Need Advice Please...
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| Wed, 05-10-2006 - 12:01am |
I have been going back and forth with the STBX for three years now. I just want everything to stop. I did not want our kids to be without him. I did not want to lose my best friend. We have been together for over 12.5 years. I am angry with my self for putting up with everything I did from him. I do still care a great deal for him but not the person he is. Ok now my question. I know we have to have contact because of the kids, and lucky for me he is 5000 miles away. He is military, talks about getting out but dont think he will chose to do the 50/50 thing as far as responsibility. I dont know how to not have the feelings for him that I do. I am so angry with my self. He always wants to come back always calls tells me he misses me. Tells me he wants to be friends. I cant do this anymore. I have physical pain from all of this. My heart gets broken over and over. He started cheating before he ever told me he was unhappy. This is not good for the kids and for me.
I dont know how to take the step and move pass this. I feel stuck and I am so tired. He told me the light I had after he came back fomr the last deployment is gone. The the lies and other stuff have destroyed it. I always get ready to end everything and then we talk or communacate and I forget how hurt and angry I feel. I have to have some contact with him because of the kids. I want them to suffer as little as possible. He gets a do over while I take care of everything.. Any advice will be appreicated... What about me? I want to find me again not the empty person I have become. Guess this is the depression stage huh? LOL I am so scared of the future, all the lost plans. When we were old we were going to sit on the porch and watch our grandkids play. I know I dont want to be one of the women that can not be alone. I want to make me happy not cover the loss in another relationship. I want the pain and sadness to go away. I dont feel like I will ever get over this. I know I have to though...

antnonie...
Pianoguy suggests that you make a list of necessary steps to eliminate your pain, sadness and stress from your life. Include the best interests of your children when you do this.
Then start implementing each step you've listed.
12 years living the same "plot line" can easily turn into 20! If you honestly want to write new chapters for yourself and your family....then don't procrastinate! DO SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIER?
The future is always scary.....until it becomes the past.
Pianoguy
I could have written your note when my husband and I separated.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
It is very hard to break free but you have to. The first step is to have no contact to serve as a jump start for accepting that the family you thought you would have with him will not be. I know this is extremely hard when there are kids involved but you have to do it. How old are your kids?
Next you have to stop listening to him sharing his feelings with you. By allowing him to do this, this only keeps you stuck in a place that you obviously dont want to be. Is there any hope of a reconciliation? Such as counseling or something like that? If not then you have to stop him now from telling you these things. My ex tried to keep me stuck to by being back and forth with me. He wanted to make things work, then he was confused and felt we needed "time". All the while he was still seeing someone else and willing to still sleep with me. For a while I allowed this and engaged in this behavior but it was destroying me. I was getting temporary gratification and I and you deserve more than that.
It wasnt until I began NO CONTACT unless pertaining to the baby and specifically to the baby I didnt talk to him. The beginning was damn hard but it proved to be exactly what I needed. It gave me the strength to accept that my dreams with him were over and i had to move on. It made me feel so much better. I found myself again. I learned to be grateful for what I learned in my relationship with him. I learned that I will NEVER EVER settle for less than what I want in a relationship from a man.
At times I still miss the man I thought he could be and reminise about how happy we used to be, but its okay. Ive grown so much and dont miss all the pain and wondering whether or not he's with another woman. A part of me will always love him because he gave me my son and that's okay too. Finally now we've been able to be civil to each other for our son's sake. Will we ever be friends? Who knows. Its been over 2 years since it was over and I still dont think that Im ready to deal with him as I would one of my other male friends (like hanging out and just talking on the phone about anything). Maybe some day, maybe not. It's up to God. But I dont want to be enemies. Hang in there hun. You can do it.
How's it going luv?.... are the visits still going OK?
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hey Karen.
How are you. Things are still going good which is great. We switched weekends last week so he gets him this weekend. Though it is Mother's Day I'll get to go see my movie this weekend:Poseidon which Iam really looking forward to and on mom's day I may take a ride to Manhattan depending on the weather and just have some me time.
So hopefully this weekend will continue as the previous ones have. We go back to court May 22nd. I even gave him more extra time on Friday. He picked up ds from my sister's, well my niece took him downstairs (lol) which worked for me also. Im anxious to see if he dares to say Im still keeping ds from him and hindering the visits. I have the proof I needed if he does though. My camera phone tells the date and time of the picture you take which I didnt even know. So on both occassions that he got days that werent court ordered, I have pics of him and ds and he had no idea. Just in case he goes sour in court I will whip it out and he'll be caught in a lie again.
Thanks for asking.
That's good to hear!... no.... it's GREAT to hear!
Ya know, I think that this year is the very first year that our family vacation isn't happening on Father's Day (my dad's family's big thing)... and this weekend is "my weekend"... and Father's Day happens to fall on "his weekend".
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Glad to hear things are good on your end to.