Need advise from those who know
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| Mon, 01-01-2007 - 5:15pm |
i'm new to message boards, so forgive me if i don't do this exactly right. i need advise from those who are there or who have been where i am. i have to give a little info though, so please be patient.
my divorce will be final at the end of this month. my best friend is no help what-so-ever because she has never even been in a serious relationship. she is currently comparing her break-up with a guy she dated 2-months to my 3 1/2 yr marriage.
i dated my husband for a year before marrying him, and thought his personality was just "high strung". after a couple of months of marriage, i realized something wasn't right. it took a while, but i finally figured out he was hiding an addiction to prescription drugs. for over 3 years i did everything within my power to save him and our marriage. i literally cried every single day. we went to marriage counseling and drug counseling, but he obviously didn't love me enough to straighten up. in the end, i almost had a nervous breakdown. he was ruining me mentally and financially. i never knew where he was, when he would come home, who he was with, where the $ went, etc. once i finally made him leave, i had to take some time off work just to get my mind right again. that was 8 months ago. i don't know where he is, but i do know he is now living with someone else. i have not tried to find him, nor do i want to. he was a con-man...and a very good one.
my problem now is how to recover. it's been so long since there has been peace in my life that i don't even know where to begin. my best friend is a single partier. i've been there, done that years ago, and it got me no where. i quit doing that when i met my husband. she and i are getting further and further apart because she doesn't get it. first of all, i consider myself still married until the divorce is final which is evidentally a foreign concept to most people in my area. i've started going to church regularly and that has helped a lot. i have also started a new job. however, i really don't know where to go from here. i feel very lost and alone. everyone seems to just move right on to the next guy, but i'm not built like that. this has been so awful on me that i can't imagine getting involved in anything that might take away the little peace of mind i have found. and the saying is true...all the good guys are taken. what is left out there are those like my husband.
any advise on how to move on with my life and get past this? i am scared to death to even go out with anyone. i'm scared of getting back into that awful place i was mentally because of a relationship.

Hi Scorpio,
Hugs and all my empathy for what you're experiencing. We've all had a similiar sense of loss, fear, and "Gee, where do I go from here?"
For starters, don't worry about dating anyone right now. You're a long way from being ready to have another relationship. You have to heal from your divorce and allow yourself the time to discover again who you are and what you want from life. You're on your way with a new job and a church home. That's critical to finding your way again. (People who tell you to dive back into dating just aren't comfortable with your single status.)
I highly recommend a book called "Rebuilding: When your relationship ends." by Bruce Fisher. It reads like a roadmap to breaking up, healing, and rebuilding. You'll find it helpful.
I also encourage you to keep thinking one day at a time. Divorce isn't something you do one day and walk away from the next. It takes time. And, you'll do well to find new friends who can be supportive. See if your church has a divorce recovery group or program, and find ways to be involved there like ushering, singing, etc. You'll meet new people and enjoy getting reacquainted with yourself.
My divorce was nearly 10 years ago and how well I remember exactly how you feel now. I took my time, allowed my heart to heal, and got busy living my life. Today, I'm happily remarried to a godly man and I can't believe I was ever so sad. You, too, will have sunshine in your life again. Just take your time.
Keep us posted and visit here as often as you like.
Sincerely,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
thanks so much for the book recommendation and the kind words. my church doesn't have any type of divorce group thing...it's small...so is my community. there's nothing like that around here unfortunately. that is why i decided to seek help here.
i have another question concerning my best friend. i'm afraid my expectations of her are too high and i need clarification. as i told you, she is a partier. there is one particular place i know she goes occasionally that my husband has become a regular at. her partying friends are not very nice people. i don't not trust them at all. is it wrong of me to expect her to avoid that particular bar until i'm past this crisis? i don't think i could stand to hear stories about him. and if something happened and she didn't tell me, that would be even worse. any time i know she is going out, i get very anxious. there's plenty of places they could go besides there. she's not a bad person, she's bored...that why she goes out. but her friends are bad.
Scorpio, so sorry you are feeling all this pain. Unfortunately, you cannot expect your friend to live up to your expectations. You cannot control her. You cannot control your errant husband. You can only control your actions. Since your friend does not sound as if she is very supportative it sounds like you need to seek other company.
You are still in the stage of wanting to connect with him by finding out what he is doing. I've been there...am sure there are lots on this board who have been through the same thing. Severing ties is the smarter thing to do. Do not worry about what he is doing. He is no longer your concern. Please do not be offended by that statement because it is a terrible pain to come to grips with that particular realization (I know it was for me and still get on the roller coaster about it.). The less you know about him. The less you believe that he is somehow involved in your life the better off you truly are...and that includes the 'I Spy' reports from your friends. Please do not expect your friend to live up to your standards. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
>>>HUGS<<<
But this morning and yesterday morning Ijust walked through the room ......saw from the side he had his long emails open.......and just ignored it and went back to bed. I cannot stop the many long emails or the long phone converstations. I have been so much better these last days. one thing that has helped is that I tell my self he is already gone he has already abandoned me and I need to get on with my life. I am not saying that things will go great but every day I dont react to his games is one more day of sanity instead of insanity.
I use to cry every night and every morning. now the tears are fewer already.
I have lost all love and respect for him. I dont condone such blatant adultery and abuse towards me. When you have given someone 28 years and they say they never really loved you.....'well........anyway yes the sooner we can start ignoring what they are doing the closer we are to dealing with this pain in a sane way. I use to look at him with longing hoping he will show me some love and affectino. Now I look at him and see a different man.
A man I dont want anything to do with. A man who is having a relationship with a married woman and they neither one seem to care who they are hurting. They should have divorced first but all they care about is themselves and I dont even respect him anymore.
WE cant change things. Even if he did a complete turn around I would not want him now.
he has ripped my heart out but I have been reading some great stuff especially on this board. I also read about abandonment and that we will not abandon ourselves if we take control. We have ourselves. We need to love ourselves, to pamper ourselves, to put the inner child at peace. To dream again.
I am 57 now . I have to take complete control of my actions to ensure the rest of my life is as good as it can be.
I know its easier said then done. for a while there I was totally consumed with What He Was Doing.
Now I just say well So Be It! I have a life to live and I think I am already on my way to healing.
Hang in there kiddo. try to read postive things about taking care of YOU and realising this is just a phase in your life.
I think in my case I was always all those years trying to get close to him while he held me at arms length. I am tired and done. I should not have stayed so long in the first place now this has really ended it. I think I need to be glad this woman is taking him off my hands. perhaps instead of hating her I should thank her.
I am sure I always loved the man that I thought he could be for me if I just did the right thing or if he would just change. girls it doesnt happen.
I am hoping to take my time and who knows if I will ever getinto another relationship at my age. alot of people tell me I am very attractive but if I do get involved someday I want to take my time......I want to heal first. I do not want to take all this garbage into another relationship so is all up to me. as they say "If It's To Be, Its Up To Me!!"
Personally, I'm afraid that you can't dictate where your friend goes to party. But, that situations SUCKS! I would and wouldn't want to hear the stories down to what shoes he was wearing. It would drive me nuts.
I would, however, be honest with your friend. Tell her how much it makes you anxious, nervous, etc. She needs to make up her own mind with where they are going to go party. Like you said.. It's a small town, they really could bump into each other anywhere.
Hang in there!
S
Actually, it is the exact opposite of what you are thinking. I forced him out in April. I have no idea where he even lives and have not tried to find out. In fact, I have made it a point to let everyone know that I want nothing to do with him and do not want to know what is going on with him. When I cut ties with him, that was it. Once I'm done with someone, I am done. My whole problem is that I don't want my friend around him or anyone he has anything to do with. She didn't even know of him before we got together and they are not friends. She is going to the places he is a regular at that she used to not go to. It's her partying friends I do not trust. If she doesn't go around him, there is nothing to tell or not tell. See what I mean???
I simply want him out of my life and that includes the lives of those I love. I never want to hear his name from anyone again. But, if my friend chooses to be around him knowing how badly this has been, I guess I will have to cut ties with her. My married friends understand this. She is the only single friend I have and I guess that makes a difference.
I guess I'm going to have to be honest with her one day soon...we have never had any type of confrontation, and it's hard to do that. Especially since because she has never been really serious about anyone, she has no clue how this feels.
Thanks for your words. It helps to hear that it would bother others too...