need advice, need support
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| Tue, 01-09-2007 - 5:53pm |
My STBX and I had our first mediation today about custody. Well it started out good, we did the deciding of holidays and where they were to go to school but then we came to the decision of placement. The mediators asked me first what my proposal was and I said he could have them every other weekend and every Wednesday from 3-7:30pm. When they asked him what his proposal was he said 50/50. He wants them every other week. This from the guy who can only see his kids on Sundays because of his work schedule, even then he only sees them like every third Sunday. And always at my house he never takes them any where. He went down to Arizona from Nov 05 until end of March 06. Only coming back for one day at xmas and for 5 days when his grandfather died. He barely talked to the kids during the time he was gone. My question is what are his chances at getting this, I am not going to agree to it, I think he only wants it so he doesn't have to pay me child support and he thinks because I make more than him I will have to pay him even though we will have them the same amount of time, the mediators can't make us agree to this but a judge can rule that this will be in the best interest of the children. I am just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and what happened. I am also looking for support and advice. I don't think it makes a difference but I live in Wisconsin.

Hi there! I wanted to respond and send my support to you. I can't give any concrete advice, as I am currently going through mediation and am getting familiar with all the legal issues, myself (I would suggest checking on the internet about child custody issues in your state). My STBX is also asking for 50/50 custody, but this is not totally unrealistic for us and our kids - both teens.
I'm fairly new to this board, so don't know if you've posted your story here before. How long have you been separated from the STBX? How old are your children? I would think that the fact that the kids' father does not have a good history of making time for them and seeing/communicating with them on a regular basis, would be a significant factor for a judge deciding what is in their best interest, in terms of custody arrangements.
I think you could make a pretty good case for the mediators and judge that his suggested plan is not workable or realistic due to his work schedule. My suggestion is to write everything down -- all the details about his work schedule for the past year (or since you've been separated) and a summary of exactly how much time he has spent with the kids and what they did. Why doesn't he take them to where he lives...how are the kids expected to all of a sudden move in with him every other week? How does he propose to take care of them if he has work obligations? You may be right in that he thinks he can get away with having you pay him child support, but you need to make sure what your rights are, in that it appears that you would still be the primary caregiver, in terms of decisions made on behalf of the kids.
Do you have an attorney to consult? It might be a good idea to talk to your attorney to make sure that the memorandum of understanding (MOU) reflects what you believe is the best arrangement for the kids, and get informed of all your legal rights.
Best of luck with all this! Keep your head up & stay strong!
I just wanted to add my support. My STBX is saying the same thing that he wants a 50/50 split. He works irregular shift work plus a second job. I have always been our children's primary caregiver and I really hope to maintain that status in their lives. I spoke with legal counsel today and I had a battery of questions for her - mostly regarding custody.
She said that it can't hurt to document as much as possible (to keep it factual though without opinions or feelings) about the time he does spend with the kids right now, how involved he is in their lives. She also felt that getting testimonies from friends that you look after all of the kids activities, appointments - daily care etc. can be helpful. Can you get docmentation from your family doctor that you accompany the kids to their appointments etc etc. All of this info paints a pretty clear picture for the judge as to who has done what for the kids in their lives. My H has also done some nasty things to me. Fortunately I have a friend who I confided in when those situations happened. She has agreed also to provide that info if needed - that would be a last resort for me though.
In my case - STBX looks good because he does do daycare drop offs and pick up regularly - but that is pretty much all he does - i look after all meals, most baths, all clothing, school needs etc (I also work fulltime). Lawyer also told me to remain as calm as possible and STBX will likely trip over himself. She said that judges are aware of the "super-dad" syndrome where moderately involved dads all of a sudden try to make it look like they have been an equal partner in their upbringing when it is not true. Don't show him your cards - but start putting your ducks in a row. Do you have a lawyer? Hopefully you do to ensure your desires are well represented.
The bad news is that apparently courts are leaning towards shared residency these days so they do like to do that in a 50/50 fashion. I am okay with 65% 35% - maybe even 60/40 but not 50/50. That would be adding salt to the wound for me and I am sure for you as well.
hang in there
Rose