Need advice - warning: long post
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 09-21-2005 - 12:00pm |
I don't know what to do now. I'm more confused than ever.
I've posted one time before here, but it's been a few weeks. I don't know what to do, where to turn, who to talk to, but I know something's gotta give.
Just a little history, my husband and I have been together for almost 8 years, we have 2 kids ( 5 1/2 year old boy, 14 month old girl ). Everything was fine until about 2 months ago.
I work for a good company, where I recently got a promotion. Before, I was working nights/weekends every week, now I'm working M-F 8a-5p. I have light traveling required, but so far I've been here almost 3 months and have only had to make 2 4-day trips, and maybe only have 1 more (at the most) to go, then it will be sporratic.
On my first business trip about 6 weeks ago with a male coworker, my husband called me at the hotel at 2am (3am in my time zone, I was in a different time zone) DRUNK. Well, when they transferred him to the room, either he told them the wrong room or they screwed up the transfer and he was sent to another room, where a man answered the phone. Ever since then, I've been accused of having an affair with this man. Now, I'm not a hottie, but I'm 24 and easy on the eyes. The guy that he is accusing me of having an affair with is 48, balding/grey, very overweight, and totally not attractive at all (and not my type), and my husband knows this. But, yet, he insists I'm having an affair, and has told everyone he can get ahold of that I'm this vicious back-stabbing slut that has been sleeping around for such-and-such a time (sometimes he says the entire relationship, sometimes it's "I don't know how long").
Since then, he's gone through my briefcase, car, purse, company-issued cell phone and drawers in my nightstand to try to find any little bit of evidence or whatever to try to use against me. He found a dirty note that I was writing for him (my husband, that is), and said it was for my "lover". And since this has occurred, every time we have sex, he tells me I don't feel right, that I'm "loose" or "hollowed out", that he can't even get excited anymore because this guy's big you-know-what has me all "stretched out". He's grabbed me by the wrists and thrown me against the wall and on the bed, climbed on top of me screaming in my face these horrible names and accusations, and has treated me like crap.
Now, I confessed to an affair I had 2 years ago, with an ex-coworker. I had ONE affair, which I know causes a whole mess of trust issues and reasons to think I'd be untrustworthy. But, I confessed and begged for his forgiveness. I told him that at the time it was what I thought I wanted, but I made a mistake and it made me realize how much I value this family and the marriage. He said he forgives me and loves me, and wants the marriage to work.
But, it's so painful because now, he's following me around, and having his friends follow me. The reason why I know this is because he said that his "friends" have been saying that I look in my sideview mirrors a lot while I'm driving. I got very offended and upset, and I asked him what friend was following me around close enough to see how often I look in my sideview mirror. He also told me that he was sitting in the bank parking lot one morning at 7:30am, and saw the guy he's accusing me of having an affair. He said the guy went to the bank ATM, withdrew some money, and drove off. Then he said he saw me going towards the same direction, but he said I saw him and then veered off towards work. That is completely absurd, I never saw him that morning, I had no idea. Plus, he doesn't have to be at work until 8am. We have a 25 minute drive to town, and I have to take the kids to daycare by 7:15am in order to get my son on the daycare bus to kindergarten. I have to leave at 6:50am in order to get to the daycare in time to get my son on the bus. Well, he would've had to jump and get dressed/ready in a hurry and run in to town in order to be where he said when he said. My husband is NOT a morning person, he hates getting up any earlier than he absolutely HAS to! I feel like he's following me around.
Also, we were on a call with a friend of ours Friday night. He was on one house phone, I was on the other. I had a corded phone, he had a cordless. I put the corded phone down to walk into the living room to get my purse (we were in the bedroom). Well, I found out last night that when I walked out of the room, he whispered in the phone "she's still screwing up, she's still ****ing him, I don't care what you say she's still screwing him." He said that to one of my best friends, and of course she told me about it. At first, he tried to deny it. Then, he confessed to saying that. Then after I got off the phone with her last night, he turned back around and denied it again. He asks questions about my work more now than he used to, where did I go, what meetings did I have, what did I do, and sometimes he gets a little too questioning, I feel like it's more of an interrogation.
And the thing that bothers me the MOST about the entire situation, this is the icing on the cake. Last night, I worked out on my elliptical machine (did 2 miles). I was sweaty, so I climbed in the shower. I have been on call at work (technical position at a local fortune 500 company, very big responsibility), and haven't slept in a week, so I was really exhausted. Well, he comes on to me like a dog in heat, and when I turn him down, he starts saying "if I were you, I wouldn't want it either", and "all I want is to have sex with my wife, and you don't want me anymore". After the way he's treated me and talked to me over the past 6 weeks, I don't want to be anywhere near him, much less have sex with him. When I turn him down for sex, he turns it into this huge rejection act, he says things like "you don't want me anymore, you don't love me anymore, I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you, I'm sorry I can't make you happy" and stuff like that. Then, at 5:15am, 15 minutes before I HAVE to get up, he climbs on top of me and proceeds to have sex with me. No foreplay, NOTHING, just treats me like his little blow-up doll, climbs back off of me, and rolls over to go back to sleep. I felt SO used. I spent my childhood being molested and raped, and I felt nothing short of raped this morning.
It's too difficult to go through this, I can't take this anymore. Now he has gotten to where he says "if you don't love me and if you don't want this marriage, make a move", like he's daring me to get a divorce. I've consulted a lawyer, and he doesn't know it. A month ago, I mentioned a lawyer and he withdrew $9,500 out of our joint savings account. So, when I consulted a lawyer, I went ahead and closed out the account and got the rest, which was only $6,617. He said he knows I'm going to get the house, which is my biggest fear. I don't want the house to be taken away. I'm the primary mortgagor (however you spell it), he's just a cosign, but I know that means something. In order to get a divorce and get the house, he has to sign over the rights to the house, the kids, my life insurance policy (which I've been paying through my work, he should have absolutely NO rights that, but anyway), and I don't know if he's going to do that. I have the option of going through an SOB divorce, which is where we sue for the house, cars, alimony, child support, everything, and I'd probably win, but I don't want to do that. I just want enough child support to help pay for daycare, and he can have whatever he wants in the house, if I can have the house. I can make the house payment, he can't.
But, should I give up and get a divorce? At this point, I don't even want to look at counseling, because he's never going to change. And I can't live like this, and I feel like a divorce is the only way now. But, he just seems determined that it's going to work. I don't think he's as determined to make it work as he says. Oh, and to top everything off, he called the guy he is accusing me of having an affair with. He said, "Is this Mrs. so-and-so." and the guy said, "no, this is MR. so-and-so, who is this?" and he said, "Chuck" and hung up on him. Now, this was right at 5pm, and I had not left the office yet, and we were standing right by another coworker's cubicle talking about hardware installations. I confronted my husband about this last night, too, and he said that he was wrong for calling, he should've left it alone. Then, when he THOUGHT I was asleep, he was whispering things out loud to me that I was acting "too defensive" about him calling my coworker's wife, that something "isn't right" and just totally tearing me down mentally, but he thought I was asleep.
Like I said, it's more of a mind game with him now. It's all mental, and he's become mentally abusive by the way he's treating me. Is it worth the fight? We've never had a very very happy marriage, but it was on the better side for the last 18 months (minus the past 6 weeks). He's always been a bit mentally abusive by calling me names and never respecting me. Am I right for being so upset and frustrated? Would you divorce over this, or give it therapy and time? It's been 6 weeks of constant frustration and hurt. I don't even want to come out of the bedroom at home every evening. I am just so depressed.
Opinions and advice are welcome. Support is greatly needed and appreciated. I am filling out the financial affadavit that the lawyer gave me, I've been in denial about filling it out, hoping to give it another chance, but I'm all out of chances. Unless one of you tell me I'm absolutely bonkers, I've got no choice here anymore. I can't sacrifice my happiness to be with someone who treats me the way he does. PS, thanks for reading if you made it this far. I told you it was going to be long.
Thanks,
Josie

Hi Josie...
First off hugs to you. I know this cannot be easy.
I may get hung for this... but I am going to be blunt. My opinion is that you need to get out now. It is NOT GOOD for your children to see these things.... you might think they can't hear or feel what is happening, but they can. It does them no good to feel the tension and hear daddy talk to mommy like that.
I strongly feel that you should get out. Everything you described steers me to think that you need time to work on YOU. Leave him and take time for you, counceling, relax time... all of the things you have been missing.
Hugs to you and good luck. Please keep us updated.
Angelena
Dear josie - huge hugs!
first of all - please, don't ever apologize for long posts. we are all here for you in whatever way we can help.
i don't think that getting a divorce equals 'giving up'. sometimes, a divorce is the only way out of a bad situaiton. its not ALWAYS the right solution, but IMHO - in case of abuse, when the abuser will not get help, it is the only solution.
Hugs, Josie. Your husband's behaviour goes way beyond an overreaction to a past affair. It's emotional abuse, and you've also described physical and sexual abuse on his part. I hope you will visit ivillage's domestic abuse board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting
I think you're in a very bad situation and your husband has the potential to be dangerous. He's stalking you and possibly has even enlisted others to stalk you. You need to seriously consider whether you should stay in this situation. And if you decide it's time to leave him, you need to make a plan to do so that ensures your safety in case his behaviour becomes any worse. If you're reading this board at home, please make sure you clear your viewing history and cache (there are instructions on how to do so on the domestic abuse board) in case he's also checking up on your computer.
-sang
I appreciate your concern. No, I'm not home, I'm at work. Besides, one thing I don't have to worry about is him hunting me down on the computer, because he doesn't know how to operate one.
To the previous replies, I would love to say that he was a perfectly wonderful husband up to this point, but it hasn't always been a basket of roses. He's kept things from me about having his friends come over and get drunk and spend the night (this was 2 weeks after we moved into our new house, our son was only 3 years old, I did not agree with this and we had a very big fight over it), about who his sister has brought to the house (her female friends, he told them not to tell me she was over there because I'd 'overreact', and I found out about it), about who he has hung out with (said only 3 weeks ago that he almost had an affair 4 years ago, but backed out of it), and about people he calls (says he's calling his grandmother, but ends up calling his ex-crack addict friend, who I detest). He's called me names like dumb *itch, stupid son-of-a-*itch, lying son-of-a-*itch (obviously he does not know the meaning of the term), nasty *lut, etc.
This was not an everyday occurrence, it was only when we'd get into arguments. But, it was enough to hurt. Now, he has been getting to where, although he isn't aggressively or violently doing this, he has been backing me in corners, preventing me from walking out of the room, standing in front of me holding my wrists, all the while trying to be nice about why I am upset and why I hate him. I don't hate him, yet. I don't want to hate him, which is why I feel like I need out of this marriage now. I don't want it to get to that point. I suffered a very abusive childhood, and cannot take this abuse anymore. I spent 7 years of my childhood cowering inside, afraid to be me and be happy, and I find myself right back to where I started. When I met my husband, I started coming out of my shell a little, relaxing, learning to be happy. Then every single happy exciting moment got ripped out from under me. Our kids' births, our "wedding day" (got married at the courthouse, only his dad and grandmother came, he was afraid to get married), when we bought our house, my high school and college graduations, EVERYTHING was ruined by either his family, friends, or his attitude. And I've been made out to be a bad person, he tells his family how much I yell and how loud I am. Well, gee, when he's in my ear telling me I'm a bad mother because I have to work nights/weekends, or because he thinks I'm having an affair, of course I'm going to get upset and loud.
And our 5 1/2 year old son has suffered. He is going through a little bit of depression right now, and is starting to act out a little. Family has noticed. I just want to be happy so I can raise my kids to be happy.
Anyhow, I talked to my husband at lunch. I told him that what he did this morning was not sex, no matter what way he looked at it, I told him to stop, and he wouldn't. I told him about whispering things to my best friend and to me while he thought I was sleeping was very hurtful. I told him that I'm tired of the mental abuse and I can't continue going through this. I told him that if he doesn't believe me by now, he's never going to believe me, and it's not fair to put us both through this, and our kids through this, if he's not going to believe me. I told him that he's never going to change, he's not going to believe me and he's not going to drop it, and I can't live like this. He held me, told me he loved me, kissed me, said he didn't blame me and he understood, and left. And in between all of these comments he made, he asked me why I hated him, why I was doing this to him, and turning everything back around on me!
Anyhow, I really do appreciate the comments. It's good to know that I do have support. I haven't even told my mom and sister about this morning, I don't know if I can. That really hurt me mentally, more than he will ever begin to understand.
Thanks for reading.
Josie