with clean and without fighting for anything.

ad Marie cb


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 7:15am
Well don't give up things that are righfully yours and are imporant to you. As my own twisted STBX said to me "nothing I do will be good enough". He uses that to excuse terrible beavior but used in the right context it helped me nutalize my own anger. Nothing besides coming back to him will be good enough. Since that is not an option, you have to accept that he sees himself as the victim. It has to be hard but don't let guilt about that cause you to make unnecessary sacrifices. I read on another post you responded to that he was a bad husband. So it's not like you just walked out for some crazy reason like many of us are dealing with. I have a right to be angry at my husbands actions. He had a crisis and started emotionally abusing me. Then he walked out on me and our 9 month old and moved in two months later with some bimbo. He has put our son in danger on numerous occasions. Then when I get hurt and respond he says "nothing is good enough". I just dont want you to think I am sticking up for your husband. I believe you feel bad for causing him pain because you are a good person. But if he did not hold up his end of the bargin in your marriage and there was no other answer then to leave, square with that and take care of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:12pm

I am going to go ahead and be the dissenting opinion here. I did not use a lawyer in my divorce. I did want to wring my XHs neck b/c he was making it impossible to get anything done. I did lose all of the spare time for several months. But in the end, I got a bunch of what I wanted in the divorce. And I got out.

In my experience, a lot of the stuff that seemed so important then turned out to be very unimportant in the long run. I've never been sorry that I didn't "fight" b/c our divorce cost us $550. Even tho I feel like I was overly generous with him, a couple of lawyers going at it for a while would have cost so much more that what I gave him. And he thinks he got a great deal.

If you don't have kids this is a great way to go - you've already shown that you are on top of things. And every time that you are tempted to strangle him for being difficult, think of all of the $$ that you are not spending and grit your teeth. You have your whole life and a bright future ahead of you!

GL,
~Kristi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:33pm
Thanks Kristi, now that I am not so angry I realize that making him suffer is not worth the trouble it's going to cost me.

ad Marie cb


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:44pm

Good for you! And come here to rant if you need to. They can be sooo aggrivating at times.

Hugs!
~Kristi