Need advice ... long (sorry)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2008
Need advice ... long (sorry)
4
Sat, 04-05-2008 - 2:16pm

Hi,


New here... need advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 04-05-2008 - 2:33pm

Mom,


I'm sorry you're getting the raw end of things in this process. Your STBX is engaging in a behavior called "villianization." In other words, he's working very hard to make you the bad guy. And, unfortunately, people being human beings, they believe him without knowing the full story. He's also doing that because eventually it will come out about his use of prostitutes. Then, he's in a better position to say, "Oh, she made that up." Well, you didn't make it up, but, unfortunately his collegues and coworkers aren't going to know that.


I encourage you to find a divorce support group. Many churches offer these without requiring membership in the church. Call around or check with your community mental health center for a schedule of support groups there. I also encourage you to find a therapist who can help you vent, deal with the issues you have at work and in your heart, and help you find your way back to emotional health.


I'd also encourage you to visit with your Human Resources department. Explain (in basic terms) what's going on at home so someone is aware of your situation. Then, if something escalates at work, you won't be caught like a deer in the headlights. Again, you don't have to share gory details (and I don't recommend it), but let them know you're getting divorced.


You can hold your head high. You're not the one hiring sex partners or abusing your spouse. Clearly your STBX is immature and has an attitude problem. As hard as it is, keep your own counsel and don't tell anyone at work about your situation. Let him be the big mouth. Smart people recognize who is telling the truth and who isn't in the end. Plus, a year or two or more down the road, it won't matter to those other people. Right now it's just "good gossip" for the water cooler. Keep being the person you are.


Hang in there and get good legal counsel. Soon you'll be free of this person who is obviously more enamored of himself than anyone else.


Peace,

CL-Wisdomtooth2020


Some commonly misspelled words on this board:


You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2008
Sat, 04-05-2008 - 3:59pm

Thank you wisdomtooth... Your advice is very good -and very wise. I am trying to just keep going as you said and will continue to try to hold my head high. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 8:28am

Sun,


Hugs and more hugs!


You know what? It is tough to take the high road and be the adult in a situation like this. Think of yourself as a leader. Leaders have to take a stand and stick with it no matter how unpopular and difficult. In contrast, look how he's acting: like a high school kid - spreading gossip and rumors that aren't true - all in an effort to try to deflect blame from himself. More savvy people are going to look at him and going Uh-huh...the pot calls the kettle black!


Just remember, the behavior you're witnessing in this public forum (work) is nothing new! He's just being himself!

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 8:37am

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.